#1
(i kind of improvised this little free-verse on my computer about 10 minutes ago, crits would be greatly appreciated.)

dollars and senses

let's close our eyes and play pretend/we'll clasp our hands and fly off these cliff-hanger endings that always leave us grasping for ground/gasping for breath/blinding our hearts and breaking our eyes/let's close our eyes and play pretend/we'll lose our voices and scream at the top of our lungs at hoarseness and riders/we'll be ashamed at how we can't express ourselves/and when our tounges find their way back into our own mouths, we won't know how to use them for what they're best at/although the taste of your life still lingers on my fingertips/i put the laughter back in manslaughter/it's been too long without sight for me to sniff out the cause of this ambiguity/don't worry darling, i'm still clasping your hand/we could squeeze them so hard we'd forget we were flying/our cliff-hanger endings have come to a screeching start/and neither of us can find the conductor
Last edited by Zamboni at Aug 21, 2006,
#2
I quite liked this piece.

'i put the laughter back in manslaughter' <- that's a great line, I think.

I also liked the idea of losing your tongue and having the inability to express yourself. I find that to be very true - it's rare that people can communicate properly. Very nice ideas in their, would you please crit mine?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=418403
#3
Thanks a lot man, I have a question though:

Do you think it would be better to have this section this way: "we'll be ashamed at how we can't express ourselves/and when our tounges find their way back into our own mouths, we won't know how to use them for what they're best at"

Or switched around: "and when our tounges find their way back into our own mouths, we won't know how to use them for what they're best at/we'll be ashamed at how we can't express ourselves"?
#4
Oh, I see. I think the second one goes better with the piece overall. Thanks for the crit too.

I'll say it again, nice piece.
#6
jesus christ man. this is probably the best thing on the front page. it's like reading purposeful chaos. this is kind of cliche and it doesn't really help you at all, but everything is great. you might want to consider losing the laughter/manslaughter line as it kind of doesn't fit in with anything around it. and, for some reason, that word sniff makes me very uncomforatble while reading it. it's probably just me, but it's detracting from the flow.

okay, i guess everything wasn't great, but everything besides those two things are great.
So turn off the lights cause it's night on the Sun....

if anything i say comes acrosss as pretentious, tell me what an asshole i am.
#7
Quote by loopdeloop
jesus christ man. this is probably the best thing on the front page. it's like reading purposeful chaos. this is kind of cliche and it doesn't really help you at all, but everything is great. you might want to consider losing the laughter/manslaughter line as it kind of doesn't fit in with anything around it. and, for some reason, that word sniff makes me very uncomforatble while reading it. it's probably just me, but it's detracting from the flow.

okay, i guess everything wasn't great, but everything besides those two things are great.

yeah, i was definitely going for the "revamped" cliche feel.

like the childish images of "lets close our eyes and play pretend", but then adding the images of screaming and cliffs and stuff.

what i mean by the line "although the taste of your life still lingers on my fingertips/i put the laughter back in manslaughter", is that we just came from the image of tounges not in your own mouth (which could be seen as inability to speak, or as a kissing-like image), and i switch to the image that the taste of what was so good a moment ago is now laughably forgettable. "forgettable" being the embodiment of "manslaughter" because you're essentially "killing" a memory.

does that make it a little better?
#8
I don't like how you write it with the forward slash's breaking each line so i did it all prettily for you mike (plus it helps me read it better)

let's close our eyes and play pretend/
we'll clasp our hands and fly off these cliff-hanger endings that always leave us grasping for ground/
gasping for breath/
blinding our hearts and breaking our eyes/
let's close our eyes and play pretend/
we'll lose our voices and scream at the top of our lungs at hoarseness and riders/
we'll be ashamed at how we can't express ourselves/
and when our tounges find their way back into our own mouths, we won't know how to use them for what they're best at/
although the taste of your life still lingers on my fingertips/
i put the laughter back in manslaughter/
it's been too long without sight for me to sniff out the cause of this ambiguity/
don't worry darling, i'm still clasping your hand/
we could squeeze them so hard we'd forget we were flying/
our cliff-hanger endings have come to a screeching start/
and neither of us can find the conductor


awesome. So like, it's cool. yeahh I dig it man. Kind of emo but I can imagine it making a neat song. Sorry I don't have more to say. Ttyl <3

ps. i LOVE your sig
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#10
yeah the 'i put laughter back in manslaughter' is a good idea but its pretty random. all good tho
good writing otherwise