#1
Ok, this is a follow on to Rambler's Diary. As usual, i'll leave you to work it all out, as well as the connections; i really value obscurity and my secrets
Also i may need to change this because i'm not 100% certain but i still quite like this.
Leave me a link and i'll get to yours provided it's a worthwhile crit!

The Authority, The Artist

Fucked around all her life; somehow she wished she?d never been born, although she realised the blessing?s tide would lap at her feet. She had her own ideas, she thought, about why she was here, on this obscene sphere of driftwood; eternally stranded on a galaxy of elusion. One pinch of her opinion from The Authority?s artistic implement brushed her independence aside with a brash nudge; auric, gleaming in eyesight.

Perched eagerly on her wooden seat, she bows her head in imitation and delusion of peace. Chants of loyalty exchanged but far from absorbed. Kill the infidel, kill the infidel. And the cotton wool around her head dripped with scarlet liquid of his paint while suffocating her very way of existence. The Authority's hand quivered for a moment, bridged between completion and demolition.

Maybe he?s just too critical, but he just can?t bare the sight of an impure painting.
Last edited by caz_guitar_dude at Aug 22, 2006,
#2
Blackdottage for the win! I only saw one word and that was fucking. I'm looking forward to it. If I don't get to it by, say, mid-afternoon, PM me.
#3
This hasn't got any real crits yet? I am so very shocked...well I shall try my best:



The Authority, The Artist

Fucked around all her life; somehow she wished she?d never been born, although she realised the blessing?s tide would lap at her feet. This is a great opening, and I really like the use of the tide here. She had her own ideas, she thought, about why she was here, on this obscene sphere of driftwood; eternally stranded on a galaxy of elusion. I like the feeling here: very dramatic; vivid. One pinch of her opinion from The Authority?s artistic implement brushed her independence aside with a brash nudge; auric, gleaming in eyesight. Congrats on a flawless opening. I can see nothing wrong at all thus far...

Perched eagerly on her wooden seat, she bows her head in imitation and delusion of peace. Chants of loyalty exchanged but far from absorbed, and the cotton wool around her head dripped with scarlet liquid of his paint while suffocating her very way of existence. These two lines are wonderful. The first line here is my least favourite of the piece, but that's a tough choice to make, and it's still absolutley wonderful. I especially like this final line here, it adds so much to the piece and is by far my favourite.

Maybe I?m just too critical, but I just love a perfect, pure painting. I want to say that this was a great ending to a great piece.



As you can probably tell, I will suggest not altering it in any way at all. It was flawless in my eyes, but maybe I am blind to some errors that haven't struck me. I'd be honoured if you'd crit mine, please: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=418403

I look forward to more from you (and your previous piece was wonderful too).
#5
Fucked around all her life; somehow she wished she?d never been born, although she realised the blessing?s tide would lap at her feet. She had her own ideas, she thought, about why she was here,


A Good strong opening.I didn't like ''the galaxy of delusion''

One pinch of her opinion from The Authority?s artistic implement brushed her independence aside with a brash nudge; auric, gleaming in eyesight.


Again this is good, I don't whether I get what you mean, because I think its too obvious, so there must be a deeper message i'm not sure. But from what i think you've said, has been represented well and creatively.

Perched eagerly on her wooden seat, she bows her head in imitation and delusion of peace. Chants of loyalty exchanged but far from absorbed, and the cotton wool around her head dripped with scarlet liquid of his paint while suffocating her very way of existence.


To be honest I didn't like this too much, it was to obscure for my liking lol. The ''Chants of Loyalty'' is the only bit that stands out for me, I can't really suggest anything for this whole verse as an alternitive as symbolism and metaphors aren't really a specialty of mine, so I doubt the suggestions would be worthwhile.

Maybe I?m just too critical, but I just love a perfect, pure painting.


This is the best IMO, not because its the end and I don't have to read or crit it, but because its a very stylish and almost sinister ending to the poem, I love it.

Overall, good, but slightly to obscure for me, someone who likes this style of writing, will fall in love with it, and the guy from Ontario above already has. Good, but not to my taste.

EDIT: Sorry if this has been repayed late, I wasn't aware you''d crit mine up until about ten minutes ago lol
.Brand New.Bright Eyes.This Will Destroy You.

THRRRRRRRREADKILLER!
#6

Fucked around all her life; somehow she wished she?d never been born, although she realised the blessing?s tide would lap at her feet. She had her own ideas, she thought, about why she was here, on this obscene sphere of driftwood; eternally stranded on a galaxy of elusion. One pinch of her opinion from The Authority?s artistic implement brushed her independence aside with a brash nudge; auric, gleaming in eyesight.

The way you start the piece on the word fuck is pretty intense, but I'm not sure I like it. It immediately sets a really high and furious pace which I don't think the rest of the stanza really keeps up with. I think the swearing is kind of out of place if you ask me, which I know you didn't but I'm telling you anyhow
I don't like the way this bit sounds: She had her own ideas, she thought, about why she was here - IMO the "she thought" is really unnecessary. Rest is cool though, good stanza.

Perched eagerly on her wooden seat, she bows her head in imitation and delusion of peace. Chants of loyalty exchanged but far from absorbed, and the cotton wool around her head dripped with scarlet liquid of his paint while suffocating her very way of existence.

"in imitation and delusion of peace" -- that's awesome.
This is again pretty cool but it's too short IMO.I'd suggest mebbe expanding on it or whatever.

Maybe I?m just too critical, but I just love a perfect, pure painting.

I really don't like this. I think it kind of ruins it how you suddenly introduce antoher character in right at the end. This ending is trying to be all arty and pretentious and it's not working IMO. It sounds lame IMO and overcasts the whole piece, which is a shame cos it was pretty good.
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#7
^ Mm, ok, i trust your opinion. But trust me when i say that "She had her own ideas, she thought, about why she was here" has a specific purpose that can't be changed. Thanks Alice.

^^ Cheers Captain Jackass who isn't really a Captain

Edit: Ok, i've made a few changes. Take note
Last edited by caz_guitar_dude at Aug 22, 2006,
#8
WOW. Okie, where to start on this one franz...
This was deep.
Meaningfull.
Well-written.
Fantasticalness.

HAH!! I loved this, i always do love your stuff. Its better than i ever could be so i find it very hard to crit. The last lines blew me away, and this is the best work ive seen on here in ages.
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#10
Extremely Lazy Crit Warning...

It's good, I liked it except the "Galaxy" part, I just didn't like how that was put.

That's it. I've been lazy on here for the last few days, so, sorry. It's one of those times.

Good stuff. If you're ever bored, my latest is in my sig :P
#11
Fucked around all her life; somehow she wished she?d never been born, although she realised the blessing?s tide would lap at her feet. nice opening, especially this last bit She had her own ideas, she thought, about why she was here, on this obscene sphere of driftwood; eternally stranded on a galaxy of elusion I think these are some very good metaphors, Calum. So far, so good.. One pinch of her opinion from The Authority?s artistic implement brushed her independence aside with a brash nudge; auric, gleaming in eyesight. Good ending to the stanza, not as strong as the rest of the stnza, but no one's perfect.

Perched eagerly on her wooden seat, she bows her head in imitation and delusion of peace. A very good sentence, if I must say so. Chants of loyalty exchanged but far from absorbed. Kill the infidel, kill the infidel. Didn't care much for those. They seem out of place and a bit harsh when reading the piece as a whole. And the cotton wool around her head dripped with scarlet liquid of his paint while suffocating her very way of existence. Again, good (this crit is shit) The Authority's hand quivered for a moment, bridged between completion and demolition.

Maybe he?s just too critical, but he just can?t bare the sight of an impure painting. Good ending.

Damn it, I make you wait and wait for my input and what happens? I give a shit crit. But alas, I couldn't find much wrong with it.
#13
Quote by caz_guitar_dude
^ Oh well, it shows i've done well. Thanks... god i still don't know your name


Damn it

It begins with M and rhymes with cycle.
#16
Aha, gotcha
Hang on... i don't know JD's either... ah well, i like calling him JD

Anyhoo, enough of the spam on my thread!
#17
Thanks for the crit.
I liked it. I'm not a fan of the style, to be honest, but given the confines I thought you managed to show off your skills very well. I just find that every word has an attached adjective and it stunts reading. It's all very well being poetic and all, but there is over doing it. Again, I'm appreciative of stylistic constraints and traits. You write well, and I'm going to keep going around in circles.
"You can never quarantine the past."
#18
You've changed it??? Well than I shall offer my opinions a second time, though this time only upon the new stuff, because I'm too lazy to full crit it again :p ...and I would repeat myself.

The addition of 'Kill the infidel. Kill the infidel.' does nothing more than add much much more to the piece. The added line at the end of the first bit is another great line, though it seems almost unnessecary...keep it. xD

And, I like the new ending even greater. I've rewritten my piece, and when I get around to posting it up as a whole (or as soon as the original goes back a couple more pages) I'd enjoy it if you would be kind enough to crit it. Your suggestions were quite helpful, and I hope it flows much more now. Thanks for your very constructive crit.