#1
here's another little improvised piece i made on the computer, crit for crit would be sweet.

just a minute, i'm killing somebody

stay here and mend throats with me
our thumbs like buttons, their necks like eyelets
we'll weave the prettiest of patterns into their insensate bodies
oh, won't it be like old times!
back in the days when we were made of sandstone and sufferance
and when nocturnal breezes laid waste to our inhibitions
but we never had such delicate fabrics back then
the kinds that would tear at the slightest hint of ecstasy
caprice emotions, wandering eyes... wandering... but always fixed at a center point
we were the center point
like our needles and threads that never let us down
in one side and out the other, but always holding fast
their wounds may watch us from a distance, but they trace their past back to the knot
back to the center point
we were the center point
#3
Quote by Zamboni
here's another little improvised piece i made on the computer, crit for crit would be sweet.

just a minute, i'm killing somebody

stay here and mend throats with me
our thumbs like buttons, their necks like eyelets
we'll weave the prettiest of patterns into their insensate bodies
oh, won't it be like old times!

Good metaphors/analogies. I like it, it draws you into the poem well.

back in the days when we were made of sandstone and sufferance
and when nocturnal breezes laid waste to our inhibitions
but we never had such delicate fabrics back then
the kinds that would tear at the slightest hint of ecstasy
caprice emotions, wandering eyes... wandering... but always fixed at a center point
we were the center point

Again, good analogies/metaphors. Every line here has good feeling put into it. While reading this, I think every line in this part is equal in quality...which is excellent.

like our needles and threads that never let us down
in one side and out the other, but always holding fast
their wounds may watch us from a distance, but they trace their past back to the knot
back to the center point
we were the center point

Man, this last part is the perfect way to wrap it all up. I like it very much. I can't find anything to criticize in it.



Overall, an excellent piece. I really like the comparisons, not to mention the flow of the piece as a whole. Perfect.

Could you please crit one from my sig? You're a great writer, so I want your crit on one of my pieces.
#4
Wow, that sounds extremely deep. I love how it just flows. Is it a poem? It sounds like it would be a good peice such as Rise Against's "The Approaching Curve". I dont 100% understand it, but im never that good a picking out metaphors. I love the ending too, "but they trace their past back to the knot
back to the center point we were the center point"

Great job Zamboni, and your name reminds me of my favourite sport. Cri for crit as well my friend?

[HTML]https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=418835[/HTML]

I cant seem to get them to work, so if it doesnt, copy and paste it please? lol.
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#5
Quote by Zamboni
here's another little improvised piece i made on the computer, crit for crit would be sweet.

just a minute, i'm killing somebody

stay here and mend throats with me
our thumbs like buttons, their necks like eyelets
we'll weave the prettiest of patterns into their insensate bodies
oh, won't it be like old times!
back in the days when we were made of sandstone and sufferance
and when nocturnal breezes laid waste to our inhibitions
but we never had such delicate fabrics back then
the kinds that would tear at the slightest hint of ecstasy
caprice emotions, wandering eyes... wandering... but always fixed at a center point
we were the center point
like our needles and threads that never let us down
in one side and out the other, but always holding fast
their wounds may watch us from a distance, but they trace their past back to the knot
back to the center point
we were the center point


My only correction is you seem to have gotten off track. AT the start until line 5 your talking about how your going to do it again, and better. Then you go into how you used to do it, badly. After that theres no transition back to the present, and you stay in past tense, never finishing what you started at the start of the piece. Anyways, that is all, good writing.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=418941

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