#1
Ok, this is just a rough draft for now. I think it's fairly good, but I'unno what you think. And only constructive critizism please, no "omg, teh suxz0rz" or "h0ly 3m0!" or anything. Thank you.


*Untitled*

I toss and turn at night
Thinking of how this world all seems
Some of the things that materialize
Make me afraid to chase my dreams

The decisions we?re faces to make
Even the ones that aren?t that hard
The things that don?t make the slightest impact
Like the things that tear us apart

The times we?ve made excuses for things
We didn?t want to do
Like the time I didn?t take a risk
In fear of hurting you

The times that we?ve all spent with each other
And the times we?ve spent away
Like the times the were all filled with laughter
And the times that we?d all say..


You never know until you try
So go on and make a wish
Whoever said you cant learn to fly
Was afraid to make that risk

If there?s something waiting in front of you
Don?t just sit there till its gone
Just spread those wings and fly away
Don?t think of what else can go wrong


All the stories of broken hearts
And the one that got away
All the tales of falling tears when
They didn?t say what they needed to say

The one that think the worst of something
And the ones who think the best
And for the ones who don?t know what to think
We?ll put you to the test


You never know until you try
So go on and make a wish
Whoever said you cant learn to fly
Was afraid to make that risk

If there?s something waiting in front of you
Don?t just sit there till its gone
Just spread those wings and fly away
Don?t think of what else can go wrong

*More stuff goes here, guitar/piano sorta thing*


*End*

Lemmie know what you think.

Edit: I forgot, crit for crit
President of the Guitarists Born In 1991 Club. PM blues rocker or I to join

Quote by RadioHead22
I love you greendayguitar
In a non- gay, awkward-man-hug way
Last edited by greendayguitar at Aug 21, 2006,
#2
you've got a start, but this is in need of revision..

I toss and turn at night
Thinking of how this world all seems
Some of the things that materialize
Make me afraid to chase my dreams

Don't really like this part.. it comes off too bare. You may be going for that, but it needs to be revised. Perhaps something along the lines of.. "I toss and turn at night/ thinking of how this world seems/ that some things that materialize/ scare me away from my dreams"

The decisions we?re faces to make
Even the ones that aren?t that hard
The things that don?t make the slightest impact
Like the things that tear us apart

This one has a better line of thought, but still needs revision I think. Like, "the decisions we're faced to make/ even if they aren't that hard/ things that don't have an impact/ are the things that tear us apart"

The times we?ve made excuses for things
We didn?t want to do
Like the time I didn?t take a risk
In fear of hurting you

First and third line need a little revising.. perhaps like "the times we've made our excuses" and getting rid of the "like the time" I think it'd sound better without it... it detracts from the piece.

The times that we?ve all spent with each other
And the times we?ve spent away
Like the times the were all filled with laughter
And the times that we?d all say..

This is actually fine I think.. only thing I'd say is get rid of the "like the times" part in the third line and use different phrasing in place of it.

You never know until you try
So go on and make a wish
Whoever said you cant learn to fly
Was afraid to make that risk

This is a good stanza... I like it. Nothing should change at all.

If there?s something waiting in front of you
Don?t just sit there till its gone
Just spread those wings and fly away
Don?t think of what else can go wrong

Pretty good.. once again, maybe edit a couple filler words out and you're fine. I'd fiddle with the last line.. I think it'd be better without the "else".

All the stories of broken hearts
And the one that got away
All the tales of falling tears when
They didn?t say what they needed to say

Not into this one really... it's kinda cliche I think.. I've seen the first two times pretty much word for word in several songs.

The one that think the worst of something
And the ones who think the best
And for the ones who don?t know what to think
We?ll put you to the test

Potential in this one.. I'd suggest editing the first and third lines to something like.. "the ones that think the worst" and "and the ones who don't know what to think".. sounds much better to me..

Overall, I think it's a average/sub-average piece right now, but it definitely has the potential to be a good song. You wrote a ton of lines, which is very commendable. What you have to do often though is edit it down, and with some editing (perhaps getting rid of that stanza I didn't feel that was kinda cliche..) and revising it'll come out good I think. Take what I said into consideration.. sometimes you have to distance yourself a little from the piece to be able to fix it completely. It's got potential, just help it achieve it. Anyways, good effort.
Last edited by a-user-name at Aug 21, 2006,
#3
i like it and i think its good for a beginning
but idk i guess i kind of get confused in it maybe if you make the lines longer cuz i have that problem too
hmmm i dont know something about this just kind of gets me lost
but otherwise very good i like the idea of it and the flow is pretty good too
#4
Misdetermined, how can you like the idea of it, if you don't follow it? lol, sorry, i had to.


a-user-name. Thanks for the long crit, I'll definately try some things out. I havent edited this yet, some friends I showed it too were like "omgz, its awesome!!", but i wanted some deeper opinions. Thanks.
President of the Guitarists Born In 1991 Club. PM blues rocker or I to join

Quote by RadioHead22
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In a non- gay, awkward-man-hug way
#5
lol your right umm i suppose i get the idea and stuff
i just get kind of confused on how your trying to present it in the song or something like that i dont know i gotta confusing mind jeeze hehe anyways cant wait for your edit
#6
Haha, gotcha!

Yea, whenever I get around to editing it, I shall post it here.
President of the Guitarists Born In 1991 Club. PM blues rocker or I to join

Quote by RadioHead22
I love you greendayguitar
In a non- gay, awkward-man-hug way
#7
There are a lot of solid ideas in those verses man, but lines like these, for example:

"You never know until you try
So go on and make a wish
Whoever said you cant learn to fly
Was afraid to make that risk

If there?s something waiting in front of you
Don?t just sit there till its gone
Just spread those wings and fly away
Don?t think of what else can go wrong"

while the message is very good, the wording could be changed. the rhyming scheme is well-used, but if you could expand on those ideas separately, instead of kind of clumping them all together, you'd have a great piece.

#8
Thanks Zamboni, but I find, if I expand on them and dont have them as closde together, I feel like I'm rambling on about one thing. But I'll definately encorperate it into my editing. Thanks.
President of the Guitarists Born In 1991 Club. PM blues rocker or I to join

Quote by RadioHead22
I love you greendayguitar
In a non- gay, awkward-man-hug way
#9
Quote by greendayguitar
but I find, if I expand on them and dont have them as closde together, I feel like I'm rambling on about one thing

Ahh yes, this is definitely something you have to watch out for. I fall into that trap quite often myself. I find I need to be really inspired by something to make a really specific piece decent and non-rambling.
#10
I hear you, Zamboni.
President of the Guitarists Born In 1991 Club. PM blues rocker or I to join

Quote by RadioHead22
I love you greendayguitar
In a non- gay, awkward-man-hug way