#1
Receiving signals from the moonlight gestures,
I swindled and swam through starlit stys,
in search of beauty in the mind or the touch.
And i ran there to ponder what roads lie there yonder,
where chaliced, yet aged, dear lie.

And the Moon spit and spat shouting in chains,
"Who are you to enslave such a man?"
There I looked and searched, sitting in wonder,
what qualifies me for such a name?
Dismayed I turned and replied in hope,

"Only in time when I am with her."
...Only in time when she is with me...
Last edited by TrigFunction at Aug 22, 2006,
#4
Quote by TrigFunction

Receiving signals from the moonlight gestures,
I swindled and swam through starlit stys,

awesome wording, love it.

in search of beauty in the mind or the touch.
And i ran there to ponder what roads lie there yonder,
where chaliced, yet aged, dear lie.

i was about to say "yonder" sounded off, but then i realized the rhyme lol...

And the Moon spit and spat shouting in chains,
"Who are you to enslave such a man?"
I looked and searched, sitting in wonder,
what qualifies me for such a name?
Displayed I turned and replied in hope,

honestly, i don't understand the name part, but the spitting and shouting moon was neat image

"Only in time when I am with her."
...Only in time when she is with me...

aww



Nice piece fellow Mike.
#5
Argh, I hate it whenever my computer freezes when I click "send reply" after writing a crit.


Receiving signals from the moonlight gestures,
I swindled and swam through starlit stys,
in search of beauty in the mind or the touch.
And i ran there to ponder what roads lie there yonder,
where chaliced, yet aged, dear lie.
Alright, some ace alliteration up here in line two. However, I did feel like yonder was wrong at first too, you might want to do something with that. Actually, I had a hard time figuring out the last two lines. They're somewhat confusing. Great opening stanza nonetheless.

And the Moon spit and spat shouting in chains,
"Who are you to enslave such a man?"
I looked and searched, sitting in wonder,
what qualifies me for such a name?
Dismayed I turned and replied in hope,
Wow, that stanza was just great. I love how it just ties up perfectly with the previous one. The use of "wonder" especially helps. As for the lines 2 and 4, they are just ace, very clever play on words, and awesome use of repetition.

"Only in time when I am with her."
...Only in time when she is with me...
And so the man also know how to finish off greatly.

Alright, sorry if that was somewhat unconstructive, but I really enjoyed this read. You're a very talented writer, but you already know that. If you feel generous, that would be great getting a short comment from you, the link's in my sig.

Keep writing.
-Mat
#7
alright, I'll give you a full crit even though you owe me like 20...

Receiving signals from the moonlight gestures,
I swindled and swam through starlit stys,
theres something off here, not sure what, but it has something to do with the tense difference between recieving and swindled, it sounds fine I guess but if you look further into the individual meaning you'll see what I mean.

in search of beauty in the mind or the touch.
And i ran there to ponder what roads lie there yonder,
where chaliced, yet aged, dear lie.
bah, theres nothing here, all that I get is word after word after word of passive emotion, no content. You are essentially me a couple months ago, loving what you write and hell it even sounds great and has some sort of meaning thats new and seems pretty, everything that good writing should be. However its missing something and that something is you.

And the Moon spit and spat shouting in chains,
"Who are you to enslave such a man?"
I looked and searched, sitting in wonder,
what qualifies me for such a name?
Dismayed I turned and replied in hope,
ah yes, the good old am I worthy for existence piece, again, you remind me of myself around the time I won WOTM. technically sound and good execution of topic. But there still is no real part of you in it and thats whats stopping me from getting anything out of it. Thats why I said that it was cute, not because of the last two lines, but because of the innocence involved in not leaving a part of you in the piece and really just putting words on a page...

"Only in time when I am with her."
...Only in time when she is with me...
yep... I didnt get an ounce of sleep last night as I'm trying to get myself back into 'school schedule' so this may make little sense, sorry.
#8
I like it alot...
BUMP!

The title's cool and I think I preferred the first stanza over the rest. I'll come back with something useful to say....
ρ
#9
Just though id comment, Synth, your interpretation of this place is WAY off, it has nothing to do with "am i worth for existece. I can see why you might think that from that stanza, but not the rest, maybe you should just read again.
#10
Receiving signals from the moonlight gestures,
I swindled and swam through starlit stys,
damn good alliteration. The moon has become a mediocre symbol, except when it is personified, as it is here.
in search of beauty in the mind or the touch.
And i ran there to ponder what roads lie there yonder,
where chaliced, yet aged, dear lie.
I'm really not sure what to say about this. You managed flow without iambics or meter which is very hard and cool. The words all seemed well placed.

And the Moon spit and spat shouting in chains,
"Who are you to enslave such a man?"
There I looked and searched, sitting in wonder,
what qualifies me for such a name?
Dismayed I turned and replied in hope,
Dialogue is always interesting, though often hard to manage. Good job.

"Only in time when I am with her."
...Only in time when she is with me...


All in all, good sound piece. I felt there might have been something missing though, something tying up the different stanzas, a repeated word or reworded allusion, etc. to knit a tighter piece.

It's a good piece of work though.
#13
A couple non-linear thoughts from a linear reading:

1) The first couple lines have too many 's' sounds. Albeit, nice alliteration and consonance, but it obliterates credibility that you know what you're doing as a serious poet. Even in a nonsensical piece, over-alliterative verse makes the lines look more like you're writing a literary puzzle than a poem.

2) "beauty in the mind or the touch" - the definite articles slow down this line excessively.

3) "ponder... yonder" seemed forced. It may not be the case, but the internal rhyme isn't working for me... something about it almost being expected. Furthermore, with "spit and spat" this is overkill for the voice effect.

4) "what qualifies me for such a name?
Dismayed I turned and replied in hope,"
Too disjointed - the language doesn't bridge thoughts together, instead highlighting each section separately. Perhaps, looking at syntax would be the best spot to start.

5) The diction seemed lagging behind the imagery. You've got some interesting pictures here, but they just don't seem fleshed out with the descriptors that they deserve.

6) I like the difference in your voice here, but it really needs to be tightened up. If it sounds silly, take a second look at it...