something accessible! what! what!

Yeah, this was freestyled in the comment box. Tell me what you think.

crit4crit, you know the deal. Gimme something to work with and you'll get something better back.

My Body As A Scale

And here we are, down the drain,
and the only thing left is the pouring rain.
It's outside this home, this house, this cartledge.
The air, her hair, our stare is an apartment.
And I've been paying this debt just to stay wet,
I've been soaking in this love for far too long,
For it to be written into this karma electric song.

I've been using my body as a makeshift scale,
And I've been balancing the idea of me
With the harp strung facet of my fake memories.
There's a tremor underneath us and I can't stand still,
And this video camera is rolling but there is no reel,
I'm letting the cold ground consume the movie that is my life,
So I can write a sequel to the film that never was right.

Monday, monday, monday, these are the cubes without cracks,
We're just an existential comedy, we're always connected but constantly
Apart like the day is long,
A part in a movie,
A part in a movie.

We're just a part in my movie.
Audience members two and three.
I didn't like it much. It didn't seem to have much thought put into it ("But it's OTS!" blah blah blah ) I mean, it was alrite, but it didn't have enough substance to back up a statement like "We're just an existential comedy".
Sounds like a pop song...what the hell were you aiming for anyway because I hate pop music!
Epiphone Les Paul Standard Plus Top w/ Seymour Duncans
Epiphone Les Paul Standard Plain Top w/ Dimarzios
Peavey Windsor Halfstack
MXR Distortion III
Dunlop Jazz 3 picks (Red)
DR Tite-fit 10's
Monster Cables
In a random act of kindness, I will bump this and give my half assed opinion on what I thought of this. First crit in like six months, you feel priviledged dammit, or there'll be a skull bashing.

I actually liked it. It was simple from what I recall of your shit, (Your previous work that is, not describing the quality of the writing ), but I liked the... I guess it was just honesty. It was bare, but it gets a nice meaningful message across. none of this 'fifty ways to interrupt what the fuck I just said!" stuff. So yeah, I liked it. Of all the links to click first on my first trip into S+L in recent times, I am amazed to say it was your thread. :|

Not much else to say though, no corrections or anything.
Quote by madbasslover
Until_it_sleeps for the motherfucking win!!!