#1
Greetings. This one's mainly for the males out there. Leave a link, if you please.
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My grandfather?s grandfather used to speak
Of his closest childhood companion:
An old man
Who sat in the shade of the trees;
And who, after earning his trust,
Would take him for walks
In the forest of the male psyche.

My grandfather?s grandfather was a great man,
My father?s father used to say;
He was aware of exactly
What a man could be;
And he?d tell of how he owed it all
To the elderly friend he met
In the shadow of the forest.

That man, once kind, is now vile,
And suspected of being a paedophile.
Last edited by CJW at Aug 24, 2006,
#2
uhmmm pedophile.... unless paedophile is a word i've negver heard. anyways you have this very interesting piece. I like it but it's.... weird to say the least. But it gives perspective i guess which is good. I dunno i liked this piece and idon't ahve much to say about it really. however in the end of the second stanza... did you mean forest as in the trees he sat under or forest in as the male psyche as you had previously described. I like how that worked out whether or not it was on purpose the dual meaning there. i'm sure it was on purpose though coming from you.

and what is a masles
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?
#3
You always write about stuff worth writing about.

I think you should change the ending slightly. I'd remove the "assumed" because then it make it almost more of a "it goes without saying" type of thing. It would imply the "assumption" in a far more effective way than stating it would. It'd make for a less obvious kind of satire. Also it'd mean you could cut those last 3 lines down into 2, which I think would make it read better.

Suspicion and the necessity for it makes me sad
Good piece. Ro
ρ
#5
Im inclined to agree with everyone here, this is very difficult to crit, and it is, to be fair to you then, this means it should be flawless. I dont know, I like it dont get me wrong, it just seems too trivial, too tongue in cheek for me to connect with it. It is original however and does show a versatility and varience to your work.

sorry that was pff-y.

peACE
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#6
Thank you all for your suggestions. It was meant to be males at the top, further, it being the main meaning behind the piece; and yes, you're right about there bwing multiple meanings to it, all represent ed by the same thing, more or less.

Thanks again to all of you.
#8
I'm going with all the above.

I like it again, and you have shown some deeper meaning to your usual simplistic writings, which is a nice touch.

So, yeh, sorry, nothing much to crit here, there never is much on your pieces. Good job.

Jamie