#1
any crit or idea what i should call it would be great
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Blood splatter on the wall
its your name first that i call
cold nightmare sweat on my face
my hearts beat cant keep pace

the dream this time seemed so real
i held you close to me
and looked into your lifeless eyes of teal

shuddering gasp of breath
as i woke to find you gone
i found you that night
laying face down in the pond

the dream this time seemed so real
i held you close to me
and looked into your lifeless eyes of teal

the dream this time seemed so real
i held you close to me
and looked into your lifeless eyes of teal

walked into the bathroom my mouth turned dry
looked at the scene and begin to cry
the water in the tub had gone red
and i knew at once that your dead

it wasn't a dream this time it was real
i held you close to me
and closed your lifeless eyes of teal
#2
too violently cliche, but others might disagree.


Dunno, not terrible, but doesn't have my vote.

Jason A.
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#3
Quote by deminos
Blood splatter on the wall
it's your name first that i call
cold nightmare sweat on my face
my heart's beat can't keep pace

It's an intriguing opening to say the least. I don't think the red clolour font is necessary, because you won't sing it like that, but for now I'll say no more on the subject. The third line is good, I liked that a bit, although because of that line, the line after is doen't have enough syllables. You need another three or four to keep the flow.

the dream this time seemed so real
i held you close to me
and looked into your lifeless eyes of teal

The only thing I'll say for these stanzas is the final line. It screams at me that it is a forced rhyme, it's pretty ugly (an oxymoron if ever I saw one). Although I would suggest using Eyes of Teal as a title, you'll need to work a bit on these stanzas.

A shuddering gasp of breath
as i woke to find you gone
i found you that night
laying face down in the pond

That A at the beginning is just there to make it more complete in both rhythm and meaning. The third line doesn't have enough syllables, again three or four are needed.

the dream this time seemed so real
i held you close to me
and looked into your lifeless eyes of teal

the dream this time seemed so real
i held you close to me
and looked into your lifeless eyes of teal

walked into the bathroom, my mouth became dry
looked at the scene and began to cry
the water in the tub had turned red
and i knew at once that you were dead

Some of your diction was a bit iffy so I took it upon myself to make it a little less iffy, but these are just suggestions, so you don't have to go along with them, although it is recommended. The final line didn't read well. Your choice of words for the whole line, and in truth, the whole stanza, was suspect. I'd suggest having a rerun of this stanza and see if you can change the wording.

it wasn't a dream; this time it was real
i held you close to me
and closed your lifeless eyes of teal


Not bad, it certainly wasn't the worst I've critted; I'll say middle ground for now. Some of your grammar was a bit off as was rhythm in more than one place, so some of the lines just need that extra syllable or three to set the song down the right road.

If you want, could you look at mine? You don't have to of course, and I won't hunt you down if you don't