#1
I dont think this is my best piece...but meh...

If I close my eyes
I can pretend it meant something more
But the constant battles keep me awake
And your words linger beneath my skin
You are my living nightmare
My secret kept safe
Now you're just shadows in the dark
A forgotten memory
One i keep lost
One you keep close
And now you dont even care to speak
Even though I try to make things right
Green eyes turn red
And my coffin of roses
Is now lined with bulletholes
And a shattered soul
As the morning air breathes life.
You rise with every sound of gunshots
but I fall with every broken heart
And watch as the sun awakes
Behind a sea of crimson
And behind the darkness of my life
Blah.
#2
If I close my eyes
I can pretend it meant something more great start
But the constant battles keep me awake
And your words linger beneath my skin
You are my living nightmare nice job here too
My secret kept safe this line confuses me
Now you're just shadows in the dark shadows, so its plural, ur talking to more than one?
A forgotten memory
One i keep lost
One you keep close love this
And now you dont even care to speak
Even though I try to make things right this too
Green eyes turn red and thats good, like crying right? i like this line a lot
And my coffin of roses
Is now lined with bulletholes nice, i see the coffin
And a shattered soul
As the morning air breathes life.
You rise with every sound of gunshots
but I fall with every broken heart good but confusing again
And watch as the sun awakes
Behind a sea of crimson
And behind the darkness of my life great job at the ending

man i really liked this actually, the parts that confused me were on porpously confusing im guesing, awsome song

crit back please? in sig...
#3
I agree with you're introduction, this isn't anything near the quality i've seen of you, you know so, so I shant go into too much detail. Theres alot of lines that read really badly into the next, and i think this is an area you have to address in order to further your writing, no-one at this age should be finding a style. You need to explore, challenge yourself. I fear you're too comfortable in this current style. And that is why this piece is what it is, comfortable, you could write a million like this.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#4
^^ ye if i do try and vary my style a lot

if you read some of my other pieces you will see the difference

but lately iv been writing in this style

im sure i ll change to something else soon enough

thanks though
Blah.