#1
this is my second actual song, needs some work so be as honest as you as can


So this is what it feels like when the protective coatings come off
And the only thing we?re left with is what we we?re warned of

Raw edges
And corners that cut like glass
This is what we?re longing for
This is what we waited for

But we needed this tension
We needed something to make us feel alive again
This as drug on to long
And we become numb to this
And the only thing our bodies know is friction

We?ve lost our self?s in the groves of routine
We may have wished for this but didn?t know what it would bring
Maybe years from now I will regret this
But for now I just don?t care
Last edited by frd_marshll at Aug 23, 2006,
#2
What style of music were planning to use these lyrics with? Heavy metal, rock, or something else?
#4
it seems kinda cliche...
and its in purple font...
i dunno about the purple,
but besides being semi- cliche, which can be hard to overcome
they're good lyrics, and it seems like u really expressed yourself
i would like to hear the end result
#8
Sorry fred, didn't like it all that much. Without looking for specific reasons, it just did not reach me at all, or appeared to me as something special/interesting.

First 2 stanzas are good, I like them. Third stanza is the cliché part of the song. That rhyme in the last stanza is overused and seems really forced. Also, I've seen that very same ending tons of time.

It's not BAD, it's just not interesting or surprising. I guess it's cute.
#9
this is my second actual song, needs some work so be as honest as you as can


So this is what it feels like when the protective coatings come off
And the only thing we?re left with is what we we?re warned of

Raw edges
And corners that cut like glass
This is what we?re longing for
This is what we waited for

Punctuation/grammar, you should add it to this piece, you can giude the reader far better. This didn't really appeal to me much, the similes are uninventive and the vagueness so early on does little to inspire the reader to continue. You need to set a scene, create characters in order to get us to feel whatever it was you felt at the time. Simple rhetorics are little indication to the progression of the piece.

But we needed this tension
We needed something to make us feel alive again
This as drug on to long
And we become numb to this
And the only thing our bodies know is friction

3rd line makes no sense, dragged did you mean? Its the basic construction of this piece that also makes it unmemorable, the double "needed" reflects bad diction, find a synonym there. It should be we've in line 4, as its present not past now. Also cut the "and" to begin the last line, just use a comma to end the last, and you dont need it. Hence why grammar helps.

We?ve lost our self?s in the groves of routine
We may have wished for this but didn?t know what it would bring
Maybe years from now I will regret this
But for now I just don?t care

Oh man self's? No! Ourselves. I guess you mean grooves too. My advice to you is you need to proof-read, and present your pieces better. Mess with the structure, and consentrate on the appearance. I nearly couldn't be assed to crit this, because of your apparent laziness, they all matter as much as the writing does.



Overall I thought this was ok, you need to think when you use similes if you've heard them before, if so, change it, think more about a new simile to describe what you are saying. And you need to build things more, build characters, build the mis-en-scene more. Otherwise to me, it looks like a list of feelings, with no situation and no purpose, and then ultimately it shant last long in the memory.

peACE
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
Last edited by The Hurt Within at Aug 24, 2006,
#11
I liked the first two stanzas, but after that, nothing really seemd to fit in, and just left me a little bit confused. I really liked the first two stanzas, but after that, you lost me. Maybe I'm just autistic, who knows.

Oh, and Blood Brothers next Saturday. Should be awesome
#12
oh yes the blood brothers will be amazing it i will the first time seeing them in 3 years its been way to long

thanks for the crit by the way
#13
A few spelling errors, but I got through it, no problem. I liked this piece a lot. This was my favorite part.

Raw edges
And corners that cut like glass
This is what we?re longing for
This is what we waited for

Very powerful stanza to start out with. It caught my attention straight off the bat, and I couldn't stop reading after that. This piece is very well written, and I look forward to reading more of your work around the site. Keep it up!
REVENGE
#17
I basically agree with the_hurt_within, follow his ideas and you'll end up with an awesome piece.
I liked the ending but it was just missing something, maybe it was the lack of build up to it, but I'm not sure.
The only real advise I can give you is just to work on it a bit, experiment with the structure and maybe put a bridge or something in the middle to add interest.
#18
Quote by frd_marshll
this is my second actual song, needs some work so be as honest as you as can


So this is what it feels like when the protective coatings come off
And the only thing we?re left with is what we we?re warned of

Very nice, sort an intro. Top notch free-verse.


Raw edges
And corners that cut like glass
This is what we?re longing for
This is what we waited for

I like this stanza. I'm a fan of free-verse, and this is one of the more well put toghether verses. The thast 2 lines are great, but the first could you work [adding on]

But we needed this tension
We needed something to make us feel alive again
This has drug on to long
And we become numb to this
And the only thing our bodies know is friction

Again, good job. I like the semi-rhyme scheme with "tension" and "friction"

We?ve lost our self?s in the groves of routine
We may have wished for this but didn?t know what it would bring
Maybe years from now I will regret this
But for now I just don?t care

NEEDS MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF WORK!



Again, last one needs work.
...When you decide to wake up..
#19
thanks guys

i think the reason for the ending being so bad is i wanted to go to sleep so i finished quick