#1
Part I of my collection of prose pieces. Part II has already been posted (out of logical order, I realize this...) as "If This Is The End, Then Where Are The Credits?" Enjoy, and I still owe some people some crits...


?The Forbidden Fruit Has Never Tasted So Sweet.?

Let the sparks that dance from fingertips to skin ignite this powder keg
Of passion and lust. And we shall consume each other, while I begin to
Pen a suicide note excuse for the haploid pieces of me left behind. Our
Parabolic curves caused by such bliss and arched backs, frame a scene
Of silhouettes that moan in rhythmic sense. For after the winds of our
Breath and the flames have died down, that which remains is two
Vulnerable beings lying naked; locked eye to eye in perfect reflection
Of one another?s image. Such shamelessness belongs to pressed lips shared
Between lovers, and the poetry intertwined in the deepest of embraces.
And in the whisperings of our desires, there deeply lies a shared secret?
The stuttered speech beneath subtle tone,
Gives rise to madness, and rattles bone.
The most poignant quips are the quivering best;
Which give rise and give fall to our heaving chests.
Enamored by the pleasure and captivated by the pain, we share a graceful
Struggle against no enemy. And in this mirrored solitude, where mathematics
Defies itself, our bodies wave as one synchronous harmony; a sine of
Our devotion, a trig function of our trust. We?ve created a symphony;
A masterpiece never to be undone. And never a structured note short,
Nor a reverberation misplaced, the pieces of an unclothed puzzle
Find their belonging within each other. The strangest of phenomenon
Occurs at the height of our senses? ecstasy as we combust and collapse.
Thus the crescendo does slowly fall upon the last written thrust in the
Fundamental beauty of our final private chapter.
The poetry written between lovers and foes,
Gives rise to madness, and rattles bone,
Gives rise to madness and rattles bone?
#2


?The Forbidden Fruit Has Never Tasted So Sweet.?

I suppose I'll start with the title, and say that I like the title and think it's very original and provokes thought. Good title.

Let the sparks that dance from fingertips to skin ignite this powder keg
Of passion and lust. This sounds a tad cliche, but I do like the first bit of this. The 'passion and lust' seems a bit boring to me...And we shall consume each other, while I begin to
Pen a suicide note excuse for the haploid pieces of me left behind. I like this a lot more than the previous line. It is a darmatic improvement. Our
Parabolic curves caused by such bliss and arched backs, frame a scene
Of silhouettes that moan in rhythmic sense. Now I had to search up the meaning of 'parabolic' but I don't mind searching things at all. I think this line fits in well with the rest of the piece but it almost sounds cliche, but it passes. For after the winds of our
Breath and the flames have died down, that which remains is two
Vulnerable beings lying naked; locked eye to eye in perfect reflection
Of one another?s image. I like how this line continued directly from what the previous line had defined. I find this line to be a tad more original though. Such shamelessness belongs to pressed lips shared
Between lovers, and the poetry intertwined in the deepest of embraces. Another strong line, but it too sounds almost cliche.
And in the whisperings of our desires, there deeply lies a shared secret?
The stuttered speech beneath subtle tone,
Gives rise to madness, and rattles bone. I like this very very much.
The most poignant quips are the quivering best;
Which give rise and give fall to our heaving chests. The first bit is better in my opinion, but it all fits nicely
Enamored by the pleasure and captivated by the pain, we share a graceful
Struggle against no enemy. Favourite line. And in this mirrored solitude, where mathematics
Defies itself, our bodies wave as one synchronous harmony; a sine of
Our devotion, a trig function of our trust. This is another original line that almost echoes what the previous lines have said. We?ve created a symphony;
A masterpiece never to be undone. And never a structured note short,
Nor a reverberation misplaced, the pieces of an unclothed puzzle
Find their belonging within each other. I think these past two lines should be joined together somehow. I'd use a - but that's just 'cause I like those to create my choppier style xD The strangest of phenomenon
Occurs at the height of our senses? ecstasy as we combust and collapse. Truly another great line.
Thus the crescendo does slowly fall upon the last written thrust in the
Fundamental beauty of our final private chapter. *starts clapping*
The poetry written between lovers and foes,
Gives rise to madness, and rattles bone,
Gives rise to madness and rattles bone?


*Continues clapping*

The title really caught me, and so did a few lines, but there was a massive disappointment because I was expecting something much different. Then I decided to crit it in full, and I must say it was very good, even though some parts seemed overdone and it was almost repetitive (though you used different words, which really really helped).
There's not too much I can about the piece besides this though...it was good overall and I think it just needs a tune up.
#3
First of all, thank you ever much for your time and critique of this long piece, I appreciate it. As I was writing this I was afraid that this may be percieved as being cliche and stock. I tried, as best as I could, to make it as original as this theme can be. I agree, it needs some work, perhaps I will come back to it at a later time and rethink some parts of it. I also agree that some aspects and themes within the piece itself are overdone and repeated... So thank you very much for your comments, and if you have something for me to crit, please let me know.
#5
hey man, this was long so ill just comment and wont full crit, sorry but i think i wouldnt say too much, cause i really like the whole thing. It was a great piece of writing. One thing about the ending last two lines i didnt get, just confused me. Mind explaining? but i really liked this, sorry thats all i can say

my latest is in sig, please.