#1
Hail me! I hang from a star!
Set your sets on me with your telescopes from afar
I perch and murmur to myself
Sodomizing frail mental health
I see you.
All you overachieving bastards
Reaching for my nest
Hope for the best you ****s
Your lungs now sucking on black empty space
I wish you 'd seen the looks on your faces
As you shrunk back into the earth
Chuckle, chuckle with mirth
I trickle from my eyes
It's funny how you say what you don't mean when you're bad at goodbyes.
#2
very good, its poetic, and angry. what type of music is this for?
Quote by Doolittle
Do it for Hedwig!
#3
Quote by s0nofabe4ch
Hail me! I hang from a star! Nice opening. Made very powerful with the exclaimation marks, I'm guessing thats what you were aiming for
Set your sets on me with your telescopes from afar This line doesnt flow very well, it seems to long or something.
I perch and murmur to myself
Sodomizing frail mental health
I see you.
All you overachieving bastards
Reaching for my nest
Hope for the best you ****s These 6 lines are great, nothing to complain about here.
Your lungs now sucking on black empty space
I wish you 'd seen the looks on your faces It sounds like you lost what you were trying to say in these 2 lines, IMO. They just sounded forced and out of place.
As you shrunk back into the earth
Chuckle, chuckle with mirth
I trickle from my eyes
It's funny how you say what you don't mean when you're bad at goodbyes. The ending isn't as powerful as it could have been. It's like the "chuckle" line is building up for something big that just wasn't delivered


Despite my little complaints, I really enjoyed this piece. I wouldn't change it too much, maybe just the ending so it leaves more of an impression.
Great work though.
Mine is called "alone and reading Bukowski" if you wanna take a look
#4
I see you're continuing with this new, mad style you've created. At least, that's how it comes across to me.

Overall quite clever, and certainly more interesting than it might first appear.
#5
Very interesting and I'd have to disagree with Neely, I quite lilked the ending.


So, yes, I don't think I can really give you much here as this seems kinda original and a style of your own, and I thin konly you know what you were going forhere.

Intriguing stuff.

Jamie
#6
Neely, I quickly looked at yours.
twitch it's not meant for music,
mucho love to everyone else.
#7
Quote by s0nofabe4ch
Hail me! I hang from a star!
Set your sets on me with your telescopes from afar
I perch and murmur to myself
Sodomizing frail mental health
I see you.
All you overachieving bastards
Reaching for my nest
Hope for the best you ****s

Up until this point it was refreshingly honest, and quite well written, other than the cursingbeing covered, theres not alot to say under a bad tongue, I love the opening line, and the majority after it. so far so good.

Your lungs now sucking on black empty space
I wish you 'd seen the looks on your faces
As you shrunk back into the earth
Chuckle, chuckle with mirth
I trickle from my eyes
It's funny how you say what you don't mean when you're bad at goodbyes.

This part for me was too sporadic, the 1st line is poorly worded, it should be "suck" or "now are sucking" eitherway you gotta fix that. Then the chuckle and trickle lines, dont flow well into each other. And then the final line is more than a decent closing, it puts pretty much everything into a certain perspective, although overall the content was quite haphazard. Still it was different.



peACE
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#8
I officially loved it, I liked the emotion that it put forth, and I really liked the beginning - it grabbed my attention right away.

Your lungs now sucking on black empty space
I wish you 'd seen the looks on your faces
As you shrunk back into the earth
Chuckle, chuckle with mirth

that was the best part. Nicely done. If you've got a minute, mine's in my sig.
#9
omfgz the hurt within just said something about my writing. this is a happy day!

thanks amy, I'll do yours a bit later
#10
^ and expect me comin' back for more, I gotta practice what I preech. And its Steve
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#12
Quote by s0nofabe4ch

Hail me! I hang from a star!
Set your sets on me with your telescopes from afar
I perch and murmur to myself
Sodomizing frail mental health

Change sodomizing, it's an ugly word that doesn't pack enough punch. Use rape. Also, don't ever start a line with a verb. It's trite and a really bad habit. I'd write it like this:

I perch and murmur to myself;
My own raping mental health.

That's just an example of how you need to work better transitions from line to line.


I see you.
All you overachieving bastards
Reaching for my nest
Hope for the best you ****s

Uhhhh, alittle aggresive? Remove the emotionless cussing, it has no meaning here expect to take up space. It's awful really.

Your lungs now sucking on black empty space
I wish you 'd seen the looks on your faces
As you shrunk back into the earth
Chuckle, chuckle with mirth
I trickle from my eyes

First two lines aren't bad, just a little bleh. Then the following lines, contain to many words with the suffix "ckle." It's like, what I kept using words that ended in "tion." It would be repition, and repition, and be quite the aggravation of that repition that would ruin the perfection of what some would see as repition. That actually was a good example, I guess everything I write is golden.

It's funny how you say what you don't mean when you're bad at goodbyes.

Wasn't this line in every TBS album? It's really cliche. Chuchuchuchuchuchuchange it!




So anyway, you get my approval for having the talent but not using it. Write more, don't revise, and just be happy with what people tell you. At least they're reading right?

Anyway, get to mine if you could. Maybe a full crit, that'd be nice haven't had one of those in years. It's the Jimmy Jack Jericho one.

---Matt Is Art***
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#13
Yeah, I left you crummy 'crit' on that one. I don't like the word "rape" quite as much, it sounds kind of...I dunno, crude? Anways, thanks a lot for the help.
#14
Son, DON'T CHANGE THIS. sorry to disagree with anyone who didn't like the swearing, but swearing has it's place. You can say it's unneccessary but it works, the word sodomizing was used brilliantly i believe and i think this is amazing.

It's completely different and the rhymes you used flowed so brilliantly i hardly noticed them till i read it a second time (especially the myself/health rhyme, just flowed brilliantly, i just got back from school so maybe i'm a little slow but i thought it was amazing)

This is really good, thank you for posting it, it was a joy to read
Need Singing Advice?; Read the first page then ask questions.

Quote by punkman_123
Damn Auals, you're messed up. :P


Quote by ZanasCross
This just reminded me of the time that my brother in law texted his mom on the night after his wedding. All it said was "Consummated."