#1
Well I have written like this for a while, but I still love using this raw songwriting style. So, this is a song, not a poem or anything, so I'd love it to be judged as a song.

Critique for critique, I know I may have been lazy recently but I always crit back to those that are worthy.

EDIT: It'd obvisouly be a slower song, not a pacy one as many of my others were. More spoken lyrics than those.

Enjoy :P


Slip a cigarette into
Your back jean pocket
Slyly look away when
You think you've been spotted
It's falling down and going under

Quickly take a swig from
That bottle on the side
Then give me a quick hug
To take it off my mind
It's falling down and going under
And girl if we're the storm
Then you're the thunder

But still there's hope
Well there's always hope
Hope that soon we'll be
Back to our best
And we'll never give up
Because I believe that
Pretty soon girl we'll be
Back to our best

A secret meeting with
Those friends from another place
I can't help but think that
You've gone and grown another face
Limited now to just a peck on the cheek
It's falling down and going under
And life's a little bleak

But still there's hope
Well there's always hope
Hope that soon we'll be
Back to our best
And we'll never give up
Because I believe that
Pretty soon girl we'll be
Back to our best

Girl you mesmerise
Just to hypnotise
Just to satisfy
Use a web of lies
Girl you mesmerise
Just to hypnotise
Just to satisfy
Use a web of lies

I asked you to speak with
Those helpers from the agency
Wanted you to tell them of
All that adultery
But I guess it's no use to
Ask you to work with me
We're falling down
We're going under

And I don't think there's anyway
We can be like we used to be
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Aug 24, 2006,
#2
I'm not in my critting frame of mind so for now I'll leave it short and hopefully come back with something more substantial.

Stanza 1: I didn't really like the enjambment, moreseo the way it looked rather than anything else. At least you've kept the theme of the cigarette throughout the stanza. Many people try and cram as many metaphors and similes and imagery as they can which is a big no-no.

Stanza 2: Those last two lines were a bit, I don't know, strange. Not that they were incomprehensible because they weren't, it's just that it doesn't sound right compared to the rest of the stanza. Perhaps it's a bit too much of a metaphor, I don't know, it's hard to explain.

Stanza 3: Lines three and four were too short and it disrupted the flow. There were too many hopes at the beginning as well.

Stanza 4: Good stanza actually.

Stanza 6: Use a web of lies - one syllable short.

Stanza 7: Good ending, as was the couplet afterwards.

Come to think of it, the crit was acceptable by my standards, so I'm not going to come back
#4
Quote by Jammydude44
Well I have written like this for a while, but I still love using this raw songwriting style. So, this is a song, not a poem or anything, so I'd love it to be judged as a song.

Critique for critique, I know I may have been lazy recently but I always crit back to those that are worthy.

EDIT: It'd obvisouly be a slower song, not a pacy one as many of my others were. More spoken lyrics than those.

Enjoy :P


Slip a cigarette into
Your back jean pocket
Slyly look away when
You think you've been spotted
It's falling down and going under
I like it right off the bat. I was gonna say "Try going down and going under..." but than I realized why you didnt haha two going's.

Quickly take a swig from
That bottle on the side
Then give me a quick hug
To take it off my mind
It's falling down and going under
And girl if we're the storm
Then you're the thunder
The rhythm is pretty good in this song and the rhyming isn't dull at all.

But still there's hope
Well there's always hope
Hope that soon we'll be
Back to our best
And we'll never give up
Because I believe that
Pretty soon girl we'll be
Back to our best
The first three lines grind against eachother a bit with the repition of hope I think, but it would really smooth its self out while being sung.

A secret meeting with
Those friends from another place
I can't help but think that
You've gone and grown another face
Limited now to just a peck on the cheek
It's falling down and going under
And life's a little bleak
Only thing I can say is I don't really like the term peck on the cheek, even though it does imply some coldness. Kiss is a little more intimate but I guess you're not going for that.

But still there's hope
Well there's always hope
Hope that soon we'll be
Back to our best
And we'll never give up
Because I believe that
Pretty soon girl we'll be
Back to our best

Girl you mesmerise
Just to hypnotise
Just to satisfy
Use a web of lies
Girl you mesmerise
Just to hypnotise
Just to satisfy
Use a web of lies
Bridge I take it?

I asked you to speak with
Those helpers from the agency
Wanted you to tell them of
All that adultery
But I guess it's no use to
Ask you to work with me
We're falling down
We're going under
The last two lines seem like they are building up to a musical climax which is really good.

And I don't think there's anyway
We can be like we used to be
Maybe try including the back to our best in the last line. "And I don't think there's anyway, We can get back to our best." Something like that, it kind of would just tie it all up nicely.


Good song, I really liked this one.
Please help me by reviewing my lyrics
#5
pretty good. it almost seems to long of a song if it is a slower pace. but i think i like it.good job. peace mace

Crit for crit
#6
Hey man, i also like the raw emotions, as you call it, havent read anything from you like this so couldnt say. But i like this a lot. Im sorry that i dont have much to say. But i dont. The mesmorise to hipnotize made me think completely of the two System of a Down songs by them names. I would suggest a change in that. I think it was maybe too raw dude but i think its because im not used to this from you. But i did like it man.

Maybe i dont deserve it for this but i asked for a crit on Another Restless Summer Night and you musta noticed its locked, still trying to figure out with the mods why, but could you PM me what you think? id appreciate it a lot.
#8
I liked these lyrics a lot. They reminded me of how Davey Havok would write his lyrics, but of course, with some modifications. These lyrics aren't as poetic, I feel but you've got your own style and I admire that greatly. Good work, and I look forward to reading more of it!

By the way, I loved these lines:

"It's falling down and going under
And girl if we're the storm
Then you're the thunder"

Beautifully written.
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#9
Pretty good, I like the Stream of Consciousness-method, it flows pretty good, but better when you start rhyming.
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#10
First of all, thanks for the crit. I could really feel all of the raw emotion coming out of this piece. To tell you the truth, I really enjoyed it. I thought it was a solid piece. Keep up the good work.
#11
This was OK. I don't really go in for this kind of stuff, as I'm sure you're aware, but I'm positive that this would make decent lyrics for a kind of pop rock song, oui?
#12
"poprocker" beat me too it, but i really like these lines:
And girl if we're the storm
Then you're the thunder

Kind of shows a connection between the two people. I love it. First stanza i can't crit, its pretty damm good. Nothing to add there except good work mate. Not sure about the repitition of the word "hope" in the third stanza, but it adds a really nice element to the song, where one line kind of plays off the next line, flowing nicely. Am I right in presuming this is the chorus type arangement?

The first half of the second last stanza confuses me.
I asked you to speak with
Those helpers from the agency
Wanted you to tell them of
All that adultery
But I guess it's no use to
Ask you to work with me
We're falling down
We're going under

I liked it, but i'm not really sure what it is meant to show. The second half of that stanza is cool though, and then of course the repeated "we're falling down, we're going under". The repitition of that part suggests that it should lead back in to the chorus.
The mesmerise part has already been critiqued enough. The very last part, the outro, is good. Leaves the song on a note that it has a conclusion. That things won't be the same.
A secret meeting with
Those friends from another place
I can't help but think that
You've gone and grown another face
Limited now to just a peck on the cheek
It's falling down and going under
And life's a little bleak

I don't mind the "peck on the cheek" line. It shows that the kiss is no longer passionate.

Nice work. It kind of shows that it is designed to be a slower song, as this would probably suit it best.
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#13
I love it mayte =] i always love it. VERY differant from past works of lyrical genius, but still good.
Im afraid im tired and cant properly critique your work, and im sorry =[
But i thought id better leave you summat, cause it...kind of..essential..
Yeah. Nice one. =]

franz x
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Use it.
#14
I like it a lot, although the one thing i did pick up on thats been mentioned before is the last two lines of second stanza do sound a bit clumsy.
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#15
Quote by MadTapper

By the way, I loved these lines:

"It's falling down and going under
And girl if we're the storm
Then you're the thunder"

Beautifully written.


Yup. Those leapt out at me straight away. Wonderful lines.