#1
Right I deleted my last one, basically because it was a piece of crap, so I thought I'd up myself and write something sinister again. So here we go. C4C.

Moving my face toward the mirror
I look at my face and recoil in horror
The maggots writhe from out my nostrils
And drip daintily onto my cerise tongue
And I lap them up with great delight
And I move away from the awful sight

I run fast for the door
And begin my descent down the rustic staircase
Half way down, I see the fog
As dark as night and as fierce as hell
And the embryonic form is twisting in the dark
And all things going, I don?t feel so well
So I kneel down and kiss the floor
And hold my hands for Jehovah to catch
As I fall from sanity and dive into the abyss of ineptitude
Where I will wait for you to come

All is well down in hell
I?m having a ball in my master?s hall
Down in hell all is well
I know no bounds with my pack of hellhounds
#2
Quote by Dæmönika
Right I deleted my last one, basically because it was a piece of crap, so I thought I'd up myself and write something sinister again. So here we go. C4C.

A quickie crit here, sorry.

Moving my face toward the mirror
I look at my face and recoil in horror
The maggots writhe from out my nostrils
And drip daintily onto my cerise tongue
And I lap them up with great delight
And I move away from the awful sight

I didn't like the "and I"'s here. In fact I thin kyou oever used I/my, it got a bit tedious.

I run fast for the door
And begin my descent down the rustic staircase
Half way down, I see the fog
As dark as night and as fierce as hell
And the embryonic form is twisting in the dark
And all things going, I don?t feel so well
So I kneel down and kiss the floor
And hold my hands for Jehovah to catch
As I fall from sanity and dive into the abyss of ineptitude
Where I will wait for you to come

Again, I think there is too much of the I/my business here. I think it drags the piece down a bit. I disliked the 6th line here, seemd out of place.

All is well down in hell
I?m having a ball in my master?s hall
Down in hell all is well
I know no bounds with my pack of hellhounds

Meh. I don't think you pulled that end bit off, seemed unnecsary to me.


Whoa, that was ultra-negative. But I was only pointing out the things I dislike. It was another solid piece of writing from you, although I don't think it was as good as some of your others.

Jamie
#3
Moving my face toward the mirror
I look at my face and recoil in horror
The maggots writhe from out my nostrils
And drip daintily onto my cerise tongue
And I lap them up with great delight
And I move away from the awful sight
You've certainly caught my attention with this stanza. I think this is the most captivating yet ugly introduction to a piece of poetry I've ever read. It is like a contradiction between beautiful writing and dark, twisted subject matter. Excuse me for saying so but **** YES!

I run fast for the door
And begin my descent down the rustic staircase
Half way down, I see the fog
As dark as night and as fierce as hell
And the embryonic form is twisting in the dark
And all things going, I don?t feel so well
So I kneel down and kiss the floor
And hold my hands for Jehovah to catch
As I fall from sanity and dive into the abyss of ineptitude
Where I will wait for you to come
Again, the diction here is impeccable. The imagery that is created from the line, "And the embryonic form is twisting in the dark..." and onward is so well put it is almost tangible. No clear problems with this stanza, in my opinion.

All is well down in hell
I?m having a ball in my master?s hall
Down in hell all is well
I know no bounds with my pack of hellhounds
I have to say it, but I'll put it gently...this stanza is the Achilles' heel of the entire piece. Don't get me wrong, I love the repetition of "All is well down in hell," but the last phrase of the last line is where it falls slightly short. The only proposal I would have for you is to rephrase/rethink the very last part. Aside from that, I am quite glad I stumbled upon this.


*Overall, I enjoyed this greatly...thats all I really have to say. Peace.