#1
Just a little something I wrote awhile back.

Sitting at the counter watching
Friday night's bar fight
Now I'm turning around to
order once more...
"Bartender, another beer
over here..."

She caught me at the back of
the neck, fingers clenched and
lips curved in. She smiled and
said, "Sweety, don'tcha think
it's been a while? Haven't seen
you in weeks, let me buy you
a drink"

I said "sure, it couldn't hurt" so
she ordered them up, took
a seat beside me then she kissed
my cheek. A light whisper in my
ear, "Darling, can I take you home
with me?"

I couldn't believe what she'd said
to me - I raised my eyebrow at her,
told her "better keep dreaming"
Who says it's gonna mean a thing?
Wild sex, no strings attached
How could it mean a thing?

Chorus: 2x
She took a cheap shot, and said dance with me
She took my hand, and had a drink for old times
Toasted to the times that we'd never forget
And said "You know I'll always love you but
we're better off friends"

I'm a sucker for her lines
She makes them seem so real
So we headed out the door
and got behind the wheel
50 k's and counting over the
limit - She's dying til the minute
we get to her place

Face down, on the counter,
against the wall - she moans and
says "Oooo... don't stop now...
Uh... not yet, don't... Oh god"

Chorus

Oooo... She said we're better off friends
Oooo... Friends with benefits
Oooo... And I just can't handle it
Oooo... Ooooo...

Chorus

END
REVENGE
Last edited by MadTapper at Aug 24, 2006,
#2
Nice theme.

I think you it would read, and look, a hell of alot better f you got some better structure in your verses, rather than writing until you hit the end of your width.

Also, I think you could do with another verse plus second chorus in there.

Last thing- the ending. It's too, drastic. Better of dead? Get rid of that, the piece doesn't need it. You would do better wiht getting shot of the ending, and maybe ending on an upbeat couplet or something, if you must have an ending.

Jamie.
#3
thanks for the crit. I'll definitely take it into consideration and try to improve the structure of it. I took a look at it after I posted it and thought "Ummm... Yeah, okay. That's kind of random... I need some "Umph" in that". So thanks a bunch, man!
REVENGE
#4
That was pretty good.. I Liked the chourse ..the first one..and uhh..for the second verse maybe shorten it a tiny bit...but thats all its all an all good to me
#5
I really like how the song tells a story, whereas a lot of songs just have certain lines and rhymes just because it fits and sounds good. These lyrics really take the reader (or listener) on a journey. I could actually see all of that happening in my head. The only thing I can suggest, like someone else already said, is possibly better structures to the verses. But I don't know how you want the song to sound, so if it works for you, just keep it as-is.
Do I have to fall asleep
with roses in my hand?
#6
There's only one chorus in the song... lol, Between the "Face down" bit and the "Oooo" bit, I was only repeating it. Thanks though
REVENGE
#7
thanks, hitz! Much appreciated and I'll take what you said into consideration. I actually already switched it up once but if you've got suggestions, feel free to shoot!
REVENGE