#1
This song was actually inspired by three things: "My Sweet Song" by Toby Lightman, "Damn That Radio" by The Wreckers, and some boy who broke my heart. So, let's hear it for bitter love songs! It still needs some work, but I really like what I have so far. Feedback appreciated.

That Damn Song

I want to forget you
I want to move on
but I always think back
everytime I hear that damn song
I can see you smiling
I can feel your hand in mine

Everybody says to me
girl, you're too good for this
but then I hear that damn song
and I start to reminisce
I feel like I'm flying
and everything is just fine

Oh, what I would give to take back
everything I confessed to you that night
while that damn song was playing
Oh, what I would give to take back
those emotions I let myself feel
and everything I was saying
while that damn song was playing

Everytime I see you
I want to look away
then that damn song comes on
and I feel so betrayed
I can see you crying
I can feel you hurting inside

[working on a verse to go in here]

Oh, what I would give to take back
everything I confessed to you that night
while that damn song was playing
Oh, what I would give to take back
those emotions I let myself feel
and everything I was saying
while that damn song was playing
Do I have to fall asleep
with roses in my hand?
Last edited by hitzphillygirl at Aug 24, 2006,
#2
Very well written. I liked it a lot.

"Oh, what I would give to take back
everything I confessed to you that night
while that damn song was playing
Oh, what I would give to take back
those emotions I let myself feel
and everything I was saying
while that damn song was playing"

I'm assuming that is the song's chorus? It's a good one. A little longer than the usual but that's what makes it yours. Keep it up! I hope to read more of your stuff.
Check out "A Cheap Shot and A Drink For Old Times". I need more feedback.
REVENGE
#3
Thanks for the feedback! My choruses are usually a bit long. I always feel like they're too short. I'll check out your stuff.
Do I have to fall asleep
with roses in my hand?
#4
This could so be country and that would be funny, but otherwise, it's a really good start. A couple revision to make the emotion REALLY some through, and then finish up that verse you were looking to go in there. And you should have yourself a winner. Yep. It's gonna be real nice.
Run, Run Farmer. Screaming! Bloody Murder
The daughters of question have been murdered!
Murdered! Murdered!
#5
Well, it was inspired by a country song, so that would make sense. *lol* I wrote another verse last night, but I'm not sure how much I like it, so I'm going to work on it some more. Thanks for your feedback!
Do I have to fall asleep
with roses in my hand?
#6
Hey, I thought this was pretty good also. My only thoughts are that in the first stanza, the "damn song" line seems to kind of be too long for the rhythm you established, though maybe you drag it out a bit in the singing to make it fit with the last two lines. I think you need to do that if you don't already just so that the last lines don't seem like too sudden an ending, which they do just written there.

Secondly, I realize that it's the name of the song and you need it as a main theme/idea of the piece but, I think that the "damn song" would be more powerful if it was used a little more sparingly. I like it in the chorus, but I think it loses some of it's power and emotion if it's in every stanza...just a thought.

If you have a chance, I'd love some feedback on my song, it's called Rich & Alone. I really appreciate it.

Good job on the song, I liked it.
Cheers,
- PunkFish.
#7
Its fine, tweak it how you see fit.
Rememer this, in the words of the great Edward VanHalen:"If it sounds good, it is good"


BigPaws
Guitarist of
Lake Effect LLC. 2006 copright