#1
Well after receiving a decent response in general, I decided to take some points into consideration and redo this piece to some extent. I like it better now, after adding and subtracting bits and pieces. Many thanks to caz_guitar_dude for all the suggestions on fixing this piece up. Here we go again, I guess:

Dreary weather today, ain't it?

Shattered glass from open window panes scattered throughout
The overcast room. The wet-continuing to weep in through the walls-
Constantly stains the carpet with coffee and nicotine.
Muddied footprints tracking through to your bed; the dog house.

I awoke early from the unfinished haunting at dawn only to discover
The weather had taken a turn for the worse; the sun was up.
I crawled back into the uterus in which I gestate,
In which I would sleep until the next rainfall to celebrate.

Tough to awaken from such deep slumber after nine long months,
Creeping through the cavity in which I've acclimatized to the mucus.
Lacking the strength to uncurl and lift myself out of bed
I crawl aimlessly through the dimly lit corridor to the other side.

I've pricked my thumb; I have a sliver- I'll take no more notice as my cranial bleeding
Continues so softly; so numb. Speechless; dyslexia ensues as infected wounds bleeding still,
From the beating that took place in the daylight- the unfinished haunting.
The leeches; the peasents; the little piggies infected with carpel tunnel. I am a dog. I am your dog.


I hope that you guys find this to be at least a bit better than the previous piece. I think my first bit seems a tad cliche, but I couldn't really get anything too much better to fit there at this time, so if you have any suggestions please tell me.

Thanks in advance, and I'll crit your stuff if you leave a link.
#3
Werewolves, eh?

Not a fan of overwrought prose myself, but the occasional verbosity is off-set by the last lines. Really dig the last two lines.

I did like this piece a lot, but I'm sort of off right now and so my response may be a tad off as well. If so, my sincere apologies.
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#4
I owe you a giant-sized critique of this, and I will try to get to it after classes. I will say, on first glancing, this looks to be well written and quite heavy. Which exactly how I like prose and poetry to be, but not women. Peace for now, until my full critique arrives.
#5
It looks good... it took me a while to understand it, but that is something I like in my music. I think it would make a good progressive rock song.
"If faith is the answer we've already reached it
and if spirits a sign, then it's only a matter of time"
#7
Ok, the first thing i noticed was that the structure is very messed up in parts such as the first paragraph; so those need to be dwindled out.
Sorry mate, got to eat now, i'll get back to this.
#8
Dreary weather today, ain't it?
Interesting choice of words to start off with. Given the mood of the entire piece, I think it works here. My only problem is that the beginning asks the reader a question, while the rest of the piece is written from a introspective point of view. Unless you are intentionally trying to involve the reader in this introspective process, I would consider rewording the introduction...

Shattered glass from open window panes scattered throughout
The overcast room. The wet-continuing to weep in through the walls-
Constantly stains the carpet with coffee and nicotine.
Muddied footprints tracking through to your bed; the dog house.
Ok, I like your imagery here. One critique of this piece says that the structure of the first paragraph isn't right, I have to DISAGREE with that. I found this stanza or paragraph to flow quite nicely and roll of the tongue as it should. Nothing cliche nor unoriginal in such lines as "The wet-continuing to weep in through the walls- Constantly stains the carpet with coffee and nicotine..." The "Overcast room..." line ties in well with the introduction, even though I still think the introduction should be reworded.

I awoke early from the unfinished haunting at dawn only to discover
The weather had taken a turn for the worse; the sun was up.
I crawled back into the uterus in which I gestate,
In which I would sleep until the next rainfall to celebrate.
This is by far the strongest stanza of this whole piece. Good use of irony in the line, "The weather had taken a turn for the worse; the sun was up." Again, the last two lines really show some strong writing ability, not only in your use of imagery, but as well as the mood you set by your choice of words.

Tough to awaken from such deep slumber after nine long months,
Creeping through the cavity in which I've acclimatized to the mucus.
Lacking the strength to uncurl and lift myself out of bed
I crawl aimlessly through the dimly lit corridor to the other side.
Another strong stanza here. I feel, although, that this is a bit weaker than the last. My only comment is that "nine long months," is a bit too obvious, try to hide your meaning a bit more and make the reader search for it. The second line is godly...

I've pricked my thumb; I have a sliver- I'll take no more notice as my cranial bleeding
Continues so softly; so numb. Speechless; dyslexia ensues as infected wounds bleeding still,
From the beating that took place in the daylight- the unfinished haunting.
The leeches; the peasents; the little piggies infected with carpel tunnel. I am a dog. I am your dog.
Since I am critiquing as I read, I reserve the right to name more than one stanza as the most well written. That being said, I would say that this ending is incredibly strong. Actually, this is the kind of reading that captivates me and leaves me wanting to read more. Well done my friend.


Again, I thank you for critiquing my piece. I certainly hope to read more from you.
#9
Where was i... ah yes, structure
You need to organise your structure a whole lot more for ease of reading and to make it flow because this piece really lacked a solid structure. Don't edit this again, just try to incorporate a good strucure into your next piece.

Ok, this is a huge improvement in terms of imagery. (yes the first stanza was a little cliched but hey) There aren't really many problems with that.

So in general it's a huge inprovement, and it's not a bad piece at all; shows great promise.
#10
Wow, this was a really good piece. It reminded a lot of the Mars Volta, and that is the highest praise I can give. The vocabulary you used was excellent. Very dark, very sophisticated, and very poetic. Keep up the good work.

Crit mine please

Streetwalker
#12
Thanks for all the responses.

To Tantalus: I was aiming for a prog rock-ish feel, and I thank you for noticing that.

To Alpha&Omega: Thanks for that lovely full crit. I agree that my intro needs to be reworded slightly, to keep the structure together etc.

themarsvolta: And you seem to have spotted one of the band's I'm quite enjoying right now. This piece came about after listening to them and then throwing on Animals...then Wish You Were here...and then Dark Side of the Moon... twice. xD

Haha, well I hope everyone's enjoying it, and I think I've given everyone their crits back...
To caz_guitar_dude: I thank you again for checking this out. The reason I was bent on editing it and fixing it up was because I liked it enough that I though I might use it as an original song (that is worth playing), so I now have the crazy idea to create a massive conceptual idea...

Yeah right, this is gonna take me forever xD
#14
Whoa...I've never even heard of those guys...

I thought I had come across something that no one had done yet...blast. Well I don't know if I'm changing it yet, I've yet to finalize everything, but thanks for the info. (Any comments on the actual piece?)