#1
Ah well, its been a while since I've written, mostly because I've been largly uninspired, but I think I just wrote something interesting, and I would like you to read it.
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Death of a Child [In a Hate-Striken World]

Bang! went the gunshot
Death is heard around the block
The killer watched target like a hawk
The victim he hit knew not life ceases and desists and this
Is caused only by one explosion
Directed by the killer's stone cold fist
On accident, the aim was destroyed by the slip of a wrist
The child he only had one wish
To live and be just innocent
No killing, hatred
None of that shit.

Was that kid supposed to die?
No he wasn't
Does killer even care?
No he doesn't
The assasin, he scrammed
Cause he don't give a damn
He's too hardcore, man
To give that damn about innocent lives living in his land
What does it matter if they die by his hand?

Just one false shot,
Ended a life
Injured community
Caused difficult strife
Cause shit like this happens
Fear caused by anger
Instead of killing his target
The deceased was a stranger
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Crit for crit... yeah sure.
#2
Wow, really good stuff man. The only complaint I'd have is that in the first stanza/verse, the second rhyme scheme you employ goes on for a few too many lines and begins to get a bit repetitive, maybe use slant/off rhyme to keep the flow but move it along a little bit

good stuff man.
#3
D. White, my man, where you been? hey nice one here, i think its one of the best raps ive read from you, great job. Cant crit cause i didnt dislike any of it. one question, are you sure you can flo that? kinda was hard for me to find a beat. and what'll the beat, as in music, b like?

hey, latest of mine is in sig
#4
Quote by Phoebus
Wow, really good stuff man. The only complaint I'd have is that in the first stanza/verse, the second rhyme scheme you employ goes on for a few too many lines and begins to get a bit repetitive, maybe use slant/off rhyme to keep the flow but move it along a little bit

good stuff man.

Ah, ok, I'll work on that, I think I was just trying to rhyme it as much as possible, you know, but I think I over did it, thanks.

Quote by AmplifySilence
D. White, my man, where you been? hey nice one here, i think its one of the best raps ive read from you, great job. Cant crit cause i didnt dislike any of it. one question, are you sure you can flo that? kinda was hard for me to find a beat. and what'll the beat, as in music, b like?

hey, latest of mine is in sig

Well, flow, I dunno, usually when I rap I change a few words and stuff to fit the flow and the beat. As for a beat, I dunno, I'll talk to maddd0g about it, maybe soemthing and steady.

EDIT: Oh shit, I just remembered, its gonna be a Common (the rapper) type flow, yeah, it'll sound something like the flow on this song---> http://www.yousendit.com/transfer.php?action=download&ufid=382657533F9A8CCD
Last edited by MastaBassist10 at Aug 25, 2006,
#5
thats cool i like the whole story behind... though not being a rapper i cant bring too much criticism to the table. but the story behind it is great you followed it through the whole time. great job
#7
It seems you're back with yet another hip hop masterpeice. i'm really not a big fan of rap, but I really do like you're songs. I particularly enjoyed reading this one The subject material and the flow were both excellent. Keep up the good work.

Crit mine please

Apparition of Love
#8
Quote by AmplifySilence
Common? what songs has he done? i dont know him i think.

*Ahem*
There was a link to download on of his songs in my last post.
#10
this is really interesting. i used to hear alot about this stuff happening. keep it up
#11
Nice. It took me a while to find the flow but I once I got the flow I really liked it. I like the message too. I'm not a fan of rap but I like reading rap lyrics. Good job.

Can you please crit one from my sig?
#14
geez... I haven't been on in forever, so I'd figure I'd see what your latest project is since it's usually a good read. I liked the piece for the most part. I think you've got a good concept in it, and it seemed to sound good to me with a common-type flow. Hope you hit us with another one soon.