#1
original version deleted...

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after a few hours of nonstop work, i had edited this song. please take time to review it! i believe it's much better now...tell me what you think...crit 4 crit is welcome, just leave ur links!

verse 1:
my little chamber, kept in secret
lacks the general modern convenience
it's a rehab for someone special,
and rehab's all she ever needed]
- i edited the first verse...what do u think? better?

chorus:

oh you know
you can let her go
she's grown up
i'll give her a home
we'll go slow
i can promise more
we'll have kids
and name them.... but not after you


verse 2:

inherited my daddy's ripped old jeans
she taught me how to take them off
exposed only in front of her eyes,
she knows everything i think and feel

~chorus~


verse 3:
In my fairy tale inspired story,
where i am the worthless pawn.
the king has lost his princess,
and he doesn't need to worry

~chorus~

verse 4:
i keep my princess locked in my room
she enjoys my company, i'm a friend
i temporarily saved her from her pain
but the king could find her again soon


mumble during bridge:
i collect the butterflies as trophies,
my hunting ground is my stomach.
i use her rosy perfume as bait,
and her love, and our fate

-chorus-

-end-
Last edited by zwound at Aug 27, 2006,
#3
I enjoyed the piece very much - Very interesting choice of words in describing everything, very cool and unique - Keep it up, bud!
REVENGE
#5
thanks for the positive reviews, but i know it's not perfect. not even for 4 am in the morning not...any bad points please? can anyone bother making a longer review? thanks

Guitar-god-elf btw, was that sarcastic?
#6
Thanks for critting mine.

Great song! Just one particular line sort of caught me off guard.
"she dominates me, with mammary glands"

There must be a way to say this without using mammary glands in the line. I mean, it just sounds wrong to me. I don't know why exactly but I can't imagine someone singing that line.

Otherwise excellent song, I especially like the chorus, very powerful.
Light is faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Quote by Scott3229
if i wanted to get brain washed and then throw all my money away, id go to church


"I see, you've been blinded by what you believe" Sully Erna
#7
Mmm, sorry here, but i couldnt make myslef like this piece, the flow was off a lot, and the line about mammary glands was really really dumb. The chorus was pretty good, but the last line iterupts the rhythm a lot. The butterfly metaphor was pretty good, but it didnt make me think wow or anything. The romeo and Juliet rip-off was bland.

I know you made this at 4 oclock in the morning, but it needs some MAJOR work.

Check out mine? the first link in my sig
thx
#8
i updated the song alot...please re-review...crit 4 crit if u leavu er links
#9
You know, im not gonna full crit this because ive already said alot, but here it is...

Youve improved this immensely, with out the lame metaphors and mammary gland line, this is a nice piece, the king and princess metaphor is great, it really improves and colors up the piece. ALso the little changes, like the vocabulary is good.

If youll check mine its the first in my sig.
thx
#10
Definitly improved over the original and really good overall. I liked how you connected the king and princess metaphor to the king and pawn thing. I really dislike the first verse for some reason. Dont change it just casue I said so, unless you agree, but ti seemed a bit odd to me. Otherwise very good.
If you could crit mine (Untitled in my sig) that would be awesome. Thanks.
#11
Hahahahaha the first draft was, I must admit, very bad. It did make me laugh, that line about the mammary glands ROFL.

Your second edition is great. When I first read it, I didn't like it that much, because it is sort of different. The second time I read it, though, it really grew on me.


inherited my daddy's ripped old jeans
she taught me how to take them off


Man, that line right there tells so much in so few words. I really like it. It's much better stated than in the first writing.

I really think this is a good rewrite. I compliment your work.

Hey, could you please crit "Leaving Me Alone"? I know I'm critting you back because you critted me, but I'd like your opinion on it. Don't feel pressured or rushed, but if you could I'd be much obliged.
Last edited by lespaul_rentals at Aug 26, 2006,
#12
Thanks AAA for your helpful crits, they really helped me improve this song. Thank you Sjada and les_paul rentals, i can trust you two guys to tell me it's good when it's good (hope that makes sense ). maybe this needs a little more work, im gonna redo the first verse...
but first i'll crit some songs :p
#13
i made a new update on the first verse...check it out. all crit is welcome!! i'd rather have someone tell me what's crap and explain why, than just saying it's good! crit 4 crit if you want, just leave your links...
#14
my little chamber, kept in secret
lacks the general modern convenience
it's a rehab for someone special,
and rehab's all she ever needed

i like that new first verse i also like the mumbled part very good idea about the butterflies and youre stomach being the hunting ground i thought that that was very smart use of words.
SINCERELY WRITTEN FROM MY BROTHERS BLOOD MACHINE, MAN YOURE BATTLES STATIONS, WE'LL HAVE YOU DEAD PRETTY SOON

Coheed and Cambria: In Keeping Secrets Of Silent Earth 3
#15
It's good to see you've taken onboard everyones advice. Now you have a really sweet song. The second "version" is really the best. Hope my crittage from last time helped.
#16
Seeings I did it to version 1, I thought I'd do a decent crit for version 2.

Quote by zwound

verse 1:
my little chamber, kept in secret
lacks the general modern convenience
it's a rehab for someone special,
and rehab's all she ever needed]
- i edited the first verse...what do u think? better?

Definantly better. The billy and bob just didn't work. You've done alot better on this one.
chorus:

oh you know
you can let her go
she's grown up
i'll give her a home
we'll go slow
i can promise more
we'll have kids
and name them.... but not after you
This I don't think has changed. It is still good, as I said last time.

verse 2:

inherited my daddy's ripped old jeans
she taught me how to take them off
exposed only in front of her eyes,
she knows everything i think and feel
Much better. I love the inherited part. Very nice touch.

~chorus~

verse 3:
In my fairy tale inspired story,
where i am the worthless pawn.
the king has lost his princess,
and he doesn't need to worry
Cool as stanza. Kind of like you've lost it all, but you haven't lost hope. I like it. It's somewhat uplifting. Which is what we all need.

~chorus~

verse 4:
i keep my princess locked in my room
she enjoys my company, i'm a friend
i temporarily saved her from her pain
but the king could find her again soon
I like this one as well, it goes with the first verse and the notion of the princess in rehab.

mumble during bridge:
i collect the butterflies as trophies,
my hunting ground is my stomach.
i use her rosy perfume as bait,
and her love, and our fate
Again, this is still a good part.

-chorus-

-end-


Well done once again for taking onboard other peoples advice. You've inspired me to actually do the same for once, and edit my songs, instead of using the knowledge for future ones. Well done. I much prefered version 2. The first version was just a little odd in parts, and you've adressed that issue.
Crit my latest one? Link in sig.
#17
Definitly an improvement in the first verse there. The bill and bob thing was weird, and it seems a bit more integrated as opposed to just being there to open it up.
#18
well ill start off and say good job. no more billy and bob. that first verse i liked. it seemed vague to me but in a good way you know? i especially like verses 3,4, and 5. They seemed exceptionally good to me.
#19
i liked it a bunch but i can't really crit it cause i'm not very good, but i liked it a lot if that helps
Quote by MightyAl
The best way to approach a group of girls is wearing a dirty old trenchcoat with nothing underneath. Open it in slow motion, while making your 'orgasm face', and then run like hell.

]
#20
I must say that I am very glad I missed the first version...after the editing you've done this is really a very good song. YOu've been clever about the words and I like that a lot, it means that there is layers of meaning and not just some aspiring writer who uses things just because they think that they'll sound good.

I like the understated power that you've given 'her'

keep writing.

i'd appreciate it if you'd like to crit mine, the link is in the sig
It won't take long


'When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth' - Billy age 4
#21
Quote by zwound
thanks for the positive reviews, but i know it's not perfect. not even for 4 am in the morning not...any bad points please? can anyone bother making a longer review? thanks

Guitar-god-elf btw, was that sarcastic?



no!

seriously i thought it was great

plus im crap at sarcasm anyway