#1
Here's my latest. Crit it if you will. It hasn't been finished, or edited in any way. Only finished it a half hour ago. Leave me a link, and i'll do the same for yours. Do with it what you will. Few parts are fairly cliche.

*edited* <<Scroll down to bottom for latest version

Peaceful Existence

Verse 1
I fell asleep again, and had a dream
I dreamed of all the things, I though of,
Through this passing week. I dreamt about you
I dreamt of what you really think of what we really are
Waking up this morning
I realize it was a nightmare

Chorus
Bring me back to my peaceful existence.
I don?t ever want to burn again.
Tipped off, by an illegal informer,
You had a head start before the race could begin.

Verse 2
As I hold on to, everything I have
We slowly both realise. It wasn?t much
Never much at all. A spirit. Holding a ghost
That didn?t want to be here, needing to be free
Slipped through the gates
Boards couldn?t stop it

Bridge
End it all, end it well
The painful realisation, of time. Without you
It will happen soon. The end, it will go well
The descension of all I never had
It?s happening now.
The ending, final thoughts slice,
Thin this already scared atmosphere.

Outro
As I hold on to, everything I have
As it slips away, so silently
The silhouette grows smaller
And the ending was short
The ending was sharp
The ending took us by storm
And allowed us to breathe
Which is all we wanted.
Last edited by turaki at Aug 29, 2006,
#2
i believe these are all stanzas...am i right? no chorus?

stanza 1

i like the way, you keep using the word 'dream' in this stanza. i'd also like the stanza if the last 2 lines were differently put across in music, as in...yelled...whispered....you know, a break from the regular rythmic pattern in the stanza.

stanza 2 (or maybe chorus? :S)

this seems to me a chorus material, as this stanza is cleanest possible from any kind of slow description. it's fast, it's simple. it's clear what it means, and it certainly has more energy to it.

stanza 3

i like it. follows the same pattern as stanza 1, with two shorter lines at the end.

stanza 4

i don't know, lol, but this stanza gives an effect as if a madman is saying it (which can be a very goood thing). short sentences. violent sentences. kinda angry, and revengious?

stanza 5

i really like the ending. probably what i really like about is, that you keep repeating the word 'ending' several times. also ends with two very good lines. effective. simple. yet strong


8.5/10 :P

please review mine https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=6611787#post6611787
#3
Yeah, thanks heaps for that crit. Yeah, as I said earlier, it hasn't really been sorted into verses and a chorus. But thats what you guys are for. Yeah, that chorter stanza would be good as a chorus. Thanks for that.
I'm not really sure about the word "dissention". I don't think I have the spelling correct. Its supposed to mean "decent", as in going down. Hope someone understands my gibberish and can help with that word. I'll crit yours for you too.
#5
ok, i did a full crit, but my computer froze, so here it is.

Good overall, some things are little bland, but overall very good. The flow is very smooth and without a chours this song is still very good even without that focal point. But i do think you could make it even better with a chours.

Check out mine? the first link in my sig.
thx
#6
Quote by AmishPhonebooks
Descension. That's the word you're looking for. And that's about all the help I can offer really

Thanks mate. I knew it was a word somewhere.
Quote by AAA_the_band

Check out mine? the first link in my sig.
thx

Consider it done.
#9
Quote by turaki
Here's my latest. Crit it if you will. It hasn't been finished, or edited in any way. Only finished it a half hour ago. Leave me a link, and i'll do the same for yours. Do with it what you will. Few parts are fairly cliche.

*edited*

Peaceful Existence

Verse 1
I fell asleep again, and had a dream
I dreamed of all the things, I though of,
Through this passing week. I dreamt about you
I dreamt of what you really think of what we really are
Waking up this morning
I realize it was a nightmare

Dreamt, not dreamed, I think. Thought, not though. I think you really need to sort out your puntuation here, go read some books to get a feel of how to use it. To many "I dream" lines, go get a theasaurus, maybe use metaphor insted of stating it.

Chorus
Bring me back to my peaceful existence.
I don?t ever want to burn again.
Tipped off, by an illegal informer,
You had a head start before the race could begin.

Solid. Maybe lacking a real hook, which all songs need, but solid nonetheless.

Verse 2
As I hold on to, everything I have
We slowly both realise. It wasn?t much
Never much at all. A spirit. Holding a ghost
That didn?t want to be here, needing to be free
Slipped through the gates
Boards couldn?t stop it

Again, odd puntuation brings down the stanza. Sort that out.

Bridge
End it all, end it well
The painful realisation, of time. Without you
It will happen soon. The end, it will go well
The descension of all I never had
It?s happening now.
The ending, final thoughts slice,
Thin this already scared atmosphere.

Another thing you could work on is not repeating words so much, as it really makes a piece tedious to read/ listen to. It's like you've run out of ideas. Also, not great diction here, it kind of comes across as not well thought out or ordered.

Outro
As I hold on to, everything I have
As it slips away, so silently
The silhouette grows smaller
And the ending was short
The ending was sharp
The ending took us by storm
And allowed us to breathe
Which is all we wanted.

Again with the repetiton of words and random flow. This piece never really captured me, or hit me emotionally.


Jamie
#10
Thanks for the crit jammydude. It was greatly appreciated. I need some help with suggested punctuation. This was the first song of mine that I attempted to punctuate, and as it shows, I have no idea how to do this in a song context. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Here is the latest version:

Peaceful Existence

Verse 1
I fell asleep again and had an illusion
I dreamt of all the things I though of
Thought this passing week, I dreamt about you.
I dreamt of what you really think of what we really are
Waking up this morning
I realize it was a nightmare

Chorus
Bring me back to my peaceful existence.
I don?t ever want to burn again.
Tipped off, by an illegal informer,
You had a head start before the race could begin.

Verse 2
As I hold on to everything I have
We slowly both realise it wasn?t much
Never much at all, a spirit, holding a ghost
That didn?t want to be here needing to be free
Slipped through the gates
Boards couldn?t stop it

Bridge
End it all, finish it well
The painful realisation of time.
Without you
It will happen soon.
The end it will go well
The dissention of all I never had
It?s happening now.
The finale, conclusive thoughts slip out
Slice thin this already scared atmosphere.

Outro
As I hold on to, everything I have
As it slips away, so silently
The silhouette grows smaller
In the distance
And the finish was short
It was sharp, took us by storm.
And allowed us to breathe
Which is all we wanted
#11
Quote by turaki
Thanks for the crit jammydude. It was greatly appreciated. I need some help with suggested punctuation. This was the first song of mine that I attempted to punctuate, and as it shows, I have no idea how to do this in a song context. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Here is the latest version:

Peaceful Existence

Verse 1
I fell asleep again and had an illusion
I dreamt of all the things I though of
Thought this passing week, I dreamt about you.
I dreamt of what you really think of what we really are
Waking up this morning
I realize it was a nightmare

I like this verse, especialy the last sentence wich for me kinda sets the mood for the rest of the song. I actualy liked the word dream better then the word illusion.

Chorus
Bring me back to my peaceful existence.
I don?t ever want to burn again.
Tipped off, by an illegal informer,
You had a head start before the race could begin.

you wish you never had the dream/illusion?, very much like the last two lines, dont realy now why tough just like them

Verse 2
As I hold on to everything I have
We slowly both realise it wasn?t much
Never much at all, a spirit, holding a ghost
That didn?t want to be here needing to be free
Slipped through the gates
Boards couldn?t stop it

painfully accepting the truth, nice

Bridge
End it all, finish it well
The painful realisation of time.
Without you
It will happen soon.
The end it will go well
The dissention of all I never had
It?s happening now.
The finale, conclusive thoughts slip out
Slice thin this already scared atmosphere.

this part is much better now then it origanily was, nice improvements

Outro
As I hold on to, everything I have
As it slips away, so silently
The silhouette grows smaller
In the distance
And the finish was short
It was sharp, took us by storm.
And allowed us to breathe
Which is all we wanted

something is missing here, cant explain what but i have the feeling something is missing


In conclusion: its a pretty good piece but it still needs some work, have you tought about the kind of music for it?

Crit mine? link is in my signature
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EH Big muff (SU )
Squier strat (customized w/ emg's and fender parts)
Ibanez acoustic (with active pu)
Ibanez 12string acoustic
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#12
I love the last two lines. Everything else that would be in this crit has been said...but quality work!

check mine out? the link is in my sig
It won't take long


'When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth' - Billy age 4