#1
im kinda new at righting lyrics just wanted to see if anybody likes what i have done

Title - New Dawn

Once death has spoken its soft words.
A new born will have the wrath, thus re-creating
The born spoor once more will triumphant over the opposing.
Try to kill the unbreakable spirit and uncover the deadly secret

Once you have uncovered the deadly secret.
The born spoor will unleash its wrath of death.
The witnesses of the wrath will have earned the burn of the death mark.
Once the death mark was earned a new spoor was once born
Once again.

Cross the river over the STONES
Unvailing the wrath
The new day will Dawn!
THE NEW DAY WILL DAWN!!
(AHHHHHHHHHH)


Witness the wrath!
Speak of no word!(AHHHH)
Breaking the silence!
A new day will DAWN!


Re-creating!!(AHHHHH)
Breaking silence
Creating the mythical
The new day will DAWN!


Crossing the river
Unvailing the wrath
The new day will Dawn!
THE NEW DAY WILL DAWN!!
(AHHHHHHHHHH)

After the dawn what will become?
what will fail? (yourself)
what will complete? (Nothing)
what will? (End to all!)

Unbreakable spirit lives on (FALES!)
Death of the spoor (Unbreakable!)
NOTHING (will complete)
Trusting!! (BULLSH!T!)

Witness the wrath!
Speak of no word!(AHHHH)
Breaking the silence!
A new day will DAWN!

The new day
the new dawn
THE NEW DAY!!!
THE NEW DAWN!!!
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#2
Could'nt be more uplifting. Just what I would like to hear first thing in the morning to start my day out on a positive note. Seriously, try to use more suttle references to death and dispair. I like dark music, however there is a fine line between corney and metal. I play in a thrash, metal band so I do speak from experience. I share, and most the time take on all song writing duties (grumble). You asked for an opinion, hope I am not too harsh. METAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bigpawz (Guitarist, Lake Effect LLC)
#3
Once death has spoken its soft words.
A new born will have the wrath, thus re-creating
The born spoor once more will triumphant over the opposing.
Try to kill the unbreakable spirit and uncover the deadly secret

second line is a bit awkward in phrasing, "have the wrath" is somewhat vague, and i'm not a huge fan of ending a line with a verb.. the use of "spoor" makes absolutely no sense....i think you mean triumph and not triumphant. the internal rhyme on the last line moves it along nicely

Once you have uncovered the deadly secret.
The born spoor will unleash its wrath of death.
The witnesses of the wrath will have earned the burn of the death mark.
Once the death mark was earned a new spoor was once born
Once again.
I don't like starting a stanza with the line that ended the previous stanza, it feels too repetitive and clunky. I'm almost positive by now that you don't know what a spoor is....a trail can't unleash death. Don't use wrath twice within half a line. again...spoor does not work. i'm stopping here...

if you're going to try to write some sort of epic story via poetry, you can't do it by using the same boring words over and over again (using "wrath" for the apocalyptic inferno unleashed by whatever you've imagined a spoor to be by this point doesn't paint a great picture). also, don't use words you don't know the meaning of, because you just wrote a poem about how a trail left by a hunted animal is going to kick some ass.

--jay


edit: i just read the rest....using AHHHHHHHH a lot rarely, if ever, makes something good.
#4
Is "spoor" a fungus? Is that what you are trying to convey? "Spawn" seems to fit better try that.