#1
So i'm starting a series of poems and some songs called The Prophecy. This first one is not your usual introduction but that's what it is. And it's a little different from my writing style, instead of imagrey and emotions i use like emotions and vagueness. Take a look though, im looking to make it better. As an individual poem its called Beauty can be Vague and as a part of the series its The Prophecy chapter 1 verses 1-10, cause its a prophecy. Ok, ill stop talking, here it is, crit for crit.

The Prophecy 1:1-10
Subtitled: Beauty can be Vague


1 My confused head spins another tale. I?m pale.

2 It becomes so difficult to know where I stand.
Answers that were never clear, but simply understood,
respond to the questions I never knew how to ask.
I didn?t know it would wound me the way it did.

3 Inhale a breath of hope as your lungs start to collapse.
Maybe in the end I won?t need these lungs to breathe.
Perhaps if I hold my breath I?ll understand that
every story?s different, every eye perceives something.

4 My pleading soul falls to its knees. Oh, please.

5 Don?t forget why you respect me.
Don?t overlook what is so obvious.
Don?t overhear what isn?t verbose.
Rest on these words I wisely chose.

6 When the day ends and everyone else forgets,
the only memory that remains contains elapsed blame.
For the book that once was easy to comprehend
now is in a language that won?t be understood.

7 They?ve never looked confused, so why are they crying?
Our ocular worries become the only evidence.
Another brother died as he lied about his age.
Only the non-ticking clock stops the theory of hope.

8 My growing heart asks for your hand, to stand.

9 Don?t misuse this love I give you.
Don?t underestimate this fire.
Don?t cry, just hold me eternally.
These words symbolize the prophecy.

10 My ardent eyes tell what is true. They do.
#2
dude thats very different... in a good way though but like. are they all different poems or all in one song? other than that it's cool i just dont get it
#3
I liked it, except the rhyming in parts 1, 4, 8, and 10. I mean, it seemed like a good idea, but, like many things, it didn't play out.
#5
I have to say that this was one of the best poems I have I read. I really liked the cryptic writing style. Some parts didn't flow, but I'll over look that because the entire piece was beautifully written. It reminded my of the Genesis album "The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway". Anyways, keep up the good work.

Crit mine please

Apparition of Love
#6
Wow, that was really different, but I liked it alot. Some of it sounds a bit forced, maybe you might want to rework 4, 8, and 10. Or maybe just leave them out. Keep writing!

here's mine:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=420809
#7
Quote by AmplifySilence


The Prophecy 1:1-10
Subtitled: Beauty can be Vague


1 My confused head spins another tale. I?m pale.

2 It becomes so difficult to know where I stand.
Answers that were never clear, but simply understood,
respond to the questions I never knew how to ask.
I didn?t know it would wound me the way it did.

Umm wasn't a fan of the "I'm pale" at the end of 1. I thought it may work better to begin it, it would be a far bolder opening. Since pale is very ambiguous.
As for 2. I love the simple wording and very introspective rhetorics are decent.


3 Inhale a breath of hope as your lungs start to collapse.
Maybe in the end I won?t need these lungs to breathe.
Perhaps if I hold my breath I?ll understand that
every story?s different, every eye perceives something.

4 My pleading soul falls to its knees. Oh, please.

I think you should desensitise the lungs in line 2, by saying "Organs" as if they really dont matter anymore, so much so you dont know what they're called. The last line feels unfinished to me, i thought about adding "else" to the very end, I dunno though. Still a nice stanza, even if the opening line is slightly cliche.

5 Don?t forget why you respect me.
Don?t overlook what is so obvious.
Don?t overhear what isn?t verbose.
Rest on these words I wisely chose.

excellent, the repeats mid-way really emphasise progression.

6 When the day ends and everyone else forgets,
the only memory that remains contains elapsed blame.
For the book that once was easy to comprehend
now is in a language that won?t be understood.

This is an intruiging stanza, im not sure about the "remains contains" part, its hard to get the tongue around, and kinda stumps the flow a bit. As for the final two. Ace.

7 They?ve never looked confused, so why are they crying?
Our ocular worries become the only evidence.
Another brother died as he lied about his age.
Only the non-ticking clock stops the theory of hope.

haha nice nice stanza, thats all

8 My growing heart asks for your hand, to stand.

9 Don?t misuse this love I give you.
Don?t underestimate this fire.
Don?t cry, just hold me eternally.
These words symbolize the prophecy.

10 My ardent eyes tell what is true. They do.

And a nice ending, it all ties up very well indeed. Overall this is a really strong piece, you had your aim, and in my mind you achieved success on every level, the language, the diction, the structure everything fits with the synopsis. I really liked this. It reminds me alot of the TV series Millenium, which i've just finished watching, I bought a Bible (im non-religious) to do something along these lines, but now it'll be plagerism oh well. I'll leave it a month. nice work, I look forward to more.




peACE
Steve
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#8
wow, thanx a lot man, yeah, my idea came from the bible, the chapter and verse, its my prophecy... oh i loved the organs idea, thanx.
Last edited by AmplifySilence at Aug 25, 2006,
#10
well it was good. and it was vague like you said. it confused me a lot of course i guess thats what youre after. in verse 6 i think the last line should be "now is in a languang noone can understand." might just be me though.
#12
hmmm, i would do a full crit, but i kind of agree with retribution here, its fairly well writte, but calling it aprophecy doesnt seem to fit the piece, but maybe it will make sense later on, so ill have to see the others
#13
no, im not claiming bible, it kinda follows the format of the bible... and AAA yeah itll make sense, as a prophecy... just wait...
#16
i wonder whats da music like, if itsa song???
i like the 6th part the most, and maybe the 3rd one too, however i dont really like the ending, it seems like jumped off the subject to me....maybe im wrong. Nyways, obviously u put alot into this song, but its still there to improve
peAce
#17
You've already had a full crit from The Hurt within, so I'll give you a full one next time

But this seemed interesting, I'm not sure I got exactly why it's a prophecy or whatnot but it was intriguing nonetheless.

Jamie
#19
hey, i found this piece quite nice, but the rhyming on the single lines didnt seem natural to me, although i kinda like stuff like that . what i also find strange is the personal perspective, isnt that unusual for a prophecy?
but its a nice piece anyway, good job


now for something completely different:
are you still busy on your other project ''the other side'' or are you taking a break from that one, to work on this?
And what is more, there's been a bloody purple nose and some bloody purple clothes that were messing up the lobby floor. It's just apartment house rules so all you 'partment fools remember : one man's ceiling is another man's floor.
#20
Muster Y, im planning on still working on the other side man, but im working on this too, its kinda in between a break and im still working on it but not posting it, but ill get tpo qwork when im done here