#1
crit 4 crit

Hollow Halls And Shallow Valves

what are all these lights for
why are you calling my name
what have you done to yourself
it will be over all too soon
come on, youre homeward bound

it's a rush to the emergency room
it's a rush of blood to my head
oh oh it's a rush to the emergency room
whoa oh it's a rush of blood to my head

please dear god tell me, what is this coming out of her chest?
why do i feel it in my hands?
please doctor tell me, why has her breathing stopped?
why cant i see it anymore?
please dear god take it i dont want to hold it anymore

are my arms as comfy as those beds
are they as cold and hard
listen well can you hear the footsteps
"their coming for me"
"lets wait and see"

it's a rush to the emergency room
it's a rush of blood to my head
oh oh it's a rush to the emergency room
whoa oh it's a rush of blood to my head

please dear god tell me, what is this coming out of her chest?
why do i feel it in my hands?
please doctor tell me, why has her breathing stopped?
why cant i see it anymore?
please dear god take it i dont want to hold it anymore

youre soul leaks through
the words that you said
but now their faint
in the hollow halls of this place

oh oh it's a rush to the emergency room
whoa oh it's a rush of blood to my head x4

please dear god tell me, what is this coming out of her chest?
why do i feel it in my hands?
please doctor tell me, why has her breathing stopped?
why cant i see it anymore?
please dear god take it i dont want to hold it anymore
Last edited by Scarcity at Aug 27, 2006,
#2
dude i really like it... a few parts confused me but most of it was great, very good, the chorus hits hard. cause its so strong. again, great song

mine is linked in sig
#3
also the name is under construction ideas are welcome after all i only made this song up 30 minutes ago
#4
This was a very powerful song here. A lot of songs about death a trite, but this one was fresh and original. Very emotional and very well written. I loved the way you approached this subject. I really enjoyed reading it. Keep up the good work.

Crit mine please

Apparition of Love
#5
this lost me within the first few lines....it kinda seems way too much like a story to be a song...maybe with some music i might understand it mroe but im not totally sure what this is getting at song wise.... maybe making it shorter and less of a story would help, but again this might just be me, overall though good word choice and topic but kinda confusing
Check for "Taking a Picture (Won't capture this)
#6
Quote by Scarcity

Hollow Halls And Shallow Valves

so what is this you want
why did you come for me
the lights are on and everyones home
why do you crawl in my bed
and why do you listen to everything thats said
Hmm, not sure about the use of the lights metaphore. its a reversed saying. And it has a fairly forced rhyme in there. It's not that neccisary to rhyme.

it's a rush to the emergency room
it's a rush of blood to my head
oh oh it's a rush to the emergency room
whoa oh it's a rush of blood to my head
Is this going to be the chorus? Or a bridge arrangement? It reminds me of a Coldplay line "leaving upon a ruch of blood to the head" or something like that.

please dear god tell me, what is this coming out of her chest?
why do i feel it in my hands?
please doctor tell me, why has her breathing stopped?
why cant i see it anymore?
please dear god take it i dont want to hold it anymore
This part confuses me. Feel what in your hands? Holding what?

are my arms as comfy as those beds
are they as cold and hard
listen well can you hear the footsteps
"their coming for me"
"lets wait and see"
I liked this bit. Will the talking part be in a different voice? Eg. whispered.

youre soul leaks through
the words that you said
but now their faint
in the hollow halls of this place
why have you stopped beating my arm
I really don't get this part. The first four lines are good, but the last one confuses me, and throws me off track.


Overall, a decent song, but a few times there are lines that make it confusing, throwing the whole song off. Once these are fixed however, it could be really good.
#7
the thing thats coming out of her chest... eg her heart is what he is also holding in his hands. the whole point is a hospital and getting there eventually why have you stopped beating my arm signals the fact she is dead.
#8
Ahh, I see it now. Like I said before though, others like me have been a little confused. Thanks for critting mine too.
#9
yeah i changed it a bit too the first verse (i feel) fits into the song moe and i removed her beating my arm completely
SINCERELY WRITTEN FROM MY BROTHERS BLOOD MACHINE, MAN YOURE BATTLES STATIONS, WE'LL HAVE YOU DEAD PRETTY SOON

Coheed and Cambria: In Keeping Secrets Of Silent Earth 3
#10
That was pretty good, Ive noticed a lot of peices like this floating around forums, but I havent really noticed many in actual music or anything, so itll probly have a sense of originality to the average person IMO. I really liked the first stanza of your chorus. It had a really good flow and was pretty catchy and I think it will really get people into the song more. As for your revision, I would say it was a definite improvement, especially in the first stanza were it needed to be a lot more integrated into the song IMO. Otherwise, this song is pretty good. Nothing else really good or bad that I would point out. It has potential, IMO, it could be improved even more with another revision. Thanks for the crit btw.
#11
anytime mate thanks for yours
SINCERELY WRITTEN FROM MY BROTHERS BLOOD MACHINE, MAN YOURE BATTLES STATIONS, WE'LL HAVE YOU DEAD PRETTY SOON

Coheed and Cambria: In Keeping Secrets Of Silent Earth 3
#12
that song seemed really powerful. its not like a death related song thats all flowery and past oriented. its more like a smack in the face. its short sweet and straight to the point. which is hard to pull off in a song. ill admit though. everythings a little vague here and there. its good though. i like it.
#13
Wow, man, that's a heavy song. I mean, I, and others, commonly write about death from a perspective of "now that you're gone" but this is more of a "you're dieing in my arms" point of view. It's very heavy and I like it alot.

Some of your rhymes, however, are forced. I think your revision made it alot better, but some parts still sound forced:


"their coming for me"
"lets wait and see"


Stuff like that. If you were to make this into a song, I don't think you would have to change any of the forced rhymes, but on paper it does slightly reduce the potency of the piece.

Some of the lines were amazing, and the kind of line that bring a tear to the eye:


are my arms as comfy as those beds
are they as cold and hard



please dear god tell me, what is this coming out of her chest?
why do i feel it in my hands?
please doctor tell me, why has her breathing stopped?
why cant i see it anymore?
please dear god take it i dont want to hold it anymore


Great stanza right there, the first two lines showing the way you hold her heart in your hands and it's coming out as she is dieing. Wow...it's heart-wrenching. Great job. I loved those two parts.
#14
I don't know why, but reading it, I didn't think of death, I got the idea that you broke this girls heart and you feel bad about it and you used the scenario of a hospital and her dying as almose a metaphor about the pain you caused and instead of you being responsible for her death you're responsible for the breakage of her heart and the pain she has to go through, deep, dark song, lots of red and black and white colours came into my head while reading it IMO
<3<3
#15
hell yes buddy you got it one hundred percent
it's a bit of both though it was about breaking someones heart but she died a short while after... not of suicide or anything like that... her lungs collapsed and yeah
anyway you got it right on the head
SINCERELY WRITTEN FROM MY BROTHERS BLOOD MACHINE, MAN YOURE BATTLES STATIONS, WE'LL HAVE YOU DEAD PRETTY SOON

Coheed and Cambria: In Keeping Secrets Of Silent Earth 3
#16
Hey man you've got alot of crits on this piece, so PM me when your next one is up, and i'll return your crit on that. Unless you especially want my views on this.

I will say a little bit here, I think you need to focus more on the locations, the emergency room is brilliant for just mentioning a drunkard, or a crying boy. Plus a bit of grammar wouldn't go amiss either.

peACE
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#17
okay dude will do
SINCERELY WRITTEN FROM MY BROTHERS BLOOD MACHINE, MAN YOURE BATTLES STATIONS, WE'LL HAVE YOU DEAD PRETTY SOON

Coheed and Cambria: In Keeping Secrets Of Silent Earth 3