#1
I had two words to end the chorus, I think I'm sticking with magazines. The other was seventeen. Well, it was ORIGINALLY sixteen, but that was a while ago... Anyway, leave thoughts. The ending I have in my head musically is really dope. I like it a lot. Three way vocals maybe?

Dedicated to Dylan, we want you to stay.

The street is on fire
It feels like sand on the beach
Beneath my feet...

And why does everyone I love
Feel like a ghost right now?
Photo albums only serve as the trigger
When you're two thousand miles away.

If tonight is the last night I'll see you
Then let me always haunt your dreams
I promise I will never sleep again
Between bedrooms and magazines

The clouds are so cold
Making me shake on this plane
It's just the same... Was this in vain?

And is the same song playing
Inside her head right now?
Antique albums only serve as the soundtrack
To these new situations

If tonight is the last night I'll see you
Then let me always haunt your dreams
I promise I will never sleep again
Between bedrooms and magazines

It's that small town vibe in a big city feeling,
We're just kids in love... we're just kids in love.
It's that small town vibe in a big city feeling,
We're just kids in love... we're just kids in...

If tonight is the last night I'll see you
Then let me always haunt your dreams
I promise I will never sleep again
Between bedrooms and magazines

I am breaking through the atmosphere.
#2
it's kool, dunno what it has to do with florida, but titles aren't that important. . . . i reele like chorus. . especialy the lines "If tonight is the last night I'll see you Then let me always haunt your dreams" awesome imagery there. . . . i can see how it is about someone leaving. . going far away and how u don't want them to. . it's amazing work, three way vocals would kik ass in this too. . . and about the magazine part it sounds kool like that
great song would long to hear it set to music. . . .
crit mine when u got time ---->> What Mirrors Do Not Show
And My Soul From Out That Shadow That Lies Floating On The Floor, Shall Be Lifted. . . Nevermore.
The Raven -Edgar Allen Poe
(\__/)
(='.'=)
(")_(")
<<<<<<<<IT'S A FREAKIN BUNNY!O.o
#3
I really liked this... Not much more to say really

Definitely stick with magazines in the chorus by the way.
#4
Quote by EstyvioseSequel
it's kool, dunno what it has to do with florida, but titles aren't that important. . . . i reele like chorus. . especialy the lines "If tonight is the last night I'll see you Then let me always haunt your dreams" awesome imagery there. . . . i can see how it is about someone leaving. . going far away and how u don't want them to. . it's amazing work, three way vocals would kik ass in this too. . . and about the magazine part it sounds kool like that
great song would long to hear it set to music. . . .
crit mine when u got time ---->> What Mirrors Do Not Show


Thanks a lot, I'll get to it.

Edit: I'm re-writing the verses, expect an edit tomorrow or Sunday.
Last edited by Retribution at Aug 25, 2006,
#5
I don't know why you're re-writing it, but I liked this version. Any reason for it?

Anwyays, yes, I really enjoyed this one, I liked the whole photo album thing in it, and it all tied together well and never wandered off-course. the tone was solid throughout, as was the flow, and the rhyming didn't feel awkward or forced.

Ha, I don't think I can find anything negative to say, I just felt this piece did everything right. Whilst not being an amazing, awe-inspiring piece of writing, it doesn't fail to impress and is the quality I expect from someone who only posts pieces they are proud of

I think my latest in my sig has had enough critiques, if it's easier you can wait til I have something new up- I believe you owe me one anyway :P
#6
Quote by Jammydude44
I don't know why you're re-writing it, but I liked this version. Any reason for it?

Anwyays, yes, I really enjoyed this one, I liked the whole photo album thing in it, and it all tied together well and never wandered off-course. the tone was solid throughout, as was the flow, and the rhyming didn't feel awkward or forced.

Ha, I don't think I can find anything negative to say, I just felt this piece did everything right. Whilst not being an amazing, awe-inspiring piece of writing, it doesn't fail to impress and is the quality I expect from someone who only posts pieces they are proud of

I think my latest in my sig has had enough critiques, if it's easier you can wait til I have something new up- I believe you owe me one anyway :P


I'm not completely re-writing, I'm just editing more(which is something I never do.). I'm just not happy with some of the stuff. It's been nothing but praised except from one person, but I just don't feel connected, especially at the beginning. If I write a song I need to mean and love every word I'll sing.
#8
i would stray away from using I in a song, just as in writing. Takes the listener out.
#9
Quote by chieftanec
i would stray away from using I in a song, just as in writing. Takes the listener out.


I was born in the U.S.A.

Point proven. Every band and songwriter I love uses/used "I" in songs, so I see no reason to stop. I'm not into story-based songs, I write personal stuff. If a listener can't figure out that it applies to them too, well then I don't want them listening.