#1
this is the first acoustic song i ever made its popish so...yea...lol

Everydays the same , not blame, but man everything goes away from me ..
Oh and the way the feelings crawl around..
Why do you gotta trust someone else..cause when you
Fell to a krutch, in the ground...The only person i found that will stay with you
Is your self..
Chourse one..
So..
Take a walk with me..
Take time with me...
Listen to my words i free..
Cause everything you see in me, is actually your self..

Verse 2:
Why , why, why,... do the angels make you cry..
Can we walk another guided water route..
Cause the rain suddenly burns deep in me..
Without a glance you run back to your mistake, cause everything you felt
In them is actually your self..

So..
Take a walk with me..
Take a look in me
Listen to the feelings i free..
Cause everything you see in me is actually your self..

Bridge..
Dont let them tell u how to be
cause everything you are.. and everything you see.
can be brought to you by your self..
Never let them take u down...
cause in your world u were the crown..
so maybe one day you will open your door, and realize your better off without
some one...

i had to take this song off cause i didnt know u could only post one song a day im sorry but yea..
Last edited by lester2215 at Aug 25, 2006,
#3
Quote by lester2215
this is the first acoustic song i ever made its popish so...yea...lol

Everydays the same , not blame, but man everything goes away from me ..
Oh and the way the feelings crawl around..
Why do you gotta trust someone else..cause when you
Fell to a krutch, in the ground...The only person i found that will stay with you
Not a bad way to start it off. The writing is pretty good, but Im not really sure about the rhythm, problt just me though. Nothing much else really that I can say here.
Is your self..
Chourse one..
So..
Take a walk with me..
Take time with me...
Listen to my words i free..
Cause everything you see in me, is actually your self..
The only thing here things were the word chourse (course?) and the secxond last line. That line sounds a bit awkward, although it works technically I guess, I just didnt like it.

Verse 2:
Why , why, why,... do the angels make you cry..
Can we walk another guided water route..
Cause the rain suddenly burns deep in me..
Without a glance you run back to your mistake, cause everything you felt
In them is actually your self..
This is my favorite part probly. The flow, the sound and the writing were all really good. I wouldnt change this.

So..
Take a walk with me..
Take a look in me
Listen to the feelings i free..
Cause everything you see in me is actually your self..

Bridge..
Dont let them tell u how to be
cause everything you are.. and everything you see.
can be brought to you by your self..
Never let them take u down...
cause in your world u were the crown..
so maybe one day you will open your door, and realize your better off without
some one...
Pretty good. To me it didnt seem especially conclusive, but it was still good. Again, the flow here sounded really good.

i had to take this song off cause i didnt know u could only post one song a day im sorry but yea..

Overall its really cool. It could be tweaked a bit, but I think it has some potential.
Crit my last song if you can (Untitled in my sig). Thanks.
#5
mey man, working on a full crit now, just thought id tell you.
And mind checking out mine? its the first link in my sig.
#7
Quote by lester2215
this is the first acoustic song i ever made its popish so...yea...lol

Everydays the same , not blame, but man everything goes away from me ..
Oh and the way the feelings crawl around..
Why do you gotta trust someone else..cause when you
Fell to a krutch, in the ground...The only person i found that will stay with you
Is your self..
Chourse one..
So..
Take a walk with me..
Take time with me...
Listen to my words i free..
Cause everything you see in me, is actually your self..
Hmmm, nice here, gots a good flow, i can see it as maybe a dashboard confessional song.

Verse 2:
Why , why, why,... do the angels make you cry..
Can we walk another guided water route..
Cause the rain suddenly burns deep in me..
Without a glance you run back to your mistake, cause everything you felt
In them is actually your self..
Nice here, emotion a plenty in this verse.

So..
Take a walk with me..
Take a look in me
Listen to the feelings i free..
Cause everything you see in me is actually your self..
Good job, good flow, catchy, and i think many people would be able to relate to this.

Bridge..
Dont let them tell u how to be
cause everything you are.. and everything you see.
can be brought to you by your self..
Never let them take u down...
cause in your world u were the crown..
so maybe one day you will open your door, and realize your better off without
some one...
Good bridge, it seems a ton like a dashboard confessional song in the bridge here.

i had to take this song off cause i didnt know u could only post one song a day im sorry but yea..


Final: Ok, youve got some good emotion in here, but i would really like to see you try to put in a few more metaphors like the burning rain. They would make this piece even better

Still hope you can check mine, first in my sig.
thx