#1
Crit for Crit
Hey everyone, this is my final piece in the series of songs im writing for The Soul Inside, if you havent read the others the links in my sig.

The mist rose early on that day in Spring
And we woke from dreams of a reality
That we never thought could really be
More than a wish that we would never see

We the innocent without a blemish or a stain
No memory of pain or fear of coming things
Unaware that we would have all of these
And never have to experience them again

The sun shined bright on that day in Summer
We ran through the pattering of soft rain
And gained ground on the distant nightmare
That was the very last one we'd have to see

We the ones that never felt a sense of loss
Had no cause for anything but happiness
Unaware we would never feel either of these
Or any other emotion ever again

Chorus:
We will never feel anything again
Except the presence of one another
Close enough to brush our hands lightly
But unable to clench them tightly
And as the rain falls from above
We'll watch the sky together
The soul inside like we always wanted
At peace at last as the seasons pass

The sun set down on that evening in Autumn
We cried together for the years we could have had
But were ruined by the the mistake of a lifetime
That we decided we would never see

We the ones who now felt a tearing grief
And wished that time would just rewind
Then stop so the past would never die
And never experience our pain again

Chorus

The chill is deep on a night in a distant Winter
And the life we killed before it started is walking slowly
Its feet making no mark on the new fallen snow
Passing between two headstones with fading letters
And the life knows that its brother is at rest here
The soul inside us that is at peace now as the seasons pass
Last edited by AAA_the_band at Aug 26, 2006,
#2
so this is the final song to your epic masterpiece the Soul Inside? May I say that this is a great way to close. I loved all of your other ones and this one is great as well. The writing is very poetic and beautiful. I really enjoyed reading it.

Crit mine please

Wisdom of the Lamb
Last edited by themarsvolta at Aug 26, 2006,
#3
Wow, this is great! You shouldn't be putting this stuff on here, you should be selling it! The line that grabbed me was

Close enough to brush our hands lightly
But unable to clench them tightly

That is a perfect way to say it.
I will have to read the others to fully understand the meaning of "we" throughout the song, but this is an excellent song. There really is nothing I can say to critcize, constructive or otherwise. You have a gift.

Please crit mine while I read your others. Thanks

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=421696
Light is faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Quote by Scott3229
if i wanted to get brain washed and then throw all my money away, id go to church


"I see, you've been blinded by what you believe" Sully Erna
#4
I dont know what to say besides that this is awesome. I havent read the other pieces in the series, but if they're like this its got to be great. The writing was really beautiful. Nothing I would change. Nice job.
#5
i really liked it. it made me really start to feel everything going on there. it seems to paint a picture of people. its like a song you can listen to over and over and still get the same feeling from. AWESOME!!!
#6
Unbeliveable..the whole song was amazing and awesome..
How long does it take u to make this?.you should sell this
#7
All I can say of my goodness. This is beautiful. I can't really crit it. There's nothing to crit about it. Two chorus' hey. I like the idea. How would the order of the song go? It's really nice. I guess you did this on purpose for sure, but I really liked the use of the different seasons. I haven't read any of your others, but I'm definantly going to now. Awsome. Thanks for showing us, it was great.
#8
over already?

The mist rose early on that day in Spring
And we woke from dreams of a reality
That we never thought could really be
More than a wish that we would never see hey i love this, relate to it, again

We the innocent without a blemish or a stain
No memory of pain or fear of coming things
Unaware that we would have all of these
And never have to experience them again wow, this is great, got nothing more to say.

The sun shined bright on that day in Summer
We ran through the pattering of soft rain
And gained ground on the distant nightmare
That was the very last one we'd have to see ok, i hate summer, man, anyways i didnt get the gaining ground line but liked the very last one line

We the ones that never felt a sense of loss
Had no cause for anything but happiness
Unaware we would never feel either of these
Or any other emotion ever again i like the little rhyme thing you do here and before

Chorus:
We will never feel anything again
Except the presence of one another
Close enough to brush our hands lightly awsome
But unable to clench them tightly wow
And as the rain falls from above
We'll watch the sky together
The soul inside like we always wanted
At peace at last as the seasons pass dude, ima cry (jk, of course... i think)

The sun set down on that evening in Autumn
We cried together for the years we could have had
But were ruined by the the mistake of a lifetime
That we decided we would never see good again, its winter next aint it?

We the ones who now felt a tearing grief
And wished that time would just rewind
Then stop so the past would never die
And never experience our pain again amazing so far man

Chorus

The chill is deep on a night in a distant Winter hey, winter aint cold
And the life we killed before it started is walking slowly
Its feet making no mark on the new fallen snow
Passing between two headstones with fading letters
And the life knows that its brother is at rest here
The soul inside us that is at peace now as the seasons pass good, i loved the whole thing, the ones befpre too and this one and... just amazing and beautifull, awsome job.

hey, crit mine? please? its in sig
#9
The mist rose early on that day in Spring
And we woke from dreams of a reality
That we never thought could really be
More than a wish that we would never see

Good, no complaints. A good introduction.

We the innocent without a blemish or a stain
No memory of pain or fear of coming things
Unaware that we would have all of these
And never have to experience them again

Great stanza, full of feeling. I like it.

The sun shined bright on that day in Summer
We ran through the pattering of soft rain
And gained ground on the distant nightmare
That was the very last one we'd have to see

Well worded and excellent imagery. It creates a picture for me.

We the ones that never felt a sense of loss
Had no cause for anything but happiness
Unaware we would never feel either of these
Or any other emotion ever again

Chorus:
We will never feel anything again
Except the presence of one another
Close enough to brush our hands lightly
But unable to clench them tightly Beautifully stated, brings a tear to the eye.
And as the rain falls from above
We'll watch the sky together
The soul inside like we always wanted
At peace at last as the seasons pass

Great wording, a very good chorus.

The sun set down on that evening in Autumn
We cried together for the years we could have had
But were ruined by the the mistake of a lifetime
That we decided we would never see

The last two lines are slightly confusing in wording. The rest of the stanza is fine, though.

We the ones who now felt a tearing grief
And wished that time would just rewind
Then stop so the past would never die
And never experience our pain again

Chorus

The chill is deep on a night in a distant Winter
And the life we killed before it started is walking slowly
Its feet making no mark on the new fallen snow
Passing between two headstones with fading letters
And the life knows that its brother is at rest here
The soul inside us that is at peace now as the seasons pass

Wow, man. A great ending to a great song.

This was a breathtaking piece. I really enjoyed reading it and I liked the way you used seasons as a metaphor/setting. Great work.
#10
S1, good imagery in setting up the piece, if not a little trite. why capitalize spring? maybe add a last line with a different rhyme scheme to help it flow into the next verse a bit better, it feels somewhat jilted and incomplete. not bad, just could flow a bit better there.

S2...i understand the "without a blemish or a stain" part of L1 sets up the nice internal rhyme in L2...but it's somewhat repetitive to say innocent without a blemish or a stain. innocent means without a blemish...and then to reword blemish as stain....you pretty much reiterate yourself three times in one line. again...it works for the poetic device you set up, so you might want to keep it (or at the least, re-work it somewhat), but from a "what are you saying with the nice words" stance, it's somewhat monotonous. Again, as in S1, the rhyme scheme you choose is almost limerick-y with the ABCA, and i'm not a big fan of it. it's a very awkward scheme to work with rhythmically, and you don't have any sort of metric footing established (and in fact often have an odd stressed-unstressed-stressed-stressed pattern develop in your first lines) which doesn't contribute to the flow either.

alright...on the rest of the piece (because i'm also getting repetitive)....

you have a decent command of imagery, but i feel like you need to work somewhat on the format you use to present your ideas. what you have here is good from a linguistic standpoint but fails to really hit home because you present it in a very formulaic (and really overdone) way. overdone in terms of....this has been done before. the emotions (down to the wa you convey them) are not done real justice because the piece is one that we've read before. take the emotions that went into this piece and rework them in a new, unique way.

also, especially for songwriting, it's very important to watch your rhythm. you tend to fall into trochaic patterns, which are very conversational and can be used to some effect in spoken-word pieces. however, they don't translate that well to songs....listen to most songs of lyrical quality (and in fact, even some that aren't), and you'll see an almost clock-like metrical footing that makes the words flow seamlessly from one to the other. part of the problem of the method of songwriting most used in this forum is that you type what sounds/reads well, but singing it is entirely different. a lot of the wordier lines that feature consecutive stressed syllables are basically taking your flow and slamming it into a brick wall. it's tough to do. really analyze your metrics until it's almost second nature to you to write a line in a particular cadence.

good work, especially on the imagery, just refocus it and pay attention to your form

--jay
#11
Quote by AAA_the_band
Crit for Crit
Hey everyone, this is my final piece in the series of songs im writing for The Soul Inside, if you havent read the others the links in my sig.

The mist rose early on that day in Spring
And we woke from dreams of a reality
That we never thought could really be
More than a wish that we would never see

Solid start, even if you had overly-sinple rhyming words.

We the innocent without a blemish or a stain
No memory of pain or fear of coming things
Unaware that we would have all of these
And never have to experience them again

Nice turning around of "things to come", that shows you're begining to think about your wriitng and improving.

The sun shined bright on that day in Summer
We ran through the pattering of soft rain
And gained ground on the distant nightmare
That was the very last one we'd have to see

Soft rain/Summer, I think you should have kept it as a hot day, no rain. Once more, I'm pretty impressed by your growth as a writer over these pieces, alliteration and assonance here shw your adding more techniques into your pieces.

We the ones that never felt a sense of loss
Had no cause for anything but happiness
Unaware we would never feel either of these
Or any other emotion ever again

would maybe like to see a metaphor or two more though, just to avoid the risk of sounding cliche and dull.

Chorus:
We will never feel anything again
Except the presence of one another
Close enough to brush our hands lightly
But unable to clench them tightly
And as the rain falls from above
We'll watch the sky together
The soul inside like we always wanted
At peace at last as the seasons pass

Brings together your pieces well.

The sun set down on that evening in Autumn
We cried together for the years we could have had
But were ruined by the the mistake of a lifetime
That we decided we would never see

We the ones who now felt a tearing grief
And wished that time would just rewind
Then stop so the past would never die
And never experience our pain again

Solid but unspectacular here, which does seem to be a forte of yours. Like I said, metaphor could help to liven this up, but I don't think you want to overdo it.

Chorus

The chill is deep on a night in a distant Winter
And the life we killed before it started is walking slowly
Its feet making no mark on the new fallen snow
Passing between two headstones with fading letters
And the life knows that its brother is at rest here
The soul inside us that is at peace now as the seasons pass

Solid once more. You've vastly improved you're imagery, that's for sure.


Certainly not the greatest pieces of writing in the world, but it's exactly what you were going for and you've done what you wanted with these four parts, so congrats.

Jamie
#12
haha like most all i can say is wow. that ending is great and the whole thing is a masterpiece. i'd love to hear it in music or anything like that you could make millions
SINCERELY WRITTEN FROM MY BROTHERS BLOOD MACHINE, MAN YOURE BATTLES STATIONS, WE'LL HAVE YOU DEAD PRETTY SOON

Coheed and Cambria: In Keeping Secrets Of Silent Earth 3
#13
thx everyone, especially jamie and phoebus.

The thing is, ive got another piece that fits in with this series, but i know i said this is the end, also, the piece i havent submitted is more of a journal entry, and the writing isn't exactly good or anything, its got more raw emotion than anything else really, and i dont really know if i want to post it...
#14
Wow. Really nice. Great writing. I like this piece.

Solid song, a bit of some parts are weak, but then, some parts are strong, making up for any issues.

Mind checking mine? Its in my sig.
Quote by MoogleRancha
It's like Fenriz and J. Read

"I'm so happy to love metal and stuff"

"I AM metal"