#1
I was feeling nervous scared that day.
I?m glad you thought my singing was okay.
I was playing in my band,
Ask for help, and I'll lend you a hand.

I?ll never forget you. (Never forget you)
You?re someone I?ll hold onto. (I?ll hold onto)
And even though you said we?re friends
I?ll think of you as more, until the end.

If you are ever in desperate need
I?ll pick you over the slightest of greed.
I?ll lend you a hand of mine
Then everything will be fine

I?ll never forget you. (Never forget you)
You?re someone I?ll hold onto. (I?ll hold onto)
And even though you said we?re friends
I?ll think of you as more, until the end.

You said you don?t like the silences
When we?re on the phone
I only don?t talk, ?cause I don?t wanna be alone
I?m just scared, that you won?t think of me this way
I tend to worry, ?cause I think about you every day

I?ll never forget you. (Never forget you)
You?re someone I?ll hold onto. (I?ll hold onto)
And even though you said we?re friends
I?ll think of you as more, until the end.
Until the end...
Until the end...

Crit for Crit
ok, yeah. my name is silly because I signed up when I was 13.

BEDBUGS
Last edited by ratmblink123 at Aug 26, 2006,
#2
I thought that these were mediocre. They have their good moments and their bad moments. Overall, they are very cliche. Not neccesarily a complaint, but they weren't worded well enough to make up for that.


I was playing in my band,
Hope you thought it was grand

If you ever need a lot of help
I?ll respond to the slightest yelp


These are just a couple of the lines that I think sound forced. You should really rewrite the entire thing, or at least these lines, because the rhyme sounds so forced using weak words like "grand" and "yelp." There are better ways to express what you're trying to say, but without being cliche or using forced rhyme.

And even though you said we?re friends
I?ll think of you as more, until the end.


I really liked this part, even though it is cliche. It's the best two lines in your lyrics, IMO.

What you have so far is a good starting point but you need to rewrite these and maybe expand on them, because they are simple and cliche, and the rhymes in some places are very forced.

Can you please crit one from my sig?