#1
Ok, I just edited this, so check it out.

Just a little something Ive been working on over the past couple days. Needs a name. Any suggestions or opinions would be appreciated. Crit for crit and what not. Gracias.

I locked myself away.
I found myself in shambles
And necessity provoked me
To invent myself an angel.
I probly should feel lucky
But Im not the kind of person
To write my own life's sentence
Based on fates inverted version.

I practice processed preaching
For the masses protocol.
I dont know what denial is
But its built into the wall.

Taken from the legend
You cant drink straight from the vine,
Thats why my thoughts were fathered
In a place outside my mind.
Names of words would be forgotten
Cause their contexts seemed too foreign.
As the dam was going under
They would serve as our diversion.

I practice processed preaching
For the masses protocol.
I dont know what denial is
But its built into the wall.

In my final glimpse of light
In the smoldring bits of ash,
As I'm running out of future
Will I see a wasted past?

I might add more to this, depending on what kind of feedback I get. Any comments?
Last edited by sjada at Aug 30, 2006,
#3
Quote by sjada
Just a little something Ive been working on over the past couple days. Needs a name. Any suggestions or opinions would be appreciated. Crit for crit and what not. Gracias.

I locked myself away.
I found myself in shambles
And necessity provoked me
To invent myself an angel.
Good Opening here, but the third line seems to interuppt the flow a bit, maybe take or change "necessity".
I probly should feel lucky
But Im not the kind of person
To write y own life sentence
Based on someone elses version.
Nice here again, maybe a few grammar things, it is life's sentence not life sentence.
I practice processed preaching
For the masses protocol.
I dont know what denial is
As I beat against the wall.
The last line here seems a bit forces so it rhymes, but the alliteration in the firstline is great.
Taken from the legend
You cant drink straight from the vine,
Thats why my thoughts were fathered
In a place outside my mind.
Good here too, but it doesnt really sum it all up, "a place outside my mind" leaves you wondering what it is instead of explaining the whole thing.

So, I'll probly add to thins and then split it into verses (either 4 or 8 lines). Any comments?


I think you could make this a great piece with a little tweaking.

Check out mine? the links the first one in my sig
thx
#4
Thanks. It wasnt meant to be finished yet so I'll make it more conclusive then, but thanks for the crit.
#6
i thought the ending was perfect. it was very interesting and thought provocing (which is awesome) anyway i have no edits for you because i wouldnt change it. it seems philisphical, and more acoustic sound to it. anyway good job.
#8
Quote by sjada
Ok, I just edited this, so check it out.

Just a little something Ive been working on over the past couple days. Needs a name. Any suggestions or opinions would be appreciated. Crit for crit and what not. Gracias.

I locked myself away.
I found myself in shambles
And necessity provoked me
To invent myself an angel.
I probly should feel lucky
But Im not the kind of person
To write y own life's sentence
Based on fate's inverted version.

Probably! and both life and fate dont need the apostrophe its just lifes/fates. This is a pretty gd opening, it flows well and the content isn't too shabby either. But where you fail is the half-assed use of grammar, either use it or dont, preferrably use it, by using it you can manipulate so many factors, from the tempo, to the importance of certain words by spliting them between commas. This brings me to your presentation, if you want to be taken seriously then at least proof read before you post, spell check it too, I take it the "y" is meant to mean "my" You know these simple things are just lazy. This piece of work is a small piece of you, if you're lazy I'm not gonna want to crit your piece.

I practice processed preaching
For the masses protocol.
I dont know what denial is
As I beat against the wall.

I liked the alliteration in the L1 and L2, flowed well. And the final is well, a let down, beat what? it makes no sense, either scrap it or fix it.

Taken from the legend
You cant drink straight from the vine,
Thats why my thoughts were fathered
In a place outside my mind.
Names of words would be forgotten
Cause their contexts seemed too foreign.
As the dam was going under
They would serve as our diversion.

This is an excellent stanza, very well constructed, from the subtle rhymes of "forgotten/foreign" and the dam image is perfectly complimented by the choice of "diversion" Theres nothing to pick apart in this stanza, its nicely done. Keep this standard up, work on your pieces until you hit upon stanzas like this.

In my final glimpse of light
In the smoldring bits of ash,
As I'm running out of future
Will I see a wasted past?

Bits was a poor word choice here, just felt thrown in, without any careful thought. As for this being the ending, I think it works, it rounds the piece off well. Theres not much to say, except I see talent here, you just need to take more time and pride in your work.

I might add more to this, depending on what kind of feedback I get. Any comments?



peACE
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#10
First of all thanks for the crit. I thought that this was a very good song. I would leave it as is. I really don't see anything wrong with it. Keep up the good work. And for title you could use, "Sermon of a Plastic Preach". Just a suggestion
#11
Thanks for the crits you guys
To The Hurt Within: I spelled it probly on purpose because thats how its meant to be sung (to take out the syllable). If you noticed, it did the same with smoldering. I'll fix some of those grammar things by the way.
To themarsvolta: Why Sermon of the Plastic Preach? I used "processed" in the chorus so maybe you meant that. Sounds cool though
#12
firstly, thanks for your review

I locked myself away.
I found myself in shambles
And necessity provoked me
To invent myself an angel.
I probly should feel lucky
But Im not the kind of person
To write my own life's sentence
Based on fates inverted version.


i like this. it's meaningful. i love the rhyme's you've made. they're unique - good job. this flows like doll, so once again compliments from me . nothing to be improved here


I practice processed preaching
For the masses protocol.
I dont know what denial is
As I beat against the wall.


its powerful and catchy. simple, and raw. great. i like your use of words throughtout the piece aswell. i like your rhymes too (i know i mentioned it b4 but, they are really good, and unique). nothing to be edited - great job mate

Taken from the legend
You cant drink straight from the vine,
Thats why my thoughts were fathered
In a place outside my mind.
Names of words would be forgotten
Cause their contexts seemed too foreign.
As the dam was going under
They would serve as our diversion.


i can't even describe why i like this. excellent flow, good metaphors, good vocabulary....everything's good. what mroe can i say?


I practice processed preaching
For the masses protocol.
I dont know what denial is
As I beat against the wall.


reviewed

In my final glimpse of light
In the smoldring bits of ash,
As I'm running out of future
Will I see a wasted past?


nicely ended


in conclusion, i'd like to say that this song is flawless. i like the lyrics. all you need is a good tune, and maybe...you'll get somewhere

one of the best ive seen here so far...

9/10

ps. thanks for your review
#13
i thought it was good i liked the ending crit one of mine its called hollow halls and shallow valves i just edited it
#14
Ok, thanks guys. Scarcity, I'll get to that when I get the chance. Thanks again.
#15
this was pretty awesome. there are some grammar mistakes and i think there could have been a few instances where a little more in depth vocab could have helped. and as for the title. i like "Inventing an Angel". It just sounds cool to me.
#16
Quote by sjada
Ok, I just edited this, so check it out.

Just a little something Ive been working on over the past couple days. Needs a name. Any suggestions or opinions would be appreciated. Crit for crit and what not. Gracias.

I locked myself away.
I found myself in shambles
And necessity provoked me
To invent myself an angel.
Hey, thanks for the crit. Here's mine: I really like these first lines, really awesome rhyme. Near rhymes are so much cooler in my opinion than exact rhymes. Nice.
I probly should feel lucky
But Im not the kind of person
To write my own life's sentence
Based on fates inverted version.
I like this too, but the last two lines seem kind of a tongue-twister. Just awkward to get your mouth around.

I practice processed preaching
For the masses protocol.
I dont know what denial is
As I beat against the wall.
I like this. Alliteration is cool and I enjoy that first line especially. Nothing to change in my opinion for this part.

Taken from the legend
You cant drink straight from the vine,
Thats why my thoughts were fathered
In a place outside my mind.
Cool. That second line almost feels like it has too many syllables, but it seems to work itself out properly.
Names of words would be forgotten
Cause their contexts seemed too foreign.
As the dam was going under
They would serve as our diversion.
Nothing to add here. Classy.

I practice processed preaching
For the masses protocol.
I dont know what denial is
As I beat against the wall.

In my final glimpse of light
In the smoldring bits of ash,
As I'm running out of future
Will I see a wasted past?
I like the first two lines, but I think maybe it should be twice as long, with a little more development before you ask the question.


Nice man, thanks again for my crit.
Good job, Cheers
- PunkFish
#17
hey thats sort of the same thing I was writing about on my "Soul Cell"..
only I believe yours is much better worded.. mine is ment to be more of an instrumental type thing but whatever.

only thing I slightly have a problem with.. and thats -slightly-, is "I dont know what denial is
As I beat against the wall."
it just feels a tad out of place.. or a little off the subject maybe IMO, but its your song... Im no expert anyway lol..

suggestion for title:
"Fathered Thoughts"
#19
The ABAB rhyming is just so simple and beautiful i think, while the language is quite rich.
I liked all of it, and no crits at all, what music are planning to put on?
About the title, i think you must decide as i think we might interpret the song differently than you do, but uummm, maybe i would say "Processed preaching" ? as u repeat it in the chorus for several times and imo it suits the song overall.
#20
Thanks guys. As for music in this, Im in a band that doesmostly hard rock and metal, but I was thinking kind of like a blues rock thing for some reason, I play drums so my band would have a lot of say in that. We're still just a bunch of lazy kids jamming for the most part though.
For the title, I was thinking either that or "Wasted Past", but Processed Preaching fits the general point of the song better and is in the chorus, so I'll probly call it that if I dont think of anything better.
Thanks again for the crits.