#1
:this is my first song that is written with any meaning behind it, and thusly i think it is my best. But who knows:

my life is drab and boring and
she calls me late at night again
we talk about the ones weve done
she crys for movies every single one

now what does it take to
look you in the eye
its so hard to ever find the time
i miss the long call
the worthless memory
i hope we meet soon
cause this is not made out for me

when is there ever
a person who trys
to make all of their appointments
i know its not true
but ill agree with you
ill let this slip
if i get to sleep with you

she says remember
i say its too long
i ask a question
that i regret from the start
maybe she will hear me
when i lean out my window
maybe its the question
are you still a widow?

when is there ever
a person who trys
to make all of their appointments
i miss the lost call
the worthless memory
i hope we meet soon
cause this is not what i want it to be.
#2
Ok, Ill not mention the multitude of spelling and grammar mistakes, other than "thusly". No such word mate.

Sorry, but it doesnt really get much better from there. I really did not like this song for a few reasons. Firstly you have no continuity, I mean you go from "ones that you've done" to crying to movies. If there is any proper plot (of which I could find none) its very loosely stung together with simple words and unimaginative phrases.

Mate, you really need to review this piece, or ignore it altogether. It really does not help to exclude any punctuation at all.

Quote by Robbie n strat
In the changing rooms we'd all jump around so our dicks and balls bounced all over the place, which we found hilarious.



Little children should be felt, not heard.
#3
my life is drab and boring and
she calls me late at night again
we talk about the ones weve done
she crys for movies every single one


put some punctuation. it took me ages to figure out the last line. uh i guess it's kind of shabby, sorry man.

now what does it take to
look you in the eye
its so hard to ever find the time
i miss the long call
the worthless memory
i hope we meet soon
cause this is not made out for me


why i like it- irregular rhyming pattern
why i don't like it - bad grammar, lack of sense....or is it punctuation?

when is there ever
a person who trys
to make all of their appointments
i know its not true
but ill agree with you
ill let this slip
if i get to sleep with you


this is....ugh...i dont know, just looks kind of too loose. make patterns, make up a rhytm, make all your verses the same pattern. and yeah, its spelt 'tries' not 'trys'. did you take this out of a hat or something?

she says remember
i say its too long
i ask a question
that i regret from the start
maybe she will hear me
when i lean out my window
maybe its the question
are you still a widow?


this one, is probably the only stanza that is o.k standard. the last line...fix it

when is there ever
a person who trys
to make all of their appointments
i miss the lost call
the worthless memory
i hope we meet soon
cause this is not what i want it to be.



ok i looked at it before, but when its the chorus, you want raw emotion. you want it clean. you want it well organized, because this is one of the most important bit of a song. it doens't make sense to me. make it more simple.


overall, i'd like to say that this song is all over the place, it doens't have a particular subject. it should have an introduction, or a story, while this is just...going from a middle of a point to middle of another, you know what i mean?

3/10
#4
Yeah, about the punctuation and spelling. I wrote it while sick and after a really bad day, so i might fix that later. Now after actually looking it over I see that it really did suck. Compared to some of my other stuff its, completely awful. But I might rework it some time, it still has a lot of meaning to me.