#1
crit4crit

WISDOM OF THE LAMB

Came upon an oasis in the desert sand
It was the hidden Eden of the barren land
A voice of thunder cried, " I am who I am
Follow the Prophet who leads you by the hand"

I asked the Prophet to show me the things he sees
He handed me the book, but the pages I could not read
I was blind to the writing because I did not believe
But in time it was all revealed to me

Entered the throne room of the one who rules above
It was a chamber lit by an undying love
And I heard a melodic chant in an ancient tongue
The elders and angels sang a song of praise for the Son

As I gave my offering to the Paschal lamb
He whispered truths my mortal ears could not understand
He shined light upon the reasons for God?s plan
The wisdom that had been veiled from the eyes of man

For far too long the flock has been deceived
And God has let Satan pull too many strings
I asked why and He said that?s how it had to be
Before the triumphant return of the king of kings

The words of the prophets came down as a dove
Revealing the truths the lamb had been speaking of
On this day the living and the dead were judged
And the reign of the kingdom of Heaven would come
Last edited by themarsvolta at Aug 26, 2006,
#2
i like the christianity thrown in there, its there but not in your face (like some can be ( i am a christian so i loved seeing people put their faith out there)) anyway what is " Paschal lamb" i was a little confused about that. there than that the rhyming was cool at first but it kinda got predictable (not that its a bad thing) but i started to expect each stanza's line to rhyme with each other. anyway overall i thought it was a good write. Good job
#3
hmmm I'm a Christian as well. However, I personally don't like songs like this too much, but that's personal preference of course.

As for the actual writing, it was good. Nice, consistant flow to everything. I had a bit of a theological disagreement with a little part, but whatever.

Overall, this was well done.
#5
Sorry I'm not full critting this, I put alot into the last one, and got a meagre reply. But what I can say is that this is far better, you've explored the ideas far better, developed flow and created a steady progressing narrative. Both diction and structure were pretty good too. See this is what I expected from you, you can do it, now my advice to you is; start changing your style, try out different rhyme schemes, varying length stanzas, hell, go for a totally different topic. You're here to learn, and no-one should be settled into a "style" yet, you should be trying your hand at everything, next try writing a sonnet or something. I hope I dont see another 4x4 structured piece.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#6
Nice song. This kind of structure tends to get boring but I think the fact that you've kept the rhythm flowing well and have some good sounds to your writing will help there. Its solid to say the least and I really liked the sound coming from those rhymes and such. I have to say, I got somewhat lost in the flow of the words and kind of missed what it was about (I do that a lot) but it seems like a pretty solid song. Nice job.
Crit my peice if you want (Untitled in my sig). Thanks.