#1
I've written and rewritten this song several times, and I've decided that this will be my last try at making it decent. Tell me what ya'll think of it.


The Sea and the Sky

The storm clouds murmur dark and black
As they draw near to the earth below
Then softly they sing their lament
A song of long-forsaken love

Long ago the sky loved the sea
And whispered sweet love songs in the breeze
But the blue sea loved another
So now the sky weeps bitterly

The sky?s tear-stained cheeks are bent low
As the falling tears turn the fields to mire
The wind weeps in a mourning tune
As she moans with rolling thunder

The sky reaches to the brown earth
With fingers of lightning from above
But in a moment it disappears
A flick?ring bridge to the heavens

And then I remember a girl
Whose eyes are like a cold spring rain
From long ago and far away
So far away from my home

Now the storms are clearing away
The sad sky?s tears have ceased to fall
But it still rains in that sad girl?s eyes
And I don?t know the reason why
#2
Quote by doctor_rocker
I've written and rewritten this song several times, and I've decided that this will be my last try at making it decent. Tell me what ya'll think of it.


The Sea and the Sky

The storm clouds murmur dark and black
As they draw near to the earth below
Then softly they sing their lament
A song of long-forsaken love
Good opening, leaves alot of possibilities open,

Long ago the sky loved the sea
And whispered sweet love songs in the breeze
But the blue sea loved another
So now the sky weeps bitterly
Hmmm, pretty good, but ive seen the sky and sea cliche a bit too much for my liking, also the third line about the blue sea should be changed because sea was used earlier in the line and makes it seem bland.

The sky?s tear-stained cheeks are bent low
As the falling tears turn the fields to mire
The wind weeps in a mourning tune
As she moans with rolling thunder
Good Metaphor here, i like how youve assosiated tears with rain and the sky and the rest.

The sky reaches to the brown earth
With fingers of lightning from above
But in a moment it disappears
A flick?ring bridge to the heavens
good here too, i like the continuing metaphor of the sky and how youve assosiated the weather and rain and all to a grievance.

And then I remember a girl
Whose eyes are like a cold spring rain
From long ago and far away
So far away from my home
Hmmm, this has good flow, but i think you should have stuck with the mnetaphor, it kind of iterupts the flow of the song/poem.

Now the storms are clearing away
The sad sky?s tears have ceased to fall
But it still rains in that sad girl?s eyes
And I don?t know the reason why
Good here, the girl part was pretty good, if a little cliche, now i see why you put that previous line.


Overall, very good, cant say much else, not a masterpiece but good.

if you can check, its the first link in my sig
thx and good job
#3
^ actually, I don't think I've ever really heard the sky/sea cliche... If I understand what you mean. Thanks though.
#4
I love the metaphor you used through the song. This piece was very orginal and in my opinion. (I've never seen the sky and sea metaphor before either). The flow was very good as well. Nice jon.

Crit mine please

Wisdom of the Lamb
#5
My main compliant with this, is the constant repitition of "sea" and "sky" I mean I understand these are the primary vectors, but they are repeated to death almost, try ocean and atmosphere, blue blankets anything. Name them his and hers if you will. To be honest with you, yes this is a good idea, but theres fundamental things that fail it. Like your diction, theres many repeats throughout this piece, song/away/rain all you need to do is take a tiny bit more time trying to repeat yourself so much. Also bung some basic Grammar in there too, you can guide the reader through it, at a pace you want, just experiment more with structure.

Dont take this harshly, but you shouldn't be so caught up with making one piece perfect, the only way to write the perfect piece is to practice, by all means touch up the finished product, but dont dwell so long on a single piece.

peACE
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.