#1
crit 4 crit....wanta know what you think...

I swear you said that
Only to bring back my memories of you
All those things you used to say
If only you knew

I wish I could draw you a picture
Of what I feel right now
Im digging myself in deeper
Please help me


So just say things that you used to say
That make me miss you more
with every passing day
and paint a picture on my heart
so I can never forget

Its crazy how you make me feel inside
Like no one else can
I still want you by my side
To hold my hand

I made a mistake
That im not sure you can forgive
Please don’t tell me that its too late
Please, lets just go back and forget
Forget that I said “its over”

Im so so sorry
That I did those things
Please forgive me
Do you miss me?
Miss me like I miss you?
Take me back, you wont regret it
Please please take me back

So just say things that you used to say
That make me miss you more
with every passing day
and paint a picture on my heart
so I can never forget

Please take me back!
With out you
Im a train off the tracks
A knife without an edge
A guitar with no strings
Blood without the color red
A kindom with no king
All because of the things I said….

So just say things that you used to say
That make me miss you more
with every passing day
and paint a picture on my heart
so I can never forget
UG's HIPPIE
Last edited by ~G{}{}BER~ at Sep 3, 2006,
#3
Please take me back!
With out you
Im a train off the tracks
A knife without an edge
A guitar with no strings
Blood without the color red
A kindom with no king
All because of the things I said?.


strongest part, the rest is a tad repetative(for example you say please about a billion times) and a little wussy. i think you could cut a lot of it and it would be really good.
ICE
CREAM
IS
GONNA
SAVE
THE
DAY
...AGAIN
#4
Quote by ~G{}{}BER~
crit 4 crit....wanta know what you think...

I swear you said that
Only to bring back my memories of you
All those things you used to say
If only you knew
Vague...I like it, good opener, but a little bland at the same time.

I wish I could draw you a picture
Of what I feel right now
Im digging myself in deeper
Please help me
Good again, but i think you are a little TOO bland here if you know what i mean, the first was fine, but if you keep on not explaining anything this piece will suck

Im so so sorry
That I did those things
Please forgive me
Do you miss me?
Miss me like I miss you?
Take me back, you wont regret it
Please please take me back
Good here i guess, but you use the word "me" too much, makes it unintersting.

So just say things that you used to say
That make me miss you more
with every passing day
and paint a picture on my heart
so I can never forget
Good here, but the "paint the picture" thing has been used alot.

Its crazy how you make me feel inside
Like no one else can
I still want you by my side
To hold my hand
Good

I made a mistake
That im not sure you can forgive
Please don?t tell me that its too late
Please, lets just go back and forget
Forget that I said ?its over?
Cliche police are running you over here, this sentiment has been used this way so many times it isnt even funny

Im so so sorry
That I did those things
Please forgive me
Do you miss me?
Miss me like I miss you?
Take me back, you wont regret it
Please please take me back

So just say things that you used to say
That make me miss you more
with every passing day
and paint a picture on my heart
so I can never forget

Please take me back!
With out you
Im a train off the tracks
A knife without an edge
A guitar with no strings
Blood without the color red
A kindom with no king
All because of the things I said?.
Excelente

So just say things that you used to say
That make me miss you more
with every passing day
and paint a picture on my heart
so I can never forget


Good overall, a bit bland and cliche at some points but overall good.

Still hope you can get mine, first in my sig.
thx
#6
Quote by ~G{}{}BER~
crit 4 crit....wanta know what you think...

I swear you said that
Only to bring back my memories of you
All those things you used to say
If only you knew

i like the opening. feels like it needs a lil somethin somethin but it sounds fine now.

I wish I could draw you a picture
Of what I feel right now
Im digging myself in deeper
Please help me

ooo hehe i love the third line... my fave lol. i like this stanza a lot. nothing to change here.

Im so so sorry
That I did those things
Please forgive me
Do you miss me?
Miss me like I miss you?
Take me back, you wont regret it
Please please take me back

this is a good idea and since i know what this is about and all then i think it goes well with the song or whatever.....but...it does not flow well to me, and it sounds choppy. it goes with the subject and all but it does not fit well there. if u know wat i mean

So just say things that you used to say
That make me miss you more
with every passing day
and paint a picture on my heart
so I can never forget

awe. i like this a lot. i can not think of anything to change here. i kinda feel like it needs something at the end with so i can never forget, but i dunno why. ha. i just heard something coming after it in my mind.... anyways this whle stanza is amazing and beautiful

Its crazy how you make me feel inside
Like no one else can
I still want you by my side
To hold my hand

k. this is really.... over used. it is good and goes well with the whole song and everything, but.....i just know u could do better. u know? u are an amazing writer and u could come up with a different and more creative way to put that so that it sounds more original

I made a mistake
That im not sure you can forgive
Please don?t tell me that its too late
Please, lets just go back and forget
Forget that I said ?its over?


yeah.. i like it. nothing bad here
Im so so sorry
That I did those things
Please forgive me
Do you miss me?
Miss me like I miss you?
Take me back, you wont regret it
Please please take me back


So just say things that you used to say
That make me miss you more
with every passing day
and paint a picture on my heart
so I can never forget


Please take me back!
With out you
Im a train off the tracks
A knife without an edge
A guitar with no strings
Blood without the color red
A kindom with no king
All because of the things I said?.

LOVE LOVE LOVE this part

So just say things that you used to say
That make me miss you more
with every passing day
and paint a picture on my heart
so I can never forget



I love it babe. this is a great song and im sry u are going through this:'(... i am here though hehe. ok anyways... this is wonderful. i left a loooong crit and told u the VERY FEW things i didnt like ha... well ttyl. and goooood job. 8/10

MUAH
Keri
#7
Quote by ~G{}{}BER~
crit 4 crit....wanta know what you think...

I swear you said that
Only to bring back my memories of you
All those things you used to say
If only you knew

I wish I could draw you a picture
Of what I feel right now
Im digging myself in deeper
Please help me

Im so so sorry
That I did those things
Please forgive me
Do you miss me?
Miss me like I miss you?
Take me back, you wont regret it
Please please take me back

So just say things that you used to say
That make me miss you more
with every passing day
and paint a picture on my heart
so I can never forget

Its crazy how you make me feel inside
Like no one else can
I still want you by my side
To hold my hand

I made a mistake
That im not sure you can forgive
Please don’t tell me that its too late
Please, lets just go back and forget
Forget that I said “its over”

Im so so sorry
That I did those things
Please forgive me
Do you miss me?
Miss me like I miss you?
Take me back, you wont regret it
Please please take me back

So just say things that you used to say
That make me miss you more
with every passing day
and paint a picture on my heart
so I can never forget

Please take me back!
With out you
Im a train off the tracks
A knife without an edge
A guitar with no strings
Blood without the color red
A kindom with no king
All because of the things I said….

I like this part, expect the Please take me back! Becuase you used that a lot. I like the rest very catchy..but then the part that says "a guitar without strings" umm have you ever taken an oline test and its like which doesn't belong here?..Well I kinda feel like "a guitar without strings" doesn't belong. But I like the fact that you used something music oriented. So maybe "A music box without music" or whatever.

So just say things that you used to say
That make me miss you more
with every passing day
and paint a picture on my heart
so I can never forget
I feel like theres something missing like one last line to tie it up nicely.


Either then that it's done nicely. And I really liked it
#8
thanks peeps glad you liked it =) thanks for the crit
i'll hit you back with some on your songs when i have time (but you gotta remind me lol)

peace out
UG's HIPPIE
#9
i hope im not too late on the return, but uve snyways gotten plenty of crits and suggestions, pretty good song though, not bad... work on it just a little man, but still great job...