#1
Off the dome:

Now see ya'all done slipped up and made it a murder scene// My rhymes are on fire like I lit a match and dipped 'em in kerosene// Empty out all my rhymes and then reload with a full clip// Dangerous when I take these lyrics and shoot from the hip// It's some Quickdraw McGraw ****// See what I did, slowed the flow down a bit// This flow is smooth, it's energy is kinetic// Am I speaking too fast? Let me spell it out, phoenetic// I've been rapping since young niggas played with toys// And I still do it, while you take pipes and put some rock wit it like Dem Franchise Boyz// D4L, are you a rap group or a get rich quick ploy?// You had your hit, now shut up and take a seat// Cause noone wants to hear rhymes about candy over Ms. Pacman beats// T.I got his trap musick// these boys got their snap music// But I try to keep it simple with this straight up rap music// I see your face getting red boy, just cool it// Before I act a fool like Ludacris and just lose it// I don't just use this skill, I abuse it// Like heroin, I get you intravenously with this music//

....So yeah, this as off-the-top-of-my-head as I can make a written freestyle, which is to say I pretty much wrote what came to my head and I am not going back and touching anything up like I would with a real piece. I realize a lot of these lines are long, but it's meant for a flow like Eminem's earlier stuff (Bad Meets Evil, Kill You, most of his stuff of the Slim Shady LP)

Please no messages about how you hate rap music, I don't care if you do I'm not trying to spark an argument. I'm willing to do crit for crit if you have a link in your sig or you post one in your reply. Thanks.
Comin' straight out of Compton, with a loose cannon. Smoke big green, call it Bruce Banner.

"Hey son, how many girls called you today? Zero? Oh and how about yesterday? Uh... Zero? Well son, you know what they say. Zero plus zero equals FAG."
#2
Quote by HelpImARock
Off the dome:

Now see ya'all done slipped up and made it a murder scene// My rhymes are on fire like I lit a match and dipped 'em in kerosene// Empty out all my rhymes and then reload with a full clip// Dangerous when I take these lyrics and shoot from the hip// It's some Quickdraw McGraw ****// See what I did, slowed the flow down a bit// This flow is smooth, it's energy is kinetic// Am I speaking too fast? Let me spell it out, phoenetic// I've been rapping since young niggas played with toys// And I still do it, while you take pipes and put some rock wit it like Dem Franchise Boyz// D4L, are you a rap group or a get rich quick ploy?// You had your hit, now shut up and take a seat// Cause noone wants to hear rhymes about candy over Ms. Pacman beats// T.I got his trap musick// these boys got their snap music// But I try to keep it simple with this straight up rap music// I see your face getting red boy, just cool it// Before I act a fool like Ludacris and just lose it// I don't just use this skill, I abuse it// Like heroin, I get you intravenously with this music//

....So yeah, this as off-the-top-of-my-head as I can make a written freestyle, which is to say I pretty much wrote what came to my head and I am not going back and touching anything up like I would with a real piece. I realize a lot of these lines are long, but it's meant for a flow like Eminem's earlier stuff (Bad Meets Evil, Kill You, most of his stuff of the Slim Shady LP)

Please no messages about how you hate rap music, I don't care if you do I'm not trying to spark an argument. I'm willing to do crit for crit if you have a link in your sig or you post one in your reply. Thanks.


Ummm......this is a guitar site, not a pile of filth site.
Ibanez SA160 electric

Old Ventura Classical
#3
using lines like "my rhymes"is really cliche and can lead people to put you in the same grouping as the mainstream garbage people are currently being subjected to. i'm not going to make some narrowminded comment about how terrible rap is because i quite enjoy it if it's done properly. write with intelligence, don't just use a line like that because it fills up space and rhymes with something.
#4
Quote by ClyWbr41
Ummm......this is a guitar site, not a pile of filth site.


Ummm...this is a songwriting and lyrics forum, and you're an asshole. Now that we've got everything so clearly defined...

I thought this was pretty good for a freestyle, but I agree with the other guy, some of the stuff in here was a little cliché. It's hard not to be sometimes though, especially when you're just writing off the top of your head. I don't listen to much rap, but why should that matter? You should post some of your non-freestyle stuff (if you have any). Keep it up man.
Last edited by AmishPhonebooks at Aug 27, 2006,
#5
i agree with amish just keep writing or freestyling man do what ever makes you feel
#6
Quote by selloutpunx
using lines like "my rhymes"is really cliche and can lead people to put you in the same grouping as the mainstream garbage people are currently being subjected to. i'm not going to make some narrowminded comment about how terrible rap is because i quite enjoy it if it's done properly. write with intelligence, don't just use a line like that because it fills up space and rhymes with something.


That's a good point and looking back I say my rhymes a couple of times, when I write a piece I try to run over it and change it to more original, articulated phrases but since this was a freestyle I didn't do any of that. I appreciate the feedback greatly, same with everyone else who commented on the piece and not the guy who thought it was necassary to point out his close-minded idiocy.
Comin' straight out of Compton, with a loose cannon. Smoke big green, call it Bruce Banner.

"Hey son, how many girls called you today? Zero? Oh and how about yesterday? Uh... Zero? Well son, you know what they say. Zero plus zero equals FAG."
#7
Sounds like a proper rap song, not that I hold most rap in particularly high esteem, but the lyrics are intelligent and fit together well. Saying how awesome you are every five minutes never really appealled to me, but like every rapper does it nowadays.