#1
I don't have a clue what to post as being unbanned makes me feel like I need to have a big "comeback" piece and wow everyone. I've written so much since my banning that I can hardly pick to wow. So I flicked open one of the books I finished and put one piece I wrote up here. Others will come, but I'll post in groups as some tie together in themes, such as sex, depression, uniqueness, monotomy until death and so on.

This one comes under a kind of illness and monotomy linked theme, but I can't be bothered posting more at the moment.


Because my eyes are ruined,
Sun smudge, light burn and synthetic stare.
Because balding men erupt into my room,
Grey blooded women limp on their heels,
Piles of paper, piles of work,
And a clogged toilet of Microsoft Dos.
Because C Drive is degrading,
Candle lit dinners on the modem cases;
Motherboard for the mother of all headaches.
Virus ship in my stomach, waves of cup-a-soups,
Blindfolded and mummified.

All because we?re blinking into the sun,
But just take a squint, don?t turn your-
Last edited by thepickups at Aug 27, 2006,
#2
that's crazy

lol i find it hard to find a rhythm...it sounds kinda nerdy too lol
#3
Hey, good to see you back, we need more people like you around here.


Because my eyes are ruined,
Sun smudge, light burn and synthetic stare.
Excellent.
Because balding men erupt into my room,
Grey blooded women limp on their heels,
Piles of paper, piles of work,
Meh, I think that could have been put differently, even if you did need the repeat to show the piles of wrok, or thats how it came across.
And a clogged toilet of of Microsoft Dos.
Two "of"'s in there.
Because C Drive is degrading,
Candle lit dinners on the modem cases;
Motherboard for the mother of all headaches.
Virus ship in my stomach, waves of cup-a-soups,
Blindfolded and mummified.
Good, except I don't think the last line quite tied in with the sort of tone you've got going with the whole modern-theme.

All because we?re blinking into the sun,
But just take a squint, don?t turn your.
Good end.

So, another good piece, and a nice welcome back.

Jamie
#4
Cool peice. Differant at least. I got a really dark feeling from it, which is always nice (unless your writing about happy things) but the rhythm seemed to get a little lost. It seemed like it could have been more integrated, but sometimes people want their lyrics to be more spread apart, so its not really a bad thing (especially if you meant for them to be like that).
Crit my peice (Untitled in the sig) if you get a chance. Thanks.
#5
Very unique and original piece. I really enjoyed reading it. I thought it was very well written. For some reason, it reminded me of a Radiohead song. Anyways, keep up the good work.

Crit mine please

Babylon
#6
Almost has a Matt feel at the computer part, but very much your own everywhere else.

Nothing much to say other than that, except that the ending is just genius.

Also, welcome back, and from everyone's post here I hope you realize how... uh... this forum has kind of fell apart in terms of help, feedback, whathaveyou.
#7
^ sadly you are right, the S & L has degraded. ANyway, this is a nice piece, sounds a bit nerdy with the computers and stuff, but it has a dark theme at the same time, defientely unique.
#8
^ sadly you are right, the S & L has degraded. ANyway, this is a nice piece, sounds a bit nerdy with the computers and stuff, but it has a dark theme at the same time, defientely unique.


What are you on at the moment?

For some reason, it reminded me of a Radiohead song


Which one?

Why has UG fallen apart anyway?

I wasn't going to post anymore on the S+L forum becuase I see little need, but every so often I like reading others.
#9
"What are you on at the moment?"

Nothing actually, but ive seen a lot more people getting mad that they dont get any crits for their work when they dont crit others.
#10
I meant:

What are you on?

A PC

and then I'd go,

Nerd

Quite a lot of my life, and most peoples who work, revolve around computers of some sort. It's not all "nerd talk", it's reality.
#12
mehh. it's not bad.... not a big fan of pieces that feel a need to communicate solely through extended metaphor. you carry it out well, just not really my style. the ending...meh. dont end a piece in mid sentence.
#13
yet I never seem to understand what the monkeys you are going on about lol, you are a talented writer, really, should help me sometime. btw (incase you cared) I'm Jen from msn, have a new account on this (So loooooong 'smilebehappyjen' lol) mwah xxx
<3<3
#14
dont end a piece in mid sentence.


Is that supposed to be a rule, becuase if it is, I'm breaking it.

yet I never seem to understand what the monkeys you are going on about


It's about tedious work on computer inputting and it revolves around the narrative of me getting a migraine.

It's really whiney piece, just saying what I hate in the office etc.


Because my eyes are ruined,
Sun smudge, light burn and synthetic stare


When I get migraines my eyes go all spotty and I can hardly see, hence the first line and the second. It's like a smudge in my eye. But this stuff continues for ages, such as here:

Motherboard for the mother of all headaches

That's like showing why I get the mother of all headaches. It's becuase of the motherboard, the thing that keeps the PC running.

waves of cup-a-soups


Ever seen Casualty? They use cuppa soups to represent vommit. And I throw up at every migraine.

Blindfolded and mummified


I wear an eyemask when I get one to block out the light to my eyes, thus making me feel like a mummy. The whole way I walk and talk etc, it's all in an ancient mummy esque way.


I felt I needed to explain to people some of it. If it helps.
#15
I love it, I work in an office monday-friday 9-5 and I know exactly how you feel, great piece.
#16
Should a magician share his secrets?

It does help those of us who can't quite grasp a piece, though.

Li'l bump while I remind you to critique my new piece
#17
Haha, I actually thought of my own migraines with those lines... then I thought maybe I was being weird.

And Jammy: I don't, but it's the writer's choice. It does, however, help if you're ever going to be read in English classes. Some writers would probably disagree with everything said about their works.

And to whoever said "Don't end a piece midsentence": I disagree wholeheartedly. It's style, and I like it. I've done it once. I've seen others do it sometimes. It's clever, especially in this situation.
#19
Quote by Jammydude44
Should a magician share his secrets?


No nicking my phrases now JD

Now, i loved how this was all jointed together, that was my favourite aspect of this. Actually no, i lie, i loved "synthetic stare" also; i don't think alliteration gets any better than that.

Something that everyone who works in an office (or does office work) or goes to school can relate to which, i think, is part of its apeal; but of course also the quality of it.

Good writing mate.

Have any time to crit mine in my sig for me please?
#20
And to whoever said "Don't end a piece midsentence": I disagree wholeheartedly. It's style, and I like it. I've done it once. I've seen others do it sometimes. It's clever, especially in this situation.


For once, I agree with you.

Thanks all.

I don't care if I explain some of the things to this, it matters little.

I'll try return some crits.

Also, I'm getting a fender jag this week! anyone got one?
#22
Nice piece Conor, full of your usual cunning satirical kind of stuff.

Keep this up, I might nominate you for WOTM next time. Wouldn't you like that?

Let's keep our fingers crossed for Mclaren puttin' faith in a Crouch-Johnson partnership against the mighty Andorrans.
Last edited by CJW at Aug 29, 2006,
#23
Keep this up, I might nominate you for WOTM next time. Wouldn't you like that?


haha

Let's keep our fingers crossed for Mclaren puttin' faith in a Crouch-Johnson partnership against the mighty Andorrans.


It's happening, definately.