#1
Crit4Crit
Okay heres my newest song i wrote. Id say this is my favorite piece ive written so far.

When Lights Fade Out You Can Replace Them
Verse 1
Well, I know our placid lives are becoming dangerous.
I know these people are asserting to hate us.
They think that we don't belong,
But I can affirm they're wrong.
You indicate that
There is no going back
To our lucid lives.
No more gleaming bright.
Out love used to shine bright.
It would illuminate others' lives.
It would throw beams of light,
Into other peoples' eyes.

Chorus
But now it's dimmed into,
A false sort of truth.
It will never be,
Good enough for me.
Now our love has darkened.
It's been saturated.
Full of Blasphemy.
So together, we won't be.

Verse 2
So what have we aquired?
A song where nothing matters,
About the nuances of life.
So if you want to hear it,
Just sit and open up your ears.
You'll be suprised,
When you realize.
It's the same song we wrote,
A lengthy decade ago.
It's that coincident song,
That we thought would be lucent like the sun.
We thought it would be like
The burning of a thousand lights.

Chorus

Verse 3
So now it's been illuminated into an
elegant insight to me and you.
So now it's good enough,
For us to accept that it's true.
#2
From the opening line, I enjoyed reading this song. I thought the wording you used was great and that it flowed very well. If this is your first song, I am very impressed. Nice job and keep up the good work.

Crit mine please?

Babylon
#4
Oh, you said it was your "favorite" not your "first". Man, I need to check my eye sight.
#5
any other crits? and if someone could tell me how to put the link in my sig under the name of the song id appreciate it.
#6
Very nice. Maybe a bit flowery for my own tastes, but I enjoyed it. Although the simplicity in your rhyming was good in some places, in others it seemed really bland. Especially the light/bright rhyme in the first stanza (which was also not a very original metaphore in itself). It was good though, if I changed anything, it would just be some of the rhyming, but its cool.
#7
Quote by HIMKTR3000
Crit4Crit
Okay heres my newest song i wrote. Id say this is my favorite piece ive written so far.

When Lights Fade Out You Can Replace Them
Verse 1
Well, I know our placid lives are becoming dangerous.
I know these people are asserting to hate us.
They think that we don't belong,
But I can affirm they're wrong.
You indicate that
There is no going back
To our lucid lives.
No more gleaming bright.
Out love used to shine bright.
It would illuminate others' lives.
It would throw beams of light,
Into other peoples' eyes.
The 8th and 9th lines both end in "Bright". Not a good idea. And the ABAB pattern does get a little boring. But an overall good Verse. Undroath-esque. Pretty good.


Chorus
But now it's dimmed into,
A false sort of truth.
It will never be,
Good enough for me.
Now our love has darkened.
It's been saturated.
Full of Blasphemy.
So together, we won't be.

Very nice. A very good chorus. The last line really wraps the chorus up. Try to cut down on the repition though.

Verse 2
So what have we aquired?
A song where nothing matters,
About the nuances of life.
So if you want to hear it,
Just sit and open up your ears.
You'll be suprised,
When you realize.
It's the same song we wrote,
A lengthy decade ago.
It's that coincident song,
That we thought would be lucent like the sun.
We thought it would be like
The burning of a thousand lights.

Very nice. You have a great vocabulary on this song. Overall great Verse.

Chorus

Verse 3
So now it's been illuminated into an
elegant insight to me and you.
So now it's good enough,
For us to accept that it's true.

Very good, nice ABCB pattern. Nice ending as well.


Overall, godd song. Thanks for criting mine.
...When you decide to wake up..