#1
w00t, latest:

no one cares about the bullet

not quite wanting to rise yet not quite wanting to set,
vacant eyes make room for indifferent stares
i like the way the light reflects off your brow
almost as if it's trying to get back to it's source as quickly as possible
or maybe it's just too ironic
the perfect lighting of a darkened mind
picture-perfect... picture-perfect...
but you'll cell me out
as walls will rupture from the inside out
if only these murmurs originated from a less heart-wrenching source
if only believe could be spelt without the lie
all the connections, all the connective tissue in the world,
it couldn't hold me together now
clogs will dance inside my veins
and in painting your palms that pale white,
a contrast of crimson could be seen from my core
but no one cares about the bullet
Last edited by Zamboni at Aug 28, 2006,
#2
thats pretty good. i especially liked the lines "the perfect lighting of a darkened mind
picture-perfect... picture-perfect..." not sure about the clogs will dance inside my veins part. not too fond of that one. and im not too big on the title either. it could just be me because i think bullet is a word thats in way too many titles.
#4
This was yet another great work from you, Zamboni. I really enjoyed the wording and the great imagery and metaphors.

a contrast of crimson could be seen from my core


Stellar consonance.

I can't find anything wrong with it, except for this:

i like the way the light reflects off of your brow


Take the word "of" out of this line. Not only for flow, but also for grammatical pickiness.

Can you please crit my new one in my sig, "Your Perfect A"?