#1
Well, it's been over a full week since my last submission, so I guess it's time to submit my latest work. Crit for crit. :-)
_________________________________________________________________
You play yourself so like a 7th
But always resolve to a different major

You simplify my solo to roots and 5ths
Then say you want someone better

You tell me to step down or you'll leave
I take a step down and I'm out of key

You do your best to diminish my love
Then blame me for the dissonance created
You did your best; you destroyed our song
And now blame me for the dissonance created

I'm the first and you're the second
This progression feels so wrong

I play through the modes to change your mood,
As you complain about the cadence I construct
Above two lines edited 8/27/06, upon recommendation

You do your best to diminish my love
Then blame me for the dissonance created
You did your best; you destroyed our song
And now blame me for the dissonance created

All 440 times I tried to change, to
Make you happy; be your Perfect A
Last edited by lespaul_rentals at Aug 27, 2006,
#2
Quote by lespaul_rentals
Well, it's been over a full week since my last submission, so I guess it's time to submit my latest work. Crit for crit. :-)
_________________________________________________________________
You play yourself so like a 7th
But always resolve to a different major
Nice metahpor and comparison to musical terms here, but it kind of makes it sound a bit boring for a starting verse.

You simplify my solo to roots and 5ths
Then say you want someone better
Again , i like the musical metaphor.

You tell me to step down or you'll leave
I take a step down and I'm out of key
Good job here, love the step down part, fits so perfectly with the feeling of the song.

You do your best to diminish my love
Then blame me for the dissonance created
You did your best; you destroyed our song
And now blame me for the dissonance created
Good here, i like the repition about the blame and all, but dissonance doesnt really fit, maybe it seems like you put it there to make yourself sound smarter.

I'm the first and you're the second
This progression feels so wrong
Good again, but maybe progression isnt the word, maybe like a chord or something instead.

Working through Lydian, Dorian, Ionian,
Mixolydian; to change your mood
Good.

You do your best to diminish my love
Then blame me for the dissonance created
You did your best; you destroyed our song
And now blame me for the dissonance created

All 440 times I tried to change, to
Make you happy; be your Perfect A.
Excelente


Final: Overall, this is a good piece, not masterful, but it was good to put in the musical metaphors, the only stuff wrong is little picky stuff only i would get picky over.


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thx
#3
i thought it was damn good, all the while making it rhyme, and make sense, only using theory words. awesome! i'd really like to hear this become a song. the only part i didn't like was this part, because everything else seemed to flow and rhyme, but this kind of stuck out.

Working through Lydian, Dorian, Ionian,
Mixolydian; to change your mood


then again, it depends how your singing it, so whatever.

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When you take a crap do you clean your ass siting down or standing?
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upside down
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You're working for the government aren't you?
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I don't have an ass.


#4
Thanks for the crits. Jack Flint, I changed those two lines. You were right, they didn't sound very good. Thanks again.
#5
not bad at all I also like the metaphores and still keeping a structure I was wondering if this was to be a softer or harder kinda of song like when you play it could be fine either way but overall I liked it
#6
This was really good. The only one part i didnt really like was in the fourth stanza you used dissonance twice. IMO you should use it once and come up with another word. Might just be me though. I really liked the concept of the song though. It's probably what kept me reading it.
#7
You do your best to diminish my love
Then blame me for the dissonance created
You did your best; you destroyed our song
And now blame me for the dissonance created

I loved that chorus.
Awesome, keep writing i want to see more


https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=430058
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=429680
#9
thanks for the crit on mine first. To be honest i dont liek theming music on music as much. However this seems to be wrote well and have a certain amunt of flow to it. It does also sound quite unique, overall pretty good.
#10
Very clever, dude. Once again, you've reminded me that it is possible to write songs that haven't been done before!
#11
i really cant like this song im sorry but i really dont like ther seriously prolonged metaphor the peice is. i cant give you any advice on how to make it better because personally id just scrap it
#12
Quote by Grundy0
i really cant like this song im sorry but i really dont like ther seriously prolonged metaphor the peice is. i cant give you any advice on how to make it better because personally id just scrap it


Well, when I write, I get a lot of inspiration from the metaphor I'm using. If I had written this without the metaphor, it would be terribly cliche. You say the extended metaphor is what bothers you; I say it's what sets it apart from being just like a lot of other posts in the S&L forum. I mean, I probably will never use this in a song, so I wrote it as a poem.

I'm sorry to disappoint you, because I hate dissappointing people. Thank you for taking the time to read it, and thank you for sharing your view all the same, though.
#13
NAAAH !!! No need to scrap this,its a good piece,written well and obviously more like the metaphores than dont... the 1st 6 lines are my favorite.......hats off to ya
#15
yea i really liked how u used only music theory terms and still made everything flow.
the only thing i would say is the dissonance part. the rest of the chorus is good its jst that dissonance doesnt flow with it maybe its tool long idk..
#16
Quote by lespaul_rentals

You play yourself so like a 7th
But always resolve to a different major

Doesn't sound quite right in my head but I love the metaphor, as everyone before me has said

You simplify my solo to roots and 5ths
Then say you want someone better

You tell me to step down or you'll leave
I take a step down and I'm out of key

These four lines are fantastic, I cannot fault them absolutely loved them!

You do your best to diminish my love
Then blame me for the dissonance created
You did your best; you destroyed our song
And now blame me for the dissonance created

A good chorus, really clever use of words to maintain the music theory theme, smartest word choice? diminsh, good selection!

I'm the first and you're the second
This progression feels so wrong

Again this is good but 'progression' just FEELS wrong to me... not sure why... I like this though

I play through the modes to change your mood,
As you complain about the cadence I construct
Above two lines edited 8/27/06, upon recommendation
I like this. The first time I read it, it seemed off to me, but I took a closer look and now I like it a lot

You do your best to diminish my love
Then blame me for the dissonance created
You did your best; you destroyed our song
And now blame me for the dissonance created

Again, a good chorus

All 440 times I tried to change, to
Make you happy; be your Perfect A

A good clever finish



really liked this piece, excellent use of a metaphor, and you kept the theme throughout. Very original, I loved this piece. 9/10

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#17
ok i liked it - i really liked the music metaphore - i think it made it interesting from the start because - u dont know what its about - i dont actually like the chorus - sorry but i think instead of sending a message the repition of dissonance is kinda annoying - but maybe when sung it would sound different - other than that i really enjoyed it
if u get a chance would u be able to read through parents and tell me what you think
peace out
#18
Quote by lespaul_rentals

You play yourself so like a 7th
But always resolve to a different major
In the first line, I would remove the 'yourself so'.

You simplify my solo to roots and 5ths
Then say you want someone better
I don't think say really captures the feeling you're trying to get here. Usually in poetry try to make every word count.

You tell me to step down or you'll leave
I take a step down and I'm out of key

You do your best to diminish my love
Then blame me for the dissonance created
You did your best; you destroyed our song
And now blame me for the dissonance created
I don't like the repetition in Line 2 and Line 4 at all.

I'm the first and you're the second
This progression feels so wrong
Eh. Weak stanza.

I play through the modes to change your mood,
As you complain about the cadence I construct
I like the modes -> mood thing, if that was intended. But I think you could have taken advantage of that change a little better.

You do your best to diminish my love
Then blame me for the dissonance created
You did your best; you destroyed our song
And now blame me for the dissonance created
At this point, I got an idea for line 4. "And now blame me for the silence created."

All 440 times I tried to change, to
Make you happy; be your Perfect A
Eh, I don't like the break in between 'to' and "Make you happy" Also, the fragment after the semi-colon should be fixed with a "To" added to the beginning. The repetition of "to" would actually be nice here.


It was pretty good, I did think you stuck with the musical metaphor a bit too much and should have maybe shifted to another metaphor (itd probably be hard to find another, hehe) and came back to it with the repetition of that dissonance verse.

If you could crit back on Sunday Atlantic Eyes, that'd be good.

Good job again sir.

Adios.
Last edited by punchupatatigge at Oct 30, 2006,
#19
Quote by lespaul_rentals
Well, it's been over a full week since my last submission, so I guess it's time to submit my latest work. Crit for crit. :-)
_________________________________________________________________
You play yourself so like a 7th
But always resolve to a different major
i like it... great metaphor... as the previously stated not a great start but still a lovely verse...

You simplify my solo to roots and 5ths
Then say you want someone better
i really like these lines... they stuck with me while reading this, for some reason...

You tell me to step down or you'll leave
I take a step down and I'm out of key
absoultely brilliant play on words here...

You do your best to diminish my love
Then blame me for the dissonance created
You did your best; you destroyed our song
And now blame me for the dissonance created
the first line is great... the second needs a bit of a rewrite... to me it felt like it had too many syllables... third line was ok... feels a little like its lacking something... can't quite place my finger on what... try playing around with the words a bit and maybe you'll get to something better... finally the last line again didn't really work for me.. i didn't really like the expression 'dissonance created' it feels sort of like you're forcing the line..

I'm the first and you're the second
This progression feels so wrong
again great lines...

I play through the modes to change your mood,
As you complain about the cadence I construct
Above two lines edited 8/27/06, upon recommendation
i love the first line but it didnt flow well with the second line, imo...

You do your best to diminish my love
Then blame me for the dissonance created
You did your best; you destroyed our song
And now blame me for the dissonance created
see above...

All 440 times I tried to change, to
Make you happy; be your Perfect A
i guess this could flow well or might not... depends on how you're singing it... i'm sure you've got it worked out... imo, this was the weakest of your musical metaphors...


All in all this was an excellent concept... and well written... could use some touching up... but still well written... would love to hear this with music...

It would be really great if you could crit my latest work: 'The Evolution of Man' the links in my sig...