#1
I wrote this very, very fast. Crit for Crit.

Verse
I left myself at the door,
Walking in kicking dust up from the floor
This place has been empty for who knows how many years?
Will I realize this earth's fears?
Letters of love from long ago,
With writing in ink laced with gold,
If life still happened like this,
If love still happened to exist...

Chorus
There'd be no need for kids all alone
Would that young one run away from home
Because of this,
Because of this.

Verse
Many years later they seem to have faltered,
Life has changed since they first started,
Someone please look inside,
Who here told a lie?
Have we been living with the door closed?
We can't even see past the end of our nose,
You can't fly without wings,
And you can't wed without rings.

Chorus
There'd be no need for kids all alone
Would that young one run away from home
Because of this,
Because of this.

Bridge
Splitting apart is just the start,
From now on just two seperate hearts,
Pick a side, any side, either side there's only two
Lifes only one half for you.

Chorus
There'd be no need for kids all alone
Would that young one run away from home
Because of this,
Because of this.

Chorus
There'd be no need for kids all alone
Would that young one run away from home
Because of this,
Because of this.
If The Archers Bows Have Broken, Then I Hope To God They Know How To Fight.
#2
Damn technology, I had a full crit but it crashed..

Anyway, the jist of it was the rhyme scheme, although interesting rhymes in verse 2, I think held you back a s a writer, I think you're good enough to write without extra limitations. I think the chorus lacked impact and a hook, it seemed very dull and lifeless. And the piece in all didn't really engross me, I didn't get into it and emotional connection was really lacking.

However, I did like the bridge.

Ah well, can't win them all, Lol. This one didn't do it for me, sorry.

Jamie