#1
this isnt my first song on this forum, I just now have combined with my bandmembers and we all use this from now on so yep. I wrote this after listening to The Wall album alot.. So I wrote it with the idea of playing/singing in that great Pink Floyd(best band ever btw) style. Not that I am comparing my abilities at ALL to them they are Gods, but ok off the subject now.

The plot of the song should be easy enough to figure out once you read it.

oh, and there are no choruses... just verses.. kind of how LZ's Dazed and Confused's lyrics are composed.

I might edit later on and add the chords that go along with this.

Soul Cell


Verse 1:

The prison keepers are watching,
getting their mind cells warm
Souls are what they are catching, son,
its the way things are, it's only but the norm

Verse 2:

They said there'd be a day, when we're finally free at last,
but the reality is, you've wasted your life,
now you don't even have a past.

-Guitar Bridge-

Verse 3:

(spoken)
Its to prepare you for life my lass,
How is that, when your best years have passed,
now you are ready son, to toil away till your days are done.

-Guitar Solo-

Verse 4:

After all these years, as you stare into overcast clouds,
have you realised, what they've done,
kept your dreams beneath their shrouds.


okay I know the rhyme scheme aint great but I thought it was cool when I played it, but hey you tell me what you think..
always room for improvement.


c4c
#3
sorry(maybe I just stuoid or something)....

Whats it about?
Quote by ironman1478
im romanian and am offended. most of the people in romania make americans look like autistic kids on ritalin
Quote by ProfessorJim
I'm autistic and on ritalin and am offended. Most autistic kids on ritalin make americans look like romanians.
#4
as the person above, i would like an explanation of the plot. as far as i can gather, it's looking back on life and realization of what was wasted. but in that case, the first stanza is pretty much unrelated.
"We are what we pretend to be...so we must be careful what we pretend to be."
#5
okay sorry yeah I guess it may have been clearer to me than other people..

Its like, the beginning of the song.. School is starting once again, and the
"prison keepers" I guess you could say are the teachers/staff whatever else.. and mind cell was supposed to represent the classroom..

basically, its about how much time is wasted in schooling, and when you are finally free from it, you realise that it stole away from yourself and everyone elses life.. the teen years I guess, which is usually the greatest era of your life.. and once your out, many(not all but alot) are shoveled into a routine and dull life of corporate work.. or mindless work.. I mean Im not like trying to be against work and education.. but there is some angst and issues against them and their basis.

But I like when people interpret things for themselves and try and find their own meaning in it.. which is what I admire about System of a Downs music.
#6
I really liked it except for the first verse, i just don't like how all the other verses are 3 lines, and the first is 4, it just seemed a bit akward. Other than that first verse, I liked it. Crit my other one if you get the chance, lonely anyonomous, and thank you for criting my one song (Heal)
ESP/ltd EC-1000 snow white
ESP/ltd MH-1000NT See Through Blue
Peavey 6505+
Mesa traditional 4x12 (x pattern 2 v30's and 2 g12h30's)
ISP decimator/Tc Electronics Polytune/Ts9 Tubescreamer

Check out my band! www.facebook.com/blackentheskyline
#7
First of all I'll say that I thought it was fairly good, but could definitly be improved. I understood what it was about btw, so I dont think its that challenging really.
The prison keepers are watching,
getting their mind cells warm
Souls are what they are catching, son,
its the way things are, it's only but the norm

Bad rhyme. Otherwise its ok, nothing unique but maybe you needed it to open the song up. You could probly find something better though.
They said there'd be a day, when we're finally free at last,
but the reality is, you've wasted your life,
now you don't even have a past.

Still nothing amazing but its ok. The rhyming still doesnt sound too good.
(spoken)
Its to prepare you for life my lass,
How is that, when your best years have passed,
now you are ready son, to toil away till your days are done.

Better. I still think the rhyming could be improved but its cool. Also, I like this going into a solo.
After all these years, as you stare into overcast clouds,
have you realised, what they've done,
kept your dreams beneath their shrouds

Probly my favorite part. Nice closing and improved writing in general.

Overall, its good, but your limiting your writing too much in your structure. Not that you should use less structure, but you need to learn to work around it a bit.
Also, if you could crit my peice it would be awesome. Its Empty Streets in the sig.
Thanks.
#8
yeah I know I usually post the rough drafts anyway so I can get ideas for improving from other people. Thanks.
#9
Quote by airedaletheband
i crit ppls stuff, so if you view this an crit idc good or bad i always crit back.

oops sorry for the bump.

True but try to give fuller crits on other's work.

Sounds kind of bluesy to me actually, probably because Clapton is in my head but nevertheless; it would work.

I think this is solid, but nothing special. Nothing groundbreaking i felt although it was quite good.

To be honest with you i can't pick out too much in particular, but it's it as a whole. It will get better in time though.

Sorry for the shitty crit but i'm really tired...
#11
not to bad but could be great if you worked it out and really got a good melody and ryme skeem going good subjuct too oh and no offense to you or pink floyd but they were great song writers but in adiffrent time so if I was you I would stay away from tring to write in to specific of a style just let your natural rythm take the song were its going oh and the death to emo comment is weak haha because if you think about it every song is emotional in one way or another so thats what its all about but yea keep it up man and good luck

crithttps://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=422824 for a crit
#12
Soul Cell

Verse 1:

The prison keepers are watching,
getting their mind cells warm
"Mind cells" sounds really corny.
Souls are what they are catching, son,
Unclear reference metaphor, or imagery. Explain better in the song.
its the way things are, it's only but the norm
Only but the norm is archaic English and is counter to the meter. It's only the norm would probably work better there.

Verse 2:

They said there'd be a day, when we're finally free at last,
Odd meter here. Second sentence should read something like: when we'd finally be free at least. That would make better grammer sense. I would split this first line into two seperate lines, as this would make it more consistent with the first verse. Also end complete thoughts with periods not commas.
but the reality is, you've wasted your life,
Don't begin a sentence with a but, it's very bad stylistically and will get you slapped by grammer snobs.
now you don't even have a past.
The other two lines worked well with you're attempting to communicate, this third one, seems very forced and fails to effectively communicate your ideas.

-Guitar Bridge-

Verse 3:

(spoken)
Its to prepare you for life my lass,
Either lad and lass, or son and daughter. Make your imagery consistent and people will understand it better.
How is that, when your best years have passed,
You don't seem to be effectively communicating your idea in the first two lines of this verse.
now you are ready son, to toil away till your days are done.
As with before, this should be split into two lines. That would also improve the ryhme structure in this verse.

-Guitar Solo-

Verse 4:

After all these years, as you stare into overcast clouds,
Overcast clouds is too much, if you're staring into the clouds we already know that is the sky is overcast.
have you realised, what they've done,
Here you may or may not be right, if you live in Britain you're okay however in the US, this is spelled realized.
kept your dreams beneath their shrouds.
This seems a little bit awkward. Maybe put your dreams under their shrouds.
Overall, it's fairly standard fare. Also you transition from science fiction imagery to folkish imagery go with one or the other. I liked the folkish imagery better, I'd go with that and rewrite the first verse. Your meter is horrendous and could be much improved, I would work on that first and foremost. Despite all the negatives it shows definite potiential, although in a song about how school is a wasted part of your life, I would more carefully examine the grammer. Hope you found this useful.
#13
seeing as how I am only in 10th grade, this is just what it is feeling and really looking like.. It really is a waste.

And I have no clue what a meter is btw. Nor do I want to.. but I suppose "serious" writers have to know this stuff.. idk.

Thanks though.

sorry for the major bump but I havent been on in quite a while and just am reading the responses.
#14
Are you talking to a boy or a girl? in the first verse you say son, in the third you say lass. I dont think it is a good idea to put a refersnce to boys/girls, black/white or what ever so the poem/song can be as universal as possible
#15
i was trying to include both. but i would suppose that might be a good thing to do.
yeah that slipped my mind though because I was focusing on it supposedly speaking to a guy in it.. so that was an accident i have to also change
:P
#18
I like it it's kinda fresh, y'know, not about love and ****, and that's all you hear these days. Pink Floyd rocks
Quote by Godzilla1969
I love you, Muphin. You have great taste in music.

Quote by Pacifica112J
Muphin > You

The Cooperation
#19
damn right about Floyd.

well thanks.. sometimes its good to get a simple compliment than a 300 page analysis about bad "meter"..