#1
Now there's a number of things that I should have done,
But not one of them would of been any fun,
A sharp pain in my gut, and I know where from,
And it seems without you, I've lost my sun.

Long live the king that rules our emotion,
And this dragging pain, I'm in slow motion,
It's looking up but I still am chokin',
Cast out to sea, I'm all alone and broken.

But now the clouds are gone I can see again,
And this stabbing pain has left me again,
I think I'm finally left to be again,
But I thought of you, and I'm in pain again.

Now leaving this to me is not the way to go,
And beating me to death is not the way to show,
Hide your feelings inside, not the way to know,
That I'm still here, and you're in the way of my flow.

Turn off my mind, I wish I could,
Not think of you, I know I should,
End my life, you know I would,
But not today, I'm feelin good.

Are we ever alive or dead,
Is all of this just in my head,
Can my mind be truly read?
And why don't we say WHAT SHOULD BE SAID?


This is basically more poetic, but it's lyrically inspired. I'm going to modify and restructure for my band.
#3
Good writing. One little thing that bothered me was the rhyming. First of all the rhymes were pretty simple and sounded a little forced here and there. Also, I didnt like the using of rhyming after the first stanzas were you stopped using couplets and rhymed every line in the stanza together. That might just sound annoying in a song. Also, the quality of your writing went down because you were modifying the lines to accomodat for the forced rhymes. Otherwise I thought it was good, but I think if you started over with just the first two stanzas you could make a much better song of it.
Crit my song if you get a chance (Empty Streets in the sig).
Thanks