#1
Ok.. so I've started writing.. but everytime I start writing.. after a few lines I end up stuck and struggling for words or how to continue the song.. but here is what I have so far.. maybe some crits will help me clean it up and influence me to more topics.. here it is so far C4C of course

(verse 1)
I Really thought I could feel
Some connection we had made
And You made it feel so real
With each passing summer day

Those long summer nights
Of us staring at the stars
The wrongs that we made right
I felt everything was ours

(Chorus)

But now the summers over
Along with us
And as the nights grow colder
Our ashes turn to dust

The confusion you created
It now seems so clear
Now I know exactly what you wanted
And its exactly what I feared
Last edited by GtR ParaDoX at Aug 27, 2006,
#2
The last two lines are beautiful, the rest is alright.

"But now the summers over
Along with us
And as the nights grow colder
Our ashes turn to dust "

"along with us" needs to be extended methinks.

keep editing it, it has promise.
"We are what we pretend to be...so we must be careful what we pretend to be."
#3
Thanks for the crit.. yea I've been trying to lengthen that line i just havent figured out how yet.. maybe ill figure it out eventually
#5
You asked me to crit it so I willlll

The subject is cliche, which is alright, but it makes it very common. You know the images that you get when you say summer nights/days? Try putting those into different words, like something that comes with summer (I don't know, a breeze or a turned off alarm clock... I'm not too much of a lyricist).

Song is very simple but well written for what it is.
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#6
It's good if simple is what you're going for, but I like it, anyhoo, the rhyming doesn't sound TOO forced which is an UBER good thing, but I don't see your need to constantly rhyme, maybe that's the style you're going for, it shouts 'Something Corporate' to me lol but well done
<3<3
#7
Seems good, but I cant really crit anything. Its a little short though.

I know where your coming from though.


Crit returned.
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#8
(verse 1)
I Really thought I could feel
Some connection we had made
And You made it feel so real
With each passing summer day


I really like this part

Those long summer nights
Of us staring at the stars
The wrongs that we made right
I felt everything was ours


The second line seems a bit long, maybe

"Those long summer nights
Us staring at the stars"

Also, the 'everything' doesn't seem to fit in the last line. I'm not sure why, but it feels misplaced.

(Chorus)

But now the summers over
Along with us
And as the nights grow colder
Our ashes turn to dust


Good chorus, nice rhyme without it feeling forced

The confusion you created
It now seems so clear
Now I know exactly what you wanted
And its exactly what I feared


Perfect, except the 'exactly' also seemed a bit long. Maybe "Now I know just what you wanted"


I'd appreciate a crit on my newest song, "Lullaby of Grace"
"If faith is the answer we've already reached it
and if spirits a sign, then it's only a matter of time"
#9
I think you've got a beautiful set of lyrics there. You just need to lengthen your piece a bit. Though many songwriters have a couple pieces that are short. Miseria Cantare for one, by AFI... No Poetic Device, AFI... Exodus, Evanescence. I like what you've done here, I really do. I really don't think you need to change a thing
REVENGE
#10
Thanks for the crits guys.. if u want to hear what it sounds like so far.. check out my sig.. thats how i've made it fit so far.. but i might make some minor adjustments to the lyrics after i lengthen it.. again thanks for the crits and keep it coming.. i have school so ill crit back when i get home