#1
Into Exile

Dead leaves blowing in the lot
Dancing aimlessly on the asphalt
If that could be me
I?d actually stay in this dream

And I?ll enjoy the rain on my face
The sound that the thunder makes
Just because it?s healing
And no one can hear me screaming

You don?t have to accept the truth
Denial with the absence of proof
But even then I have my doubts
Torn, even after I let it all out

How can I be wrong this many times
When my intentions were in line
My search is over, into exile now
I came in last, I?m tossing the towel
Last edited by Partyboy2k05 at Aug 29, 2006,
#3
Quote by Partyboy2k05
Into Exile

Dead leaves blowing in the lot
Dancing aimlessly on the asphalt
If that could be me
I?d actually stay in this dream

I like this for a start. The writing is pretty good and theres a nice simple bit of imagery. Since lot and asphalt could either rhyme or not depending on how its sung, I would think it would be better not rhyming to break it up from the couplets.

And I?ll enjoy the rain on my face
The sound that the thunder makes
Just because it?s healing
And no one can hear me screaming

I didnt like the last two, although you pulled off the couplets well in the first two. Maybe it was the simplicity of the rhyme in the last ones, it just doesnt sound good to me.

You don?t have to accept the truth
Denial with the absence of proof
But even then I have my doubts
Torn, even after I let it all out

Still not a fan of the couplets, but whatever. This verse didnt seem to say much. No big deal though, its ok.

How can I be wrong this many times
When my intentions were in line
My search is over, into exile now
I came in last, I?m tossing the towel
That last rhyme is kind of lame. This is an ok closing though. Not really exceptional, but it works.

This is pretty good. If I were you I would maybe rearange some of the verses so theyre not all in couplets. I know a lot of people are scared to deviate in their rhyme schemes during a song, but if you handle it right it can add a lot to the song. Not too bad though.
Btw, if you could crit my song, Empty Streets, its in the sig. I just edited it. Thanks.