#1
I know it’s frustrating when I refuse to explain
But, if it's any consolation, I got a small taste.
trying to annotate everything I say,
elucidating my nuances you find as nuisances
since they're only clear to me-
I talked for five minutes straight
before I found you were asleep.

would you believe
(should I choose to tell you)
it was hard to leave?
pealed your fingers off my body
painfully, small band-aids,

who would ever think
anyone would hold onto anything
that tightly, unconsciously?

well you know me
I mean what I say
so let me rephrase
not like medical tape
more like pulling petals
or like picking flowers
from their beds
and dropping them down dead
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
Last edited by less than that at Aug 29, 2006,
#2
Well I enjoyed that.

Seriously, I thought that was a great, simple piece with what seems a deeper meaning to it than first meets the eye.

Apart from the odd grammar mistake (you don't have a capital after a full stop, for instance, in the third line), the onlyline I didn't like (or more, thought it was unnecasary) was "I do these things slowly", because all you need to do is reference the band-aid and the reader knows it's peeled slowly, so I don't think you need to state that.

So, good rhyme, good flow, good everything, to be honest. Good stuff.

Jamie
#3
This was fantastic.

elucidating my nuances you find as nuisances
since they're only clear to me-
I talked for five minutes straight
before I found you were asleep.


By far the most chilling part. This is great stuff, by far one of the best ones I've read in a while. If you feel obliged, you can crit mine. "into exile" As I said, great writing and keep up the good work.
#4
thank you
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
#5
I enjoyed reading that. Very good.
Quote by primusucks
"i am so proud that by chance i am living in a place that during a territorial divide it got the largest mass of land."

hey texas, nobody cares.
#6
All I have to say and that was a very beautiful piece. Itwas very sad and I almost cried when I read it. The last stanza was just excellent. Great job all around.

Crit mine please

The Seventh Circle
#7
thanks. sure I will
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
#8
Oh, it'd be great if you could crit the piece form my sig because.. well I think you owe me a couple anyway. S&L Karma and all, critiques are all we have at the moment. Many thanks.

Jamie
#9
hey, dont wanna sound greedy or anything, but i wanted to know if you could check out mine, i dont really feel like critting now, not to sound conceited or anything but kind of a down point in life here. The links are in my sig, if you have the time, and heres one for my most recent one

*http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=423774*

Appreciated, ill crit yours if i get the time, and understood if you dont check mine.
#10
the way I see it, in all the years I've been here, I don't owe nobody nothin'


but since you asked nicely
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
#11
Loveeeee it.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching