#1
Okay, different and darker from me. Everyone writes darker at some point, I don't think I've explored those emotions yet in my writing and I felt like I need to, so here is something new.

If you leave a link and some sort of decent comment, I'll get back to you.

Enjoy :P


Laughter brought about changes to him which you would only attribute to a chameleon. His fuse blown by foolish minds, who thought that teasing was a sign of affection. To pinpoint one individual in a group for target practice cannot be seen to be humane. Day after day the storm worsened, slowly each one and another turning their backs on him, until there was no one left to turn. Orange to red he became, then to the inevitable black, a colour so dark that he soon became a permanent mark in the community- a memory that could never be forgotten, and a lesson to those foolish minds who think that teasing is a sign of affection.
#2
It improved towards the end and picked up some actual flow, which this kind of piece needs.

I've hardly got anything to say about this. It's simple, concise and seemingly well thought out. It's nothing great, but it's not too shoddy.
#4
hey jammy, that piece is so different from all that you write! (i think u know that) lol
I like the 3rd sentence the most, and following ones. The beggining created the mood thaugh. I cant say anything bad about your work here...It's somewhat good, but still there is something wrong, i dont know, maybe you try to rephrase it to add some more flow?
Anyways, interesting to see something like that produced by you.
you are welcomed (as usual) to crit mine, "Lied cause Loved"...find it around, peace
#5
I only have one suggestion for a change. It might sound better in the first sentence if, instead of having "brought about changes to him," put "brought about changes in him"

Other than that I really loved this.
Thus sayeth the Lord.

<//////>~
#6
This was a good piece in my opinion. I loved all the metaphors you used. It seemed to be lacking flow, but since it was so beautiful written, I'll overlook that. Anyways, this a solid poem altogether. Great job. I hope to see more of these from you.

Crit mine please

The Seventh Circle
#7
Sorry, I'm finally returning that crit I owe you...

Laughter brought about changes to him which you would only attribute to a chameleon.

Shouldn't the word "would" be "could" otherwise the phrasing is rather strange... good metaphor though...

His fuse blown by foolish minds, who thought that teasing was a sign of affection.

It should be "fuse was blown"

To pinpoint one individual in a group for target practice cannot be seen to be humane.

it flows better as " cannot be seen as humane" just nitpicking

Day after day the storm worsened, slowly each one and another turning their backs on him, until there was no one left to turn.

did you mean "no where"? I thought the flow in this sentence is kind of poor, revision is needed here....

Orange to red he became, then to the inevitable black, a colour so dark that he soon became a permanent mark in the community- a memory that could never be forgotten, and a lesson to those foolish minds who think that teasing is a sign of affection.

Long sentence lol. Again the phrasing is strange in the beginning.... "Orange to red he became" ? The ending is great as well. I love to end the piece with the title too it kind of gives off a bigger bang.... good job.


This is a very different piece from you, I would definitely work on your phrasing... sometimes it was hard to interpret what you were trying to say. Great metaphors and such. I didn't think it was that dark of a piece but.... what do I know Good job
#8
This is alright. A decent morality lesson which didn't really make the point sharply enough, but still a very good effort.
#9
Laughter brought about changes to him which you would only attribute to a chameleon. His fuse blown by foolish minds, who thought that teasing was a sign of affection. To pinpoint one individual in a group for target practice cannot be seen to be humane. ok, good start had me keep reading, but wasnt blowing me away euther.Day after day the storm worsened, slowly each one and another turning their backs on him, until there was no one left to turn. thats cool... well worded...Orange to red he became, then to the inevitable black, a colour so dark that he soon became a permanent mark in the community- a memory that could never be forgotten, and a lesson to those foolish minds who think that teasing is a sign of affection. that's a great ensing, i get it, the mark on community and the going back to the sing of affection poeple... great ending

ok, this overall wasnt just decent, it was very good. It came together great, but for some reason, it didnt get me excited, like "wow, that was awsome!", like you sometimes do... but Maybe its cause i just woke up... oh well, it is a good work man

and my latest is in my sig, if you could take a look, please
#10
Quote by Jammydude44
Okay, different and darker from me. Everyone writes darker at some point, I don't think I've explored those emotions yet in my writing and I felt like I need to, so here is something new.

If you leave a link and some sort of decent comment, I'll get back to you.

Enjoy :P

Sorry for the delay.

Laughter brought about changes to him which you would only attribute to a chameleon. Cool opening. His fuse blown by foolish minds, who thought that teasing was a sign of affection. Hmm, this is too colloquial for me. To pinpoint one individual in a group for target practice cannot be seen to be humane. Day after day the storm worsened, slowly each one and another turning their backs on him, until there was no one left to turn. Not brilliant, not bad, it's ok. Orange to red he became, then to the inevitable black, a colour so dark that he soon became a permanent mark in the community- a memory that could never be forgotten, and a lesson to those foolish minds who think that teasing is a sign of affection. Hmm ok...


I can't quite put my finger on it but didn't enjoy this much personally. It might be that it's too colloquial which i true in my opinion or there was something else.... but i forgot, sorry, probably wasn't important.

But yes, that was the main thing; nothing relly grabbed me either.

So to conclude i'd say it was mediocre for your ability, it's a sad da for us all.

Ah well, we all have 'em, and in this case it's good 'cos you're experimenting
#11
Hmmm, I thought it was okay. The highlight was the "day after day" and colours part, because, well, the rest was all just maybe a little too plainly stated or something. I think the repitition of "foolish minds" doesn't suit. I mean it would if the 'chameleon' was the narrator, but he isn't. And I think the 'fuse' blown thing was maybe a little too much of a colloquial, common phrase. Meh, maybe that firthers the idea though; in an 'everyday' kinda way. It picked up toward the end but again I didn't like the 'foolish minds' part in their. If this is supposed to be some kind of omniscient narrative or something then it just doesn't do to label any minds as bluntly as that. It's never that black and white, above it all.
Not too shabby at all, the sentiment shone through, anyway, I thought.
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