#1
Just edited. I just added a thrid verse, so it still might not be done.

Anyway, any suggestions or comments would be appreciated. The name is just temporary (probly temporary anyway) so I could use suggestions there. Crit for crit. Thanks.

Verse
Traffic jams in empty streets.
Alarm bells sing to passerbys,
To vacant lines, a vacant song,
The disregarded sirens call.

Chorus
All too common for this place,
Echoes, laced with your dissertion.
Familiar phrasing in the rhythm
Reminescent of the future.

Verse
Tapping from your hollow shell,
Those thoughts exceed idyllic state.
Breathe heavy with temptation,
A less material addiction.

Chorus

Verse
Behing that uninspired mask,
Lacking of taste and definition,
I felt true nature through that face.
I learned to love that kind of hate.

Thats it so far. Anyone want to crit?
Last edited by sjada at Aug 29, 2006,
#2
Quote by sjada
Another work in progress. Anyway, any suggestions or comments would be appreciated. The name is just temporary (probly temporary anyway) so I could use suggestions there. Crit for crit. Thanks.

Verse
Traffic jams in empty streets.
Alarm bells sing to passerbys,
To vacant lines, a vacant song,
The disregarded sirens call.

Good first verse, I really liked the last two lines

Chorus
All too common for this place,
Echoes, laced with your dissertion.
Familiar phrasing in the rhythm
Reminescent of the future.

Wow, for some reason I really like this. I just can't find a way to say what it is I like.

Verse
Tapping from your hollow shell,
Those thoughts exceed idyllic state.
Breathe heavy with temptation,
A less material addiction.

Once again, a good verse. Once again, I really liked the last two lines.

Thats it so far. Anyone want to crit?


Nice song, i enjoyed reading it, i liked your other work also (unknown) but I was unable to leave any comments on it because my computer kept screwing up every time I went to commment. I think you should keep the name, really like it.
ESP/ltd EC-1000 snow white
ESP/ltd MH-1000NT See Through Blue
Peavey 6505+
Mesa traditional 4x12 (x pattern 2 v30's and 2 g12h30's)
ISP decimator/Tc Electronics Polytune/Ts9 Tubescreamer

Check out my band! www.facebook.com/blackentheskyline
#3
I tryed playing this song (just made up some guitar) to see how it sounds with music..
and it goes really well, at least with what I just improvised.


Quote by sjada



Verse
Traffic jams in empty streets.- this is one of my favorite lines.
Alarm bells sing to passerbys,
To vacant lines, a vacant song,
The disregarded sirens call.

Chorus
All too common for this place,
Echoes, laced with your dissertion.
Familiar phrasing in the rhythm
Reminescent of the future.-also another great oxymoron

Verse
Tapping from your hollow shell,
Those thoughts exceed idyllic state.
Breathe heavy with temptation,
A less material addiction.

Thats it so far. Anyone want to crit?


yeah definitely you should try coming up with some more to this, maybe with some more of those oxymorons, they seem to fit nicely with the theme of the song. I like it alot.
#4
i liked this. probably what it needs is just SLIGHT adjustements in maybe rephrasing a few things later on, but good so fat. you might wanna add some more to the song...you know 2 short verses is kinda short
#5
Thank you all. I am going to add to this, soon hopefully, but I'll post any changes I make on here. Thanks again and if any of you wanted anything critted, just leave a link.
#6
hey good song. first verse was good but i didnt quite feel a good flow. same with the rest of it. maybe some rephrasing would be nice. your first line is awesome but i think you need some more because its all a little vague to me at this point. check mine out in the sig.
#7
hey there
nice thing you got over there, looks it will sound pretty cool with music. Yea, you gotta make it a lil longer i think. I will also agree with some suggestions above about rephrasing to get a better flow. What about the title? You can name it as your first stanza is :
" traffic jams in empty streets"
i think its more matching to the mood of the song.
Anyways, enjoyed reading your work, u r welcomed to check out mine- 'Lied cause Loved'
peace
#8
Thanks guys.
To HIMKTR: I already critted that one. If you have another Id be happy to check it out though.
And to everyone else, I am going to add to this when I get the appropriate inspiration.
Thanks again.
#9
thanks dude im workin on one right now. im kinda in the same position. im halfway through a song right now. well keep up the good work though.
#10
I just added a third verse, so anyone want to crit it maybe? Thanks.
#11
Hey, great song... the lyrics are as poetic as you're going to get. It's the type of song you'd listen to over and over again and find something new to concentrate on each time... great imagery- and the like the fact that it not only gives you the setting, but the story. Great song altogher. thanks for the other crit.
Last edited by blazing glory02 at Aug 29, 2006,
#12
That last verse I feel completed the song.. I dont think you need anymore. Its better than it was.
And you added another oxymoron to keep with the theme of things. "I learned to love that kind of hate."

nice.

if you could or anyone else crit either or both of my songs, it would be great since Ive been giving alot of replies to alot of peoples stuff and not getting anything back.

keep up the good work.
#15
All, or most of your lines you begin with a noun or verb, which generally is pretty bad. There's no variation, it's either an action or something, it's gets repetive fast and i can't stand it. Oh well, other than that, your diction is pretty okay, and some of the words are nice. Work on originality and the whole structure thing, but other than that, it's mediocre.


matt

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=491418
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#16
thanks. i should probly mention that i wrote this like 4 months ago and i wasnt really looking for crits on it, not that i mind or anything. ill crit yours tho
#17
Nice, sounds reggae to me, dunno why.
Member#8 of the John Frusciante and Red Hot Chilli Peppers UG fanclub. PM IpodInaBottle to join