#1
Ok, I revised it. I was told to change the title, but I wasnt able to. It fits a personal experience too well.
I got rid of the 3rd verse. I also bought a Thesaurus and changed some words in it too. I also moved some of the parts around. The interlude is my weakest part and am prepared to take some flak for it.

Find the Light(Revised)

Verse 1-
In a place, filled with gloom
Tryin to get out
Lookin for some breathin room
To find out what this is about

Verse 2-
In my dreams I see....
I see the light down path
But it I cannot grasp as I'm,
Subjected to the Dark's wrath

Bridge-
When the dream ends....
And I open my eyes, I try to..

Chorus-
Find the light, but its not there
Ask my friends, but they dont care
Not givin up without a fight
Gonna try to find the light

(Short Guitar Solo) I need to(to chorus)

Chorus-
Find the Light, but its not there
Ask my friends, but they dont care
Not given up without a fight!!! (hold until interlude)

Interlude-
Is it there?
No one knows
Its not there
My tears flow
Anyone care?
No they don't
Will my eyes open?
After they close!!

<Guitar Solo>

Chorus-
I found the light, its right there
Found a friend, who really cared
Didnt give up without a fight,
And now I've found the light.

<END>
Seattle Seahawks


Quote by chookiecookie
i feel like you have an obsession with aubrey plaza.


Quote by WCPhils
at least we can all agree SGstriker is the woooooooooooooooooooooorst
Last edited by SGstriker at Sep 30, 2006,
#2
bump
Seattle Seahawks


Quote by chookiecookie
i feel like you have an obsession with aubrey plaza.


Quote by WCPhils
at least we can all agree SGstriker is the woooooooooooooooooooooorst
#3
well dude. it could be better. im not gonna do a full crit but i will say some of these lines have been used before. its obviously not going to be that great as its your first song but try to make it more original. use more complex vocabulary and take a look at the lyrics tips thread. however i will say i like the way make the flow of the bridge and the chorus. thats always a nice hook. and the title Find the Light. no. dont like. keep workin on it dude youll get it. can you check mine out. the links in my sig. and no messages that say bump.
Last edited by HIMKTR3000 at Aug 28, 2006,
#4
Ok. Thanks

EDIT: Could you give me examples of lines that were already used?
Seattle Seahawks


Quote by chookiecookie
i feel like you have an obsession with aubrey plaza.


Quote by WCPhils
at least we can all agree SGstriker is the woooooooooooooooooooooorst
#5
like anything like trying to get out of the dark. it has a good meaning to it but its been used so much that its kinda lost its impact. finding the light is overused as well but i guess if you combined those into one line and used it ONCE in a song it would be ok. extremely blind, losing my mind. not only overused but a very bland rhyme with very bland words. my friends dont care. it relates to many but more complex word usage such as companion replacing friends helps. and dont care should be more exciting as well. and asking is it there? not very good either. just beef it all up with vocabulary.
#6
Wow....you kick ass,...Thanks
Seattle Seahawks


Quote by chookiecookie
i feel like you have an obsession with aubrey plaza.


Quote by WCPhils
at least we can all agree SGstriker is the woooooooooooooooooooooorst
#7
Ok, i revised it.
Seattle Seahawks


Quote by chookiecookie
i feel like you have an obsession with aubrey plaza.


Quote by WCPhils
at least we can all agree SGstriker is the woooooooooooooooooooooorst