#1
Remember the time we watched old movies
Like Casablanca, when we were snowed in
You told me I looked like the guy next to the plane
I cocked a smile and fired, "Here's lookin at you, kid"

Now I'm alone on the couch wishing you'd be my blanket
To cover me up and warm my heart
But you're coming thread-bare these days, and i can't count on you for that

We walked the snowbound streets behind snowplows
Skated down the frozen sidewalks and snowdrifts
And the piled-high edges seemed like cold canals
Like the icy blood pumping through your heart

You smiled, cold snapped, a summer of nights ran into my head
You teased me like you used to, I missed knowing you wanted me
Everyone was out since the cars didn't run, snowball martial law declared
But we felt a part of them, like we were a pop-art Viking invader force
But you always said I watch too much History Channel

And your sun-shine smile danced around my eyes and settled on my heart
It reminded me of a time we were in love
And you never questioned it, you played your part
And darling we both deserved a Golden Globe

There were beatnicks out in the streets with their french berets under snow-smoked lights
And the lovers singing "Rosalita won't ya come out tonight?"
And I wanted to scream yes, yes I would
But I just thought to myself and smiled, instead
You know, you were always Rosalita in my head

You do want me now? Great
I'll be in your room, sitting on your bed, waiting for you to finish what never really got started.
#2
I really like the allusions to Casablanca, that's like the best ****ing movie ever. The imagery presented really captured the sort of magic snow brings, being snowed in and all that. And there's that semi-nostalgic tone to it, which somehow reminds me of christmas. You seem to have rhymed this sort of wherever though. And you use the word "heart" a little too much. But yeah, I liked this a lot.
#4
I have yet to see Casablanca

The content's pretty witty, original. It's got character like that. Didn't really speak to me personally, but I think I can recognise it's all there nonetheless.

Meh, I missed your meter and rhyming in this.

Some of the simile and metaphor-ish kinda stuff I found a little irritating, maybe due to seemingly vaguely clichéd or whatever. "Icy blood pumping through your heart" being the main culprit there, I think.

Also there's something about lines beginning with "But you always said..." that just reek clichéd. A little bit like beatniks with french berets. Also, the Rosalita stuff went right over my head...

I was kinda left pretty unmoved by this, but really I'm not the best person to judge it so...meh. Useless crit...let's just call it a bump
Ro
ρ
#5
haha thanks ro..

on the rosalita bit.......its a bruce springsteen song, one of the bridges is "Rosie come out tonight....oh baby come out tonight"

"And uh, now...for my mother.....the greatest love song, i ever wrote"

he's the boss.
__________________
#6
wow... b-e-a-utiful, really... this spoke to me so much, I really love this piece. like REALLY lol, I could marry it teehee
<3<3
#8
What's more interesting Jay, are you?

Remember the time we watched old movies
Like Casablanca, when we were snowed in
You told me I looked like the guy next to the plane
I cocked a smile and fired, "Here's lookin at you, kid"
How beautiful it is to take such a famous moment, that many have experienced, and make it so private and unique. I did think that the use of "time" in singular and "movies" in plural was a bit odd and if you do mean they actually sat one night and watched many movies at one time - then I thought "like" was a bit casual, when relating to Casablanca. Sorry to be picky, I really like this opening.

Now I'm alone on the couch wishing you'd be my blanket
To cover me up and warm my heart
But you're coming thread-bare these days, and i can't count on you for that
I am in awe. Loved this.

We walked the snowbound streets behind snowplows
Skated down the frozen sidewalks and snowdrifts
And the piled-high edges seemed like cold canals
Like the icy blood pumping through your heart
I kind of expected you to double the word "snow" in the second line as well. Loved the last two lines.

You smiled, cold snapped, a summer of nights ran into my head
You teased me like you used to, I missed knowing you wanted me
Everyone was out since the cars didn't run, snowball martial law declared
But we felt a part of them, like we were a pop-art Viking invader force
But you always said I watch too much History Channel
This stanza was perfect. I frowned at the beginning at the use of "into my head", rather than "through my head" but I dunno, it sits fine with me now. More physical in a way.

And your sun-shine smile danced around my eyes and settled on my heart
It reminded me of a time we were in love
And you never questioned it, you played your part
And darling we both deserved a Golden Globe
Such clever writing. I really missed your pieces, Jay. Again, "on my heart" vs. "in my heart" - loved the change this time. Such small winks that are so precious. Again, your strength appears in the last two lines.

There were beatnicks out in the streets with their french berets under snow-smoked lights
And the lovers singing "Rosalita won't ya come out tonight?"
And I wanted to scream yes, yes I would
But I just thought to myself and smiled, instead
You know, you were always Rosalita in my head
Did I mention I worship you? Writing-wise the first line does run a bit long, but heck if I care. I love this.

You do want me now? Great
I'll be in your room, sitting on your bed, waiting for you to finish what never really got started.
This is the worst part of the entire piece. Because it ends it.


So yeah, I love it.


Carmel
This is not a pipe
#10
Terrific. I loved the worldplay; it was incredibly clever. It imposed several emotions and images in my head. It was really just all-around great-personal, witty, unique, imaginative, and I totally dug the Casablance reference. I myself enjoyed the repetition of the word heart; like when you continuously tell a serial killer the name of your daughter you hope he hasn't killed yet-you make it known that it's alive and it's there (wow...that was the weirdest analogy...). I didn't really have any problems with it-I couldn't really feel the rhythm so I just read it natural (and you already addressed that, so yeah.) Anyway, excellent job, keep it up.

Crit for crit?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=6667344
#11
I really dig this song! Your lyrics are easy to understand, and to relate to...I like the story...and you don't have to dig to deep for meaning...it's just beautiful. We need more lytics like this on the radio and In the maintream music. I'm so sick of hearing about booties and all the rest of the crap on much music etc. lately. Its like, come on X-tina, we know that isn't real brass in the backround! (her new song) and justin timberlakes computer voice! In such a fake world, someone like you could take these lyrics far...it's time for a change, we need something real. I will give kudos to people like Sam Roberts for writing some kick ass lyrics...and Chantel Kreviazuk does a pretty good job too.
way to go again...I really loved it..would love to hear the tune that goes with it... do you have one yet?
Tina
Tina D.