#1
Born into a convenience store of desolation and despair
An angry gypsy woman looks into your past with eye-like knives
Outside below the window ledge is a wandering child prophet
And his puppet-like friend who has so much fun playing games with lives
In his room, where he sleeps naturally in his presidential wardrobe

And outside the prison glows white with purity and esteem
Inside cowering in fear is the raining persistent diplomatic soldier
His soul so small and his flesh-colored guilt builds
Black bricks upon his estate where his mother watches him clean
The silhouette he saw yesterday melted from his eyes

And just four rooms down outside the hall is a lost caravan
Filled with smiling alien time telling translators who cry with their mouth
Almost consistently he laughs at himself unashamed
He frowns at the outside world and packages his emotions with a twenty dollar stamp
And a note reading, ?Please send this to my friend, he needs it more than I.?
Quote by primusucks
"i am so proud that by chance i am living in a place that during a territorial divide it got the largest mass of land."

hey texas, nobody cares.
Last edited by Sherman901 at Aug 28, 2006,
#2
I mean this is an intelligently worded piece.. but the ideas and all are confused.. its almost like the last part contradicts the first two halves..

I was feeling it was about President Bush(could be wrong though), and basically just took me out because its so used and old.. theres always going to be music about presidents, and a lot of times, the lyrics and people dont really know the whole story on things.. so whatever.

plus, the rhyme scheme was a bit odd too.
#3
its just my opinion.. im not an expert at in the "songwriting theorum" or whatever.
im sure someone will disagree with me.
#4
I really enjoyed reading this song. For one thing, the flow was excellent and I like the rhyming scheme. My favorite aspect was the narrative quality. The words painted a picture in my mind. Overall, a great job. Keep it up.

Crit mine please

The Seventh Circle
#5
Quote by airedaletheband
I mean this is an intelligently worded piece.. but the ideas and all are confused.. its almost like the last part contradicts the first two halves..

I was feeling it was about President Bush(could be wrong though), and basically just took me out because its so used and old.. theres always going to be music about presidents, and a lot of times, the lyrics and people dont really know the whole story on things.. so whatever.

plus, the rhyme scheme was a bit odd too.


It's not about Bush. I don't like overly political writing/lyrics, etc.

Thanks for the crits. I will crit yours marsvolta once I get out of work.
Quote by primusucks
"i am so proud that by chance i am living in a place that during a territorial divide it got the largest mass of land."

hey texas, nobody cares.