#1
hilarious!

together the world becomes
intoxicated and dies for the
tune of a million black candies.
today i drank a hundred livers
i sank into the fetid waters and
everything was much murkier
swimming beneath reality.

apex, the mountain crumbles.
near the lollipop catharsis and where
dysentery dynamite blows up.

calm down the old woman said
only you can believe in yourself.
come to me when you know the answer
knowing is half the battle.
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Last edited by Something_Vague at Aug 29, 2006,
#2
I really liked that. Short and direct with great imagery- something I need to work on for sure.

It's very well written, except I don't quite like the last line...but that's just my preference. The first bit is my favourite though.
#5
, I would have pegged you for a lover of the third stanza personally.
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#8
Quote by Final
I prefer the first stanza over the third. Let's just leave it at that.

I'm afraid I would disagree with you there Keeno, I myself much prefer the 3rd. The first just doesn't do it for me tbh, I don't really, uh, feel it
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#10
i bet kyle would have.
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#11
kyle's love for the third stanza far outweighs anything ever written that he's licked, I mean liked.
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#13
Lollipop catharsis. Thats just flat out awesome. I have to say i liked the 1st and third. and i love the second just because of Lollipop catharsis and dysentary dynomite. im totally feeling this one.
#14
I really like the 3rd stanza.. the first part was really confusing to me.. I mean its great language use throughout but I was confused & lost, or maybe its because I am not in a thinking mood after gettin off Football practice(REAL football btw...American).
#15
even though i looked up all the words i didn't know, i still couldn't understand the poem. can anyone explain it to me?


and although i can't understand the poem and can't comment you on that, your mastery of vocab is great.
#17
paints a great picture in my head - really like the first stanza
im not sure what this poem is about though
#18
hilarious!

together the world becomes
intoxicated and dies for the
tune of a million black candies.
today i drank a hundred livers
i sank into the fetid waters and
everything was much murkier
swimming beneath reality.

Very good flow of consciousness piece, you were able to seize the emotion of the moment before it slipped back to gaseous form. Was the omittance of capitalization throughout the piece intentional? To represent new things not beginning on their own but interconnectiong with ideas of the recent past? Behind a facade of alcohol, escapism is described as rooted in our culture. I love how contemporary your writing is. It can be read as a cultural document. Just like Dylan. I write in a different way, myself, trying to collect archetypes and situations that are timeless and more universially human. It's just two completely different schools of writing, and just cause I'm a disciple of one doesn't mean I can't appreciate the other. It's funny that you try to break away from the american-ness of this style, but by doing so, you stregtehn it and make it better. This is an american piece IMO (just as were Dylan, Cohen (though he's canadian), Frost and Kirouac).

apex, the mountain crumbles.
near the lollipop catharsis and were
dysentary dynamite blows up.

The climax here is well illustrated. It's very multi-faceted, one of my favourite traits in poetry. The second line is pure gold, 10% classic folk song imagery. Typo on the "were/where"?

calm down the old woman said
only you can believe in yourself.
come to me when you know the answer
knowing is half the battle.

A pleasing denouement. The flow used really slows the piece from it's machine-gun pace of extasy to a steadied, out-of-breath emphasized rhythm. The symmetry in this piece is beautiful and is what is often lacking in raw emotive writing. In raw terms, this is a tartar, a fine carpaccio. The cliche in the last line was well used, as if recited by the persona after having been repeated numerous times before. Really adds to the out-of-breath rhythm.

All in all, I've nothing negative to say. Wasn't always that much of a fan of your writing, (though it's quality remains unquestionned) but I can really say this is your piece I've enjoyed the most, and IMO your best. It wasn't only anarchic emotion, but emotion built piece by piece into a fine crystaline structure and the summum of the raw emotive style.

Bravo
#19
so i put some more time into it, and i hope that i understood it right. i really do like it which is why i put the time into understanding it. here's my critique of it. btw i found it to be about alcaholism/drugs in general, although it can be about any feeling/emotion that you get caught up in and changes your views.


together the world becomes
intoxicated and dies for the
tune of a million black candies.
today i drank a hundred livers
i sank into the fetid waters and
everything was much murkier
swimming beneath reality.


i like the picture of fetid waters, and sinking beneath them. i don't really understand the part about livers though, although i take it to mean as alcahol ruins your liver ??. the only problem i have with this line is that the "the" on the second line really belongs on the third line. Its just a pet peeve of mine, and i think ideas should be finished to the rhythm of the poem, and not started before the new line begins. you do this again later on in the poem.

apex, the mountain crumbles.
near the lollipop catharsis and were
dysentary dynamite blows up.

the line about lollipop catharsis is probably the best line in the poem like the person above said. the picture of dynamite is also very powerful. i have no idea what dysentary is though. i checked the dictionary and it said that dysentEry with an E means a stomach ulcer...

calm down the old woman said
only you can believe in yourself.
come to me when you know the answer
knowing is half the battle.


probably the only paragraph that i can understand. i think the exact opposite. the poem sort of loses its sort of even "mystical" feeling by going to a more basic language.
#20
Wow, pooch you hit it right on the money with the alchohol thing, great job. And for further clarification, please check the poem again, I think it may be alittle more HAIRLARIOUS.



thank you everyone.
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#21
Lol. i loved it.
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#22
im totally feeling this one.


Bet you are.

REAL football btw...American


Shut it. ****.
#26
I like the people who didn't notice how great this poem is. The lack of subtlety seems to have avoided some...and I find that Hairlious or whatever.