#1
A new direction,,,


Time has been short yet I haven't lost my chance
(I love to watch you breath)
Take my hand as we watch stars dance
I am uncommonly confident for such a dark night
Just take my hand as the stars dance
It isn't time to leave, there's still so much left to do

Your smile slanted sideways sets off the score
(You've never said it before)
Night hangs heavy yet it keeps us seeking more
Everyone has a list of moments of doubt or shame
Just take my hand as the stars dance
With no idea where this leads, it isn't gonna stop me

I'm following the dawn home
Back to the beginning, when the city was empty
It's not cold yet
And I doubt the frost could even touch you

It's just slick pavement and even slicker talk
I just didn't think you would mind
We were never 'He said or she said'.
Take my hand as we watch stars dance
Just take my hand as the stars dance

I'm following the dawn home
Back to the beginning, when the city was empty
It's not cold yet
And I doubt the frost could even touch you
#2
it is so poetic...sorry man, i cant crit that.You used good language, someparts didnt rhyme well, but whatever, this piece is amazing imo.
Ill be glad if u get to mine, peace
#3
Quote by willtheworld
A new direction,,,


Time has been short yet I haven't lost my chance
(I love to watch you breath)
Take my hand as we watch stars dance
I am uncommonly confident for such a dark night
Just take my hand as the stars dance
It isn't time to leave, there's still so much left to do

Change the second "watch", unnecasary repetion there. Nice rhyming, and diction. Solid opener.

Your smile slanted sideways sets off the score
(You've never said it before)
Night hangs heavy yet it keeps us seeking more
Everyone has a list of moments of doubt or shame
Just take my hand as the stars dance
With no idea where this leads, it isn't gonna stop me

Great first line, infact this was technically a very good stanza, apart from the poorer last line which doesn't read as nicely.

I'm following the dawn home
Back to the beginning, when the city was empty
It's not cold yet
And I doubt the frost could even touch you

Solid.

It's just slick pavement and even slicker talk
I just didn't think you would mind
We were never 'He said or she said'.
Take my hand as we watch stars dance
Just take my hand as the stars dance

Again, I'm impressed. Maybe try some internal rhyme somewhere here, just to spice it up ?

I'm following the dawn home
Back to the beginning, when the city was empty
It's not cold yet
And I doubt the frost could even touch you

Once more I'm pleased I've read one of your pieces, you show real potential to be a good writer.

Jamie